I clear my throat, inhaling a breath that burns too much for my liking and taking a marginal step back from Sophie. Her grin intensifies, as if she’s won some competition I hadn’t realized we’d entered into, but I hold my chin high to let her know she hasn’t won shit in my eyes.
“Thank you,” I say first. “And I would be happy to help you with your project. Why don’t you swing by my desk on Monday and we can discuss further?”
Sophie’s manicured eyebrow inches up, that smile still cemented on her lips. “I’ll do that.” Her eyes wash over me suggestively, tongue sliding along the inside of her cheek as she does, and now I know I’m not imagining things.
This bitch is checking me out.
Is she… is she hitting on me?
“Have a good evening, Ms. Daniels,” she says, tipping her almost-empty glass with a wink. Then, she plucks the toothpick with an olive at the end of it and pops it into her mouth, sucking on it in a way that makes her lips big and pouty before she turns and leaves me standing at the edge of the pool so shaken up that I’m in danger of falling into it.
And I keep standing there, completely alone, with a shocked face I can’t even pretend to hide.
What in the ever loving fuck was that?GAVIN LINDBERG HAS BEEN MIA from every session since the one when he so casually asked me to dinner.
Not that it matters, of course, because I’ve had my own priorities to focus on. I’ve spent the last month making amends, apologizing to everyone I’ve hurt and accepting that as much as I want them to, not everyone will forgive me.
Skyler was first, and she was the easiest — perhaps because she was the one in our group who always seemed to put her friends before herself. I don’t think it’s in her blood to hold a grudge, and I’m thankful for that, since we’re now slowly working toward having a friendship again.
My mother was the next battle, and it was more like a war, because as much as I was apologizing to her for all the hell I’d put her through in the past year, I was also confessing to her that she was responsible for a lot of the deep-seated issues I’d been fighting all my life.
She did not like hearing that.
I’m thankful to my mom for how she helped me after Landon and his brothers gang-raped me. It’s because of her that I clawed my way out of the deep, bottomless hole that night had put me in and took the reins of my life firmly in my hands once more.
But she also advocated ignoring what had happened and disguised that as strength. We never talked about it, and there was never any room for me to explore what that night did to me, how it permanently changed me, how I would never be the woman I was before. Hell, I wasn’t even allowed to say the word rape — like I should have been ashamed of it.
To my mom, strength is standing tall and holding your chin high and never letting anyone see that you were a human being with feelings and flaws and hopes and dreams.
You must be steel — cold and hard and resilient.
So, opening up to her was not only difficult for me, but to her it was practically being forced to lie in a bed of needles. She wasn’t just annoyed by my emotions, she was uncomfortable when they were aimed at her, which is why I wasn’t surprised when she was less then receptive to them.
Still, she forgave me, and she seemed to at least somewhat listen to me, and I hope that, like Skyler, we’ll move forward into a new, stronger relationship together.
I’d sat down and talked with everyone close to me — Lei, Jess, and Cassie included. I wasn’t ready to tell them everything that had happened to me just yet, but I at least wanted them to know that I was trying.
And then, there was Bear.
I’m not surprised that he reacted the way he did when I asked him to dinner and tried, pathetically, to explain why I murdered our child.
I know it’s not as callous as that, that I’m berating myself and not “being kind to myself,” as my therapist would urge me to do.
But truthfully? In my heart? That’s how I see it.
I took life from my own child, and I’ll never forgive myself.
So why does it upset me so much that Bear won’t forgive me, either?
He had every right to reject my apology that night we went to dinner, and still, I was shocked by it. Maybe it’s because through all the shit I’ve faced in the past year, he has always been there for me. He’s always been the one holding me and assuring me that it’s okay, and that I’m not a terrible person, and that I will make it out of the hell I’ve been imprisoned in.