I sip my coffee. Let out a breath. “I have to say that now that I’m in this position, I’m relieved the option is there. I mean—” I let out another breath. “Shit, y’all. We were so careful. I don’t know how this happened. It sucks. Really, really sucks.”
“Would you consider adoption?” Eva asks.
“To be honest, I don’t think so. I get that it’s a great option for some people. But if I’m going to keep the baby, I think—at this point in my life at least—I’d want to be the one to raise him or her.”
Olivia reaches over to take my hand. “This is a big decision, Julia. I can’t imagine how heavy it must feel to you, but I recognize how hard it is. You know we’re your village, right? No matter what you decide, we’ll support you one-hundred-percent. I’ll hold your hand on the way to the clinic, same as I’ll hold your hand while you’re screaming for an epidural.”
“Always,” Gracie says. “No judgement from me.”
“If I didn’t judge you for your escapades with the French footballer, I’m certainly not going to judge you for this,” Eva says with a smile.
“Thank you, guys. Seriously. I don’t know much about having a baby, but I do know I can’t do it alone.”
“If you do decide to go the having-the-baby route, maybe you could try to find a community of moms-to-be,” Olivia adds. “I know our yoga studio up on Spring Street offers prenatal classes. Probably a great way to meet other mamas.”
A rush of heat behind my eyes.
My nose starts to run.
“Damn it,” I say, wiping my eyes with my napkin. “Why do y’all have to be so fucking awesome?”
“Because we love you and we want to see you happy,” Gracie replies.
In that moment, I know that no matter what I end up doing, I’ll be okay. All because I have these supportive, open-minded, incredibly generous women in my life.
I’m lucky and privileged in more ways than I can count.
And yet I still don’t know what the right call is here.
“I recognize that this isn’t the end of the world,” I say. “Yes, it sucks. But it could be much worse. I guess…I mean, I guess I just really like my life as it is right now. I don’t feel like I’m missing anything. Would I like to be in love? Sure. Would I like to have a family? I mean, yes and no. Not with a guy like Greyson, that’s for damn sure. I’ve always wanted kids in a ‘maybe someday’ kind of way.”
Eva dips her head. “All valid points. I’ve never wanted to be a mother myself. The whole kid thing holds very little appeal to me.”
“I can get that. Now that I actually have the chance to do the kid thing, though…” My eyes smart against a fresh wave of tears. “I don’t know. I mean, am I ready to give up my freedom? Am I ready to be a single parent?”
Gracie rubs my back. “You have time to think about it. Are you going to tell Greyson?”
“Yeah. As terrible as that conversation is going to be, he deserves to know.”
“He might surprise you,” Olivia says.
“Doubtful. But I appreciate the thought.” I look at Olivia. “By the way—and sorry for the change of subject, but since I’m thinking about it—the barn will definitely be ready in time for the date you guys had in mind. How’s the wedding planning coming along?”
Olivia grins. “It’s coming. But tonight is about you. You’ll keep us updated on where your head’s at, right? And you’ll call if you need anything?”
“Of course.” I manage a tight smile. “I know I keep saying this, but thank you. For understanding. And for not judging me.”
Despite my friends’ support, my thoughts still whirl on my walk home. I may be a free spirit, but that doesn’t mean I’m reckless. French footballer aside, I am pretty intentional about the decisions I make. Especially the big ones. I always thought that if I had a baby—and that was always a big if—it’d be the result of years of careful planning. I’d bring that baby into the stable, loving home my partner and I had worked hard to build.
But maybe that’s just it. Building that home requires sacrifice. It requires being tied down.
I’m not sure I ever want to make that kind of sacrifice. My dreams are important to me. I’ve worked hard to make them come true. How many of those dreams would I have to give up to have this baby?
Then again, how many new dreams would I create if I went the other way and kept him or her? Yeah, I’d be losing a lot. But maybe there’s something to gain.
Something I haven’t thought of yet.Chapter FiveJuliaA trip to the doctor’s office the following week confirms the results of my at-home tests.