“I’m in. One hundred percent. Should we—” I clear my throat. “Get married?”
A look of horror crosses Julia’s face. “No.”
I’m surprised to find I’m offended by her emphatic refusal, even though part of me is also incredibly relieved.
I already fucked up one marriage. The thought of entering another, even for altruistic reasons, makes my skin itch with imaginary hives.
“I’m sorry. That came out wrong,” she explains, taking a sip of water. “I just meant that I’m a romantic at heart, and if I ever do get married, I want it to be because I’m crazy in love, not because I got knocked up.”
A stab inside my chest. My hand slides from my neck to the offending spot just above my breastbone.
I know all about getting married for the wrong reasons.
“I understand,” I say. “I just want you to know that I’m all in, Julia. I take care of my own, and our baby will be no exception.”
I always, always put my family first. Especially after what I did to them. I have many sins to atone for.
“Greyson.” She looks at me and frowns. “You should really take some time to think about this. The weekend at least. It’s a huge decision. And I don’t want to get my hopes up if—”
“I don’t need time. If you’re in, so am I.”
Julia’s still looking at me. Eyes getting wet again.
“You’re going to be a real partner?” she says. “The co-parent I told you I’m looking for?”
“Yes.”
She puts a hand on her face. Blinks. “Okay then.”
I’m gripped by the wild desire to take that hand in mine. I can’t imagine what she’s been through over the past week.
But I can’t reach for her like that. She’s not mine to have. Never was. I can support her, and be there for this kid. But I can’t be her person. I’ll fuck it up. And fucking it up has bigger consequences all of a sudden. I won’t just be hurting Julia; I’ll be hurting my kid, too.
A kid who didn’t ask to be here. I will not put my relationship with him or her at risk.
I clear my throat. “Where does that leave us?”
Julia takes a breath. Lets it out.
“You mean are we still going to fuck in the backseat of your car?” She tilts her head. “I think you’ll agree it’s probably best if we refrain from the hate sex for the time being.”
It’s the right call. Even if we didn’t end our arrangement, how could it be just sex knowing there’s a baby involved?
Doesn’t mean I’m not disappointed. Epic sex is hard to come by.
I nod. “Okay. You’ll let me know when your next doctor’s appointment is? I’d like to be there.”
“You don’t—”
“I’d like to be there,” I repeat. “If you want to go alone, fine. Well. Not fine, but I’ll respect your wishes. If you’d let me tag along, however, I would very much like to go with you.”
Julia meets my eyes. Hers a little puzzled, like she doesn’t quite know what to make of me. “Okay. Okay, yeah, sure. My head is swimming right now. But my next appointment happens to be my first ultrasound. They’ll measure the baby and make sure everything’s all right. Take some pictures and see exactly how far along I am in my pregnancy.”
Her pregnancy.
The words hit me like a ton of bricks. Shit just got real.
We’re going to have a baby.
I’m going to be a daddy.
Jesus take the wheel, ’cause I have no fucking idea what I’m doing.
“I never asked when you’re due,” I say.
“June twenty-third.”
A smile tugs at my lips. “That’s my mom’s birthday.”
“Really?” Julia asks, grinning.
It’s the first time she’s smiled all night—I’m good at making her smile when we’re naked, but when we’re dressed it’s an entirely different story—and for half a second my heart swells.
Don’t.
But I do. I let her smile make me feel better. Like an idiot.
“My mom will be thrilled,” I say. Which is true. My parents really are awesome, and they’ll be over the moon about having another grandbaby. I’m not sure how they’ll feel about my relationship, or complete lack thereof, with Julia. But it’s too late to go back and change how it all went down now.
“Does your family live here in Charleston?”
“They do,” I say. “My parents live in Ansonborough—Wentworth Street—and my brother lives over on Queen, near Harleston Village.”
Julia’s grin grows wistful. “Must be nice having everyone so close.”
“It is. Although sometimes it gets a little intense. We see a decent amount of each other. I work a lot, so that tends to get in the way of family time.”
“Always so busy,” she says, eyes on my face.
We look at each other for a beat. Then another. Her eyes are still swollen, but they’re brighter now than when I first arrived.
My God is she a beautiful girl. I’d really, really like to pull her onto my lap right now and make her feel better the only way I know how. It’s been a week since we fucked last—not that I’m counting—and I’m craving her. Her scent and her honesty and her surrender.