Fragile Longing

I considered pulling her toward me, but she thought I was asleep. She’d feel caught if I showed I was awake. So, I listened to my wife’s sobbing, knowing I was the source of her anguish.

I’d tried to keep my distance to Sofia over the years. In the beginning it was because I was struggling with everything that had happened, and then later because it seemed the appropriate thing to do given her age, especially when my fiancée developed curves and I stopped seeing her as a child.

She was young and deserved to be treated accordingly. I kept our contact to a minimum to avoid temptation, especially because Sofia was so obviously drawn to me. I was a bad man, but Sofia only deserved to see my best side. Not the hungry, dark, angry side. Not the one that had wanted to claim her even when she was still out of bounds. I’d thought I was doing right by her, protecting her, but she misunderstood my actions, took them as rejection.

And after the thing at the party . . . Fuck. That was the only reason why I hadn’t devoured her the second we were alone in our bedroom like I’d wanted to do for almost two years, even if I wasn’t proud of it. I’d held back my fucking desire to protect her, but she’d thought I’d rejected her.

Eventually, Sofia’s sobbing quieted and her breathing evened out. I tilted my head toward her, even though I could only make out the silhouette of her body in the dim moonlight.

My mother had loved my father with all her heart, still loved and missed him every day. It was a bond I’d always hoped for. Their marriage had also been arranged, but they’d found love along the way.

I wanted that chance. Maybe I’d messed up badly, but knowing Sofia, she’d give me the opportunity to make things right. I could only hope there was a way I could.I woke with a warm presence at my back. It took me a couple of heartbeats to remember where I was and who the person behind me was. Danilo had his arm wrapped around me and his scent surrounded me. I relished at being held by him. It was what I’d always longed for, and it still was.

My sleep had been fitful, replaying the events of the previous day. I’d tried so many things to get his attention over the years, but my attack on his wounded pride had captured it fully. His anger and despair had hit me like a tidal wave, with almost crushing abandon. His anger wasn’t what I wanted, but it was better than the alternative, better than his gentlemanly distance, the heart-crushing disinterest. I wanted to be respected and loved, but more than that, I wanted to be seen, to be in control for once. Pushing Danilo, forcing a reaction out of him, had given me that brief moment of control.

Few things in my life had been in my control. Not my life, not my future, least of all my heart. I blinked against the brightness of the early morning sun. Despite my harsh words, my provocation, Danilo had pulled away. Even in a rampant rage, he hadn’t claimed me. I was done. If he didn’t want me, then that was his problem. I wouldn’t try to get his attention again. And yet, I didn’t regret last night. It had given me a sense of final loss, as if I could let go of Danilo and my childish hope for love. I was done pining for him.

I turned around. Danilo rolled over on his back, still asleep. His hair was all over the place. He was gorgeous. The blanket pooled at his hips, revealing his muscled chest and a fine trail of hair disappearing in his boxers. Judging by the tent the blanket formed over his crotch, he was aroused.

I slid toward the edge of the bed and stood. I needed to do something, to keep myself busy before what happened could drag me down. I’d made plans with Anna to meet for lunch. Our mothers, little Bea, and Emma and Mrs. Mancini would be present as well. I’d worried Danilo would be disappointed if I went off on our first day as a married couple, now I was relieved to be gone for a while.

Danilo woke with a start, knifing up in the bed. “Sofia, what are you doing?”

I grabbed my bathrobe and put it over my nightgown before I slanted him a look. I didn’t allow his tousled look to warm my heart, shutting it off with every ounce of self-control I had. “I’m going to take a shower, and then I’ll go looking for breakfast.”

I forced a smile and headed for the bathroom but before I could close the door, Danilo had crossed the room and held the door open.