Ritual - Palm South University

“I want you, Becca,” I say, voice cracking.

“I know. But you love her,” she says matter of factly, with a shrug in her shoulder. “And as long as that is true, you can’t have me.”

I suck in a stiff breath, shaking my head as emotion strangles me from the inside. My chest is tight, my jaw thick with tension, my knee bouncing uncontrollably.

I have to stop her.

But I can’t.

She’s right.

But I can’t admit it.

Slowly, Becca leans over, wrapping her arms around my neck. She presses her lips to my cheek, and I close my eyes at the contact, savoring what I know will be our last touch.

“You’re a good man, Bear,” she whispers. “But you can’t keep running and hiding from your truths.”

When she pulls back, it’s with a sniff and a swipe of her hand over her cheek to wipe away her tears. I wish it was my hand wiping them away, but it’s not me who gets to comfort her anymore.

I’m not sure I ever really did.

She doesn’t say another word. The goodbye doesn’t ever come. She just stands and bolts, her feet carrying her quickly away from me as I watch her go.

I let out a gasp, one that I can’t replace with my next inhale. I’m trying to get oxygen into my lungs and failing every time. Scrubbing my hands back through my hair, I let out a loud, lung-collapsing scream that echoes across campus.

And once again, I am alone.I somehow make it back to my room at the Omega Chi house.

I somehow manage to peel my damp clothes off, the ones I sweated through, and drag myself into the shower.

And when I finally collapse into my bed, I somehow pull out my phone.

And I call Erin.

My heart is in my throat as the line rings, over and over, again and again, with no answer. I hang up when her voicemail clicks on, immediately redialing her number.

“Please,” I beg, rolling my lips between my teeth. “Please pick up, Erin.”

When her voicemail clicks on again, I sigh, sitting up and moving to the edge of my bed. My legs dangle over, and I stare at my bare feet, waiting for the tone.

“Erin,” I say when it clicks, and just saying her fucking name has that same tight emotion gripping my throat. I let out a shaky breath, and with it, anything else I could have said.

Please, I need you.

Come over.

Help.

Instead, I hang up, and dial Skyler.

It takes less than five minutes for her to show up at my door, and she doesn’t knock. She just pushes through it, kicks off her sandals and climbs into bed with me.

Usually, it’s me curling around her, or holding her to my chest, but this time when she climbs over me, she drags my back to her chest and wraps her tiny arms around me as best she can.

Never in my life have I ever been the little spoon, and I almost laugh out loud at the stupidity of it.

But that laugh comes out as a sob.

And with it, I break.

Skyler doesn’t try to shush me as I fall apart. She doesn’t try to control my shaking body in her arms or my piercing wails as they rip through the quiet night around us. And if any of my brothers hear me — which I’m almost certain they do — they’re wise enough to stay away, to not ask, to pretend like they didn’t hear a thing.

For the first time since I was a kid, I cry myself to sleep.

Skyler is still there holding me in the morning.“YOU CAN DO THIS,” Skyler assures me on the phone as I press the button that will take me up to Brandon’s penthouse.

“You sure about that?”

“He loves you, Lei. Remember? He’s not going to walk away from you.”

I sigh, leaning my head back against the elevator wall and praying the call doesn’t drop on the way up. I need Skyler’s voice to keep me calm. “I’m such a fucking handful. Why would he stay? After what happened in the spring… and now this…”

“This was not your fault. And dating your boss is not a crime, however taboo it may be.”

I shake my head. “I’m trying to put myself in his shoes, if he came to me with this. And I gotta say… I wouldn’t be happy.”

“Look, he might be mad, okay? He might be hurt. But, again, he loves you. He’s not going anywhere. You two are a team, and you’ll figure this out together. Right?”

Silence.

“Lei, I need you to say it.”

I sigh. “Right.”

The elevator dings, and I force a slow exhale. “I’ll call you after.”

“You’ve got this,” she says again, and then I end the call just as the elevator doors open.

Brandon’s penthouse is unlike any place I’ve ever been in my life. The first time he brought me here, I had stood in this very elevator and gaped at the expansive space for what felt like an hour while he watched me and chuckled to himself.