Southern Charmer (Charleston Heat 1)

Reading Olivia’s beautiful words makes me miss her so much I get downright rage-y about it. And hard. I’m angry with myself for chasing such a passionate, beautiful person out of my life.

For being such a fucking idiot. I feel horrible about the things I said to her. Things I can’t ever take back.

I want to call her. Want to apologize and do my best to win her back. But I’m getting glimmers of a new understanding. And I understand that any reunion we may have has to be on her terms. I’m bettering myself for her as best as I can. Facing my fears rather than distracting myself from them. If she’s still not ready for me whenever our paths cross again, though…

Well.

I’ll deal with it. Just like I’m dealing with my failure right now.

But this editing thing is one of the few bright spots in my darkness. Who knows if I’m actually any good at it or not. But that could potentially be a fun little side hustle. Maybe I could edit cookbooks or some shit like that. I have no interest in writing my own. I’d rather be cooking than writing about cooking. But I like the ritual of sitting down with a manuscript and uncapping my pen and focusing my mind on words, sentences, ideas.

Or maybe I just like focusing on Olivia and how she’s totally going to knock it out of the park if—when—she publishes this book.

Jesus, I’m dying to call her. I miss hearing her voice. I want to know where she is and what she’s doing and if she really gave that ring back to her ex.

But I’m sticking to Luke’s advice. I need to figure my own shit out before I give my grovel a go.

Olivia hasn’t written that part yet in her book. I would love to know what Gunnar does to win Cate back. Might give me some clues as to how I can win Olivia back, too.

Just another thing I have to figure out on my own.* * *OliviaI finish the semester in Ithaca. Just like I planned, I hand in my resignation the same day my students take their final exams. This time, my boss accepts it.

The day after Christmas, I pack my car, say goodbye to my parents, and drive back to Charleston.

My to-do list when I get into town is overwhelming.

But I tackle it one item at a time from the bed in Julia’s carriage house, where we’re both staying while I figure everything out. She’s ecstatic I’ll be living permanently in Charleston.

First things first: my employment situation. I set up a meeting with the head of the English Department at The College of Charleston. When I find out there’s a waiting list of students for their creative writing classes, I convince him to not only create an overflow class, but to let me teach it, too. I also needle him a bit on my commercial fiction class idea. He says he’ll consider putting it on the schedule for the fall semester.

Teaching the class pays next to nothing. I knew it wouldn’t be much, but I’m still shocked by just how low the number is. I’ll be teaching as an adjunct professor, too, which means no tenure, and pretty much zero benefits. But the department head sounded hopeful about expanding my role in the creative writing MFA program going forward. And then of course I have whatever books I manage to write and publish.

In the meantime, I have my savings to fall back on. It’s a decent chunk of change. Enough to buy me at least six months of solid writing and adjunct teaching time.

The money makes me see my old job in a new light. Maybe this is why I worked a job I wasn’t crazy about for so long. To save up, quit, and work a job I love.

The whole thing still feels very uncertain. The control freak in me rears her head in the middle of the night every so often, keeping me from sleep. I feel vulnerable. Like my skin’s peeled back, revealing every vein, every organ. Every dark wish and desire. Some days, just walking around town is excruciating.

But as much as I worry, I also feel this ever expanding sense of excitement.

I’m doing this.

I am actually taking steps to honor who I am and make my dream come true.

Although it would be nice to make that dream come true with Elijah by my side.

I am terrified of running into him. I’m not ready yet. I want to figure out my new normal down here by myself. It feels important to do that. I fell in love with my life in this city before I fell in love with Eli. I’m determined to stay in love with it, whether or not it includes gorgeous, tatted up men who read romance.