A Lie for a Lie (All In 1)

I have dark circles under my eyes, and my skin is the color of paper. I consider going right back to bed, but I need to pump. Or feed Kody. I’m light-headed and weak, but at least the worst of the sickness seems to have passed.

I peek into Kody’s room and immediately go into panic mode when I don’t find him in his crib. I rush down the hall and come to an abrupt, dizzy stop. RJ’s huge body is sprawled out in the glider, my breastfeeding pillow secured around his waist, head lolled to the side, Kody cradled in his arms, both asleep. An empty bottle sits on the table beside them. They look so sweet together.

I sneak into the kitchen and try, as quietly as I can, to find my breast pump. It takes me less than fifteen minutes to fill two six-ounce bottles. Once I’m finished, I clean everything in the bathroom sink and also manage my own horrid appearance—although RJ’s seen me barf, twice, so I’m not sure why I feel the need. And unless I dreamed it, he cuddled with me and managed to get hard with me looking like yesterday’s strung-out lady of the night.

I change my pajamas and wipe myself down with a warm cloth, aware I’ve had the fever sweats for most of the night. The whole process is exhausting, and by the time I’m done I need to lie down again. Which of course means I also need to close my eyes. And fall asleep thinking about how I’m glad I made the choice to give RJ a second chance—and that he’s proving to be worth it.

I wake up at five thirty to the sound of a hungry baby. I throw off the covers and shrug into my fuzziest robe. If I’m quick enough, I can catch Kody before he’s fully awake, and often it means he’ll fall back asleep for another hour or so once he’s done feeding.

I’m still a little clammy and warm, and my entire body feels like I’ve been hit by a transport truck, but it’s a significant improvement over yesterday. The fact that my stomach rumbles is also a good sign.

I find RJ in the kitchen, Kody propped on one hip. His hair is all over the place—both boys—and since RJ slept in his clothes, he’s a wrinkled mess. There’s also a spit-up stain on his shoulder. And yet I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look as sexy as he does right now, in this moment. “Let’s see if there’s any more mommy milk in here, little man.”

“Morning.”

“Oh, hey. Sorry if we woke you up. How ya feeling?” He gives me a once-over. “You look better.”

“I feel better.” Kody lets out a shriek and lurches toward me. “I can take him.”

I hold out my arms, but RJ cups the back of his head protectively and turns his body slightly away from me. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea, Lainey. We don’t want him to catch what you had.”

I’m both irritated and impressed, considering he looks like he needs six more hours of sleep and a shower yet still manages to be gorgeous and concerned. “I’m sanitized and changed. He can get his milk right from the source, no bottle necessary.”

“Your mom said it would be better—”

“My mom? When did you talk to her?”

“She called last night. She was worried when you didn’t call her back.”

Kody screams again, louder this time, insistent. I step forward and put a palm on RJ’s chest. Giving him this second chance hasn’t been easy. I haven’t wanted to put my heart on the line, afraid it’ll just end up broken again, but I’m beginning to see just how much RJ wants this. He fielded a call from my mother, and that says a lot, all on its own. “It’s okay. I’m okay, and he needs to be fed—and I need to feed him, because I’m running like a leaky faucet.”

With a little reluctance and a whole lot of wide eyes, he passes Kody over. As soon as Kody’s in my arms he’s bumping around, pecking at me almost like a bird, mouth open and waiting for food. I’m on autopilot, not really thinking about what I’m doing as I shift my robe aside and undo the snap on my nightshirt, which is designed specifically for middle-of-the-night feedings.

Kody roots around almost frantically. “It’s okay. Mommy’s here. Breakfast is on its way.” He latches on, and after a few seconds he coughs, so I tuck my pinkie between his mouth and my nipple, forcing him to let go. Even though I pumped, I’m still way overdue for a feed, so I’m like a fire hose, shooting everywhere.

Unfortunately, RJ seems to be the main target, as I spray him across the shirt. I try to cover up, but all I end up doing is diverting the spray and hitting him in the face. I pull my robe closed, much to Kody’s displeasure. I maneuver around RJ, who’s clearly shocked, and lean over the sink, giving my boob a good squeeze before I attempt feeding Kody again. I wait until he’s latched on and there’s no sign of him choking before I turn around.