Fragile Longing

The next morning after breakfast, Anna and I were lounging on my bed, watching a movie when a knock sounded at my door. Samuel poked his head in. “We need to leave if you want to make your hair appointment.”

He gave Anna a small nod before he left, leaving the door ajar.

“He used to be more fun,” Anna said.

“Yeah, I know.” Since Serafina had left, he’d become horribly serious and focused. The Outfit’s success was his driving force. He worked long hours and hardly took a day off.

“What are you doing with your hair?” Anna asked as she followed me into the hallway. I hesitated. I didn’t really want to tell her about my plans. I wanted to surprise everyone, but Anna’s words yesterday had left me worrying all night.

“Just cutting the ends,” I lied, avoiding Anna’s eyes but they seemed to x-ray me. I had never been a good liar, and Anna was good at detecting fibs.

“There you are!” Leonas shouted from down the lobby. “Take Bea off my hands. She’s annoying.”

Their little sister clung to Leonas’ trouser leg. She obviously wanted to be carried.

“It’s your turn,” Anna said.

“She’s cute. I’d love to babysit her,” I said.

Leonas gave me an exasperated look. “Yeah, for an hour. But she’s a little despot when she doesn’t get her will.”

“Isn’t it a bit early for the stubborn phase?” I asked as Anna and I reached the lobby. Bea kept tugging at Leonas’s pants, but Anna swooped her up and planted a fat kiss on her cheek. “Girl time.”

Bea giggled.

My stomach tightened as Serafina’s twins flashed through my mind. They were only a bit over a year older than Bea, but I hadn’t seen them and my sister in years. I missed them terribly, and I couldn’t even talk to anyone about them. The twins were red flags in my family—even Serafina’s name rarely passed anyone’s lips. Too much pain was associated with my sister’s loss. The few times I’d tried to ask Samuel if he was still in contact with Fina hadn’t gone over well. If you didn’t play close attention, it might seem like any hint of Fina and the twins had been erased from this house and our lives, but her memory lingered.

Samuel strode into the lobby, dressed in jeans, a white dress shirt, and a leather jacket. The girls in my class always went nuts when he drove me to school and picked me up. His constant pissed-off demeanor only seemed to add fuel to the fire of their ridiculous infatuation.

“Ready?” he asked.

I nodded and waved goodbye to Leonas, Bea, and Anna, then followed my brother toward his fancy sports car. He wrapped an arm protectively around my shoulders.

“You okay?” he asked in a low voice. He always asked me that question on my birthday and Christmas. He probably realized how much I missed her, but he never admitted to missing her. He rarely even uttered her name. They were twins, had been absolutely inseparable, and now she was gone.

I searched his eyes. “And you?”

He flashed me a smile. He was good at those quick smiles. “Of course, bug.”

I scrunched up my nose. I despised my shortened nickname. He did it on purpose, of course.

He opened the car door for me. “In you go.”

I plopped down and Samuel slid behind the steering wheel. When we pulled out of the driveway, Carlo’s car followed us. I’d gotten used to his constant presence over the years. In the beginning, Dad and Samuel had been annoyed that Danilo had sent his own bodyguard to keep me safe, but for me it was a tiny sign that he cared for me in some way, even if he didn’t show it otherwise. Like all men in our world, he was a control freak.

Samuel didn’t come into the hair salon with me. He, like Carlo, waited in the car. I’d told him it would take a while, but he didn’t mind and didn’t ask questions. Like most men, Samuel had no clue how much time girls spent at the hairdresser. Anna would have been suspicious if I’d told her I needed two hours. No haircut took that long. My party would start in the early evening, so I still had plenty of time.

My hairdresser smiled at me. I’d told her what I wanted to do over the phone. When she began applying the bleach, my stomach swooped. I’d never dyed my hair, never really changed my appearance. I wasn’t sure what the effect would be.

Two hours later, I stared at my reflection. For a moment, I was sure I was seeing a ghost. My hairdresser had straightened my hair and dyed it blonde, the same light golden blonde as Serafina’s. I’d looked at samples of different blonde tones for close to thirty minutes before I’d settled on the right hue. My throat clogged up. With Fina’s hairstyle and color, I looked like her. We had the same eye color, the same high cheekbones and narrow nose. I had a few freckles, but my makeup covered those, and I was shorter, but seated, I was Serafina’s double. It was so close to the original that my heart ached, and my pulse sped up.