I try to swallow the lump that has inexplicably formed in my throat. She’s right. I know Julia is right. I just don’t know where to begin to unravel years of backwards thinking.
Years of being scared to lose. Of disappointments, one after another.
Luke mentioned how he had to grieve the loss of his baseball career. Maybe I’m grieving a loss, too. Not the loss of Nick. But the loss of what Nick represented. The perfect, perfectly timed future I’d always envisioned for myself.
Maybe I’m grieving the loss of what I thought life would—should—be by now.
Don’t get me wrong, there are some really great, really exciting things happening in my life. I have a job I love, friends I adore, and a business that’s thriving. All of which I’m very grateful for. I recognize I’m incredibly privileged and that my life is good.
But how do I let go of that idea of what I thought my life should look like? How do I stop constantly comparing myself and my accomplishments to everyone else’s? To the perfect lives of my friends I see on Instagram?
It’s a really tough thing to open up. Allow myself to be vulnerable—to follow a different path—so I can be who I am instead of who I think I should be.
So I can follow my own timing instead of everyone else’s.
I let out a breath. Swallow again.
“I love that idea of Max and Jane compromising but not changing themselves to fit a mold,” I say. “Means they love each other for who they are. And let’s be real, I also love how fucking great Max is in bed. How compatible he and Jane are. I would kill to have that kind ardent, fun sex.”
Julia looks at me. “Is sex not fun for you?”
I swallow. Again.
“If I’m being honest? Not really. Not anymore.”
Julia looks horrified. “Why not?”
I draw a breath. Try to sort through my thoughts.
“I guess I just really want to be somebody’s someone. I want to find my person. But I think I’ve gotten so caught up in finding that person that I’ve forgotten how to have fun. I get way too inside my head when I’m in bed. Like I’m too worried I’m doing something wrong to ever really enjoy it. The stakes just feel so high when I’m with a guy, you know? Like, forever is hanging in the balance, so I can’t fuck it up because I want it to work out so badly. I want it to be perfect.”
Julia nods thoughtfully. She steeples her fingers and touches them to her mouth.
“What if you separated sex from forever?” she says. “What if you kind of let the whole serious relationship thing mellow for a bit? You don’t have to abandon it altogether. But what if you made good, fun, fulfilling sex your focus for a while instead? I think that will go a long ways in helping you stop trying so hard to be somebody’s perfect someone, and start having fun instead.”
The idea started to form the second the words separating sex from forever left Julia’s mouth.
What if I did that? What if I set my quest for love aside for a bit and explored lust instead? My Deal With the Duke has made me Horny with a capital H.
What if I do just explore lust? Is there someone out there who might be willing to do that for me? With me?
A name pops into my head. Along with a handsome, scruffy face.
Luke.
Of course.
Of course.
My pulse picks up as the idea fleshes itself out. I have a fuckton of lusty feelings for him. I think he’s got some for me, too. He said he doesn’t do serious.
All of a sudden, neither do I.
I know him. I feel safe with him.
He’s gorgeous.
He talked with great confidence and self-awareness about sex and intensity and truth.
What if I stopped being afraid and started showing Luke that truth? What if I told him about the things I want to try and we tried them together, without apology, without fear, without second guesses?
What if I could experience that delicious, all-consuming intensity Jane is always talking about?
Could I do that? Could I really leave scared at the door and embrace sensual instead?
Only one way to find out.
“Yes,” I say, popping out of my chair. I hold out my coffee cup a beat too late, coffee sloshing over the rim of the mug. “Yes!”
Julia laughs, raising her hand. “Gimme a high-five, Gracie. And keep me posted on how it goes. From the look of it, you already have someone in mind.”
“I do,” I say, high-fiving her. “I just have to go talk to my brother before I make my move.”
Julia’s brows snap together. “Talk to your brother? Why?”
“Because I’d like to have fun with his best friend.”
She blinks. Then she nods, grinning.