Ritual - Palm South University

“But it’s okay to be sad sometimes,” Jackie gently reminds me.

I nod. “I know. Trust me, I still go there. But… I don’t take out my sadness on the people I love anymore. At least, I’m trying not to. There are still some bridges I’m trying to mend but…” I scratch the back of my neck, thinking of Skyler.

Of Clinton.

“Well, all things in time, I suppose,” I finish.

Jackie smiles. “That’s exactly right. And what are you working on this week?”

My heart squeezes. “Writing letters. I’m trying to write letters to the people I know I hurt… not necessarily to send, but just to figure out my feelings.”

“What happened to you?”

The question is loud and abrupt, and all heads swing to the shadow, who’s looking at me with his fierce eyes again.

I swallow. “Sorry?”

“What’d you do? Who’d you hurt? What happened to you to make you come here?”

Jackie smiles apologetically at me, and then she addresses the shadow in a soft tone. “We actually don’t encourage questions like that here,” she says. “We prefer to let our guests speak about whatever it is that they’re comfortable with.”

He keeps his eyes on me when he speaks. “That doesn’t really make sense, does it? Isn’t the whole point of therapy to talk about your shit and work through it?”

“I have talked about my shit,” I say to him, folding my hands over my notebook. “You weren’t here. Sorry you missed the show.”

“So, tell me now.”

“I don’t feel like talking about it today.”

“Why not?”

My heart picks up its pace, but this stranger isn’t backing down. He just cocks his head, like he’s trying to figure me out, like I’m a puzzle to be solved.

“Why don’t you tell us about you, instead?” Jackie offers, noting the flush of my cheeks at all the attention.

The shadow smiles then, shrugging before he turns to Jackie. “Okay. I’m Gavin Lindberg. I’m a graduate student at Palm South. And I’m here because I got drunk and slammed my car into a tree with my little sister in the passenger seat. I killed her.”

He says the words with conviction, with punctuation, as if each word is a fist he’s throwing into our jaws. I feel each punch, and when he’s done, he looks at me again.

“I had an abortion that I didn’t tell anyone about, and when I finally healed from that, I was gang-raped by a guy I was seeing and three of his fraternity brothers,” I say, not backing down from his gaze. “Then, I became the villain, and I hurt everyone I love most.”

The room goes completely silent, and my heart beats so loud in my ears I wonder if they can all hear it, too.

Gavin smiles, and so softly under his breath that I almost don’t hear him, he says, “There she is.”

Jackie wraps up our session a few minutes later with another breathing exercise, and as soon as we’re dismissed, various members join in little groups to chat and finish up the last of the donuts. I’m just throwing my purse over my shoulder when I feel body heat behind me.

When I turn, I’m met with those piercing blue eyes up close and personal.

I wait for him to speak, but for the longest time, he just looks at me, his eyes trailing over me from head to toe. It’s not in a way that creeps me out, oddly — not like he’s checking me out or assessing my size.

Just like he’s seeing me, like he’s taking the time to look at the girl I hide from everyone else.

When his eyes finally trail up to mine again, he slides his hands into the pockets of his dark jeans, and that same crooked grin finds his lips.

“Thanks for sharing,” he says.

And then he brushes past me and walks out the door without another word to anyone else.WALKING BACK INTO Okay, Cool feels a lot like coming home.

I greet everyone on my way in, taking a little more time to chat with MyKayla at the front desk. She catches me up on her online dating ventures, while I fill her in on how Kappa Kappa Beta recruitment was and how classes have been so far. Then, I make my way to my new, permanent cube, and I sit down in the chair with my chest swelling as I adjust my little keyboard.

This is mine.

I feel it deep in my soul, that earned possession. Now that everyone knows about me and Mr. Church, I’m free from having to hide anything about myself. And with my internship being over, I’ve fully transitioned into a full-time paid position.

Ashlei Daniels, Account Manager at Okay, Cool.

My heart flutters a little with the feel of it. After my internship ended, I offered to extend over the summer, and of course, Brandon okayed it. And in the middle of July, my manager offered me the full-time position.