Now Balto bowed his head.
“Our son is fine, Balto. Forgive your brother.” She turned away and headed back into the kitchen.
He was quiet.
I lifted my head and stared at him for a while. “You have no idea how terrible I feel…”
“You don’t feel worse than I do,” he whispered. “Now my first memory as a father will always be that…”
“But your first memory won’t matter compared to all the other memories you’ll make, Balto. The first real memory is the day he’s born—and you’ll be there for that. I’ll be there too because I’m not going to miss it for anything.”
He took a quiet breath, like he was beginning to calm down.
“I understand you’re angry, but I am sorry.”
He finally looked at me, less hostile. “I thought I was okay with it, but then it hit me later.”
“I get it.”
He rubbed his palms together. “My life is different now. I don’t expect you to understand.”
“I do understand,” I said quietly. “And if I didn’t, I understood when I took Cassini to the hospital. I was scared for her because I love her, would die for her, and I love your son because he’s my nephew.”
He calmed down further.
“So…are we good?”
“Yes,” he said. “But not because of the bribe you just brought.”
It was a relief to hear him make a joke. “I don’t know…you should try those cookies.”
“I’m not going to have a dad bod, so no.” He looked at the TV. “How’s the office?”
I shrugged. “Nothing new.”
“No one asked about your scars?”
“I don’t work naked, so no.”
He rolled his eyes at my comeback. “And Catalina?”
“She’s going to stay with me, but I’ve got to work it out with Damien.”
He chuckled. “Good luck with that. The guy almost killed you. That’s real hate right there.”
“Well, I love her, so I’m going to figure it out.”
He shook his head slightly. “I think that’s hopeless, but I wish you the best.”
I had to figure it out if I wanted to keep Catalina, so I would find a way to break his shell…somehow.
“I’d just pay Bones to kill him, if I were you. She’ll never know.”
“But she’ll lose her brother—which will leave her miserable.”
“She’ll get over it,” he said simply.
“Well, I’d never get over losing you, so I doubt it.”
He turned back to me, his eyes slightly soft.
“She asked me about having kids last night.”
“Yeah?” Now our previous conversation seemed like ancient history. “What did you say?”
“I told her I would do it…someday.”
“Did you mean it?” he asked.
“I was honest. Told her I wasn’t interested in that right this second, but if it was important to her, I would get on board. My answer may just have been no altogether, but seeing you do it makes me realize I could do it.”
“Well, I haven’t actually done it yet.”
“But you’re excited about it. You’re prepared. I never would have pictured that before you met Cassini.”
He shrugged. “When you love a woman, shit changes.”
“Yeah. I can see that.”
“I mean, I’ll never bring her flowers because that’s pussy shit, but I’m there for her in other ways.”
“She seemed to like them, so maybe you should give it a try.”
He gave me a cold stare.
“Just saying…”
“Don’t tell me how to be a husband when you barely know how to be a boyfriend.”
“Boyfriend?” I asked. “I’m not a fucking boyfriend.”
“Then what are you?”
“I’m her fucking man,” I snapped. “I fuck her like a man, and no one else does. That’s what I am.”
He chuckled slightly when he got a rise out of me. “Yeah, you’re definitely in love with this woman. Too bad her brother is standing in the way. Too bad you didn’t meet her sooner, so a lot of this could have been avoided.”
“Yeah. Fate isn’t on my side.”
Cassini came into the living room. “Want to stay for lunch, Heath?”
I looked at Balto, asking for his permission. “Depends.”
Balto shook his head slightly before he caved. “Yeah. You can join us.”I walked up to her door.
Last time I was here, I stood on the doorstep, listening to the TV in the background. I left the flowers and walked away, because I’d had no right to enter her apartment anymore. I should have returned her key, but I didn’t want to do that because it felt too harsh, too final.
So, I put the key in the lock and opened it.
I stepped inside because I could, because I had every right to come and go as I pleased. It was an out-of-body experience, like living a dream, because her absence was still so potent in my mind.
She was on the couch watching TV, and she immediately sat up to look at me, dressed in her little shorts. She walked over to me, looking at the sunflowers in my hand that I’d brought for her, the ones I grew just for her. She stared at them awhile, her emotion so subtle, almost unnoticeable.