Pucked Off (Pucked 5)

Tash was probably my longest relationship, if I can even call it that. It was never monogamous. She made sure of that. There was a girl I dated my sophomore year of high school, but I was young, and even then I couldn’t handle getting close to people, so while it went on for a couple of months, it never felt like anything real.

“That’s a long time to be with one person.”

Lily nods. “We started dating when I was in grade nine. He was…stable. Well, more stable than my own situation. I grew up without a dad, and my mom wasn’t very good at picking decent guys. Neither was I.”

“We can’t make good choices all the time.” Randy’s mentioned Lily’s douche ex a couple of times. She’s a good person, so I can see how an asshole might use that quality to his advantage.

“He wasn’t always a bad choice. For a lot of years he was good to me, or at least relatively speaking. Anyway, after a while it stopped being a good thing. He spent a lot of time bringing me down. He could be mean, abusive.”

I think about what it would be like if Randy lost his shit on her and got physical, the kind of damage he could do. She’s so small—one hit could break bones. I can’t believe Randy hasn’t knocked this guy’s teeth out if that’s what she’s talking about.

“He hit you?”

Lily raises a hand, and I realize I’m halfway out of my seat, like I’m going to find the guy and beat him for her.

“It wasn’t like that,” she says. “It was emotional. He manipulated me a lot. He was subversive, antagonistic. He said things that were intentionally hurtful. It got worse over time, and I just sort of put up with it, thinking it must be normal. I stayed with him a lot longer than I should’ve.”

“Tash is good at manipulating, but that bullshit is done.” I don’t buy the words as I say them, even if I want them to be true. I haven’t even listened to her voicemails yet, or read her messages. But I probably will, because I torment myself this way.

Lily finishes the last bite of her first sandwich, swallowing before she responds. “Benji and I used to break up a lot. He would make threats, tell me he was going to sleep with other girls.”

“That’s a dickhead thing to do.” And exactly what Tash has done to me. And still does even though we’re not together, except it’s not isolated to one sex or the other.

“It is.”

“Did he screw other girls?”

“Probably. I can’t ever be sure one way or the other because he lied a lot, and sometimes it was just to make me jealous. But the not knowing was hard. His actions caused a lot of damage on the inside. The kind you can’t see, but affects a lot of things. I get that now. For a long time I kept letting it happen until I realized it wasn’t going to get better.”

I get what she’s saying. I understand it perfectly. But there’s a distinct difference between me and Lily: She’s actually a decent human being.

“What changed?” I ask.

“I decided I didn’t want him to have any more power over me, so I took it away.”

“Was it that easy?” I think about how things went down last night. How Tash duped me again. How I shouldn’t have gone to see her in the first place, but I couldn’t find it in me to stay away. I knew it wasn’t going to go the way I wanted. I knew there had to be a ploy, but I went anyway.

“It wasn’t. Randy made it easier.”

“He’s all about you.”

“And I’m all about him.”

I don’t have anyone to distract me from Tash. Of course there are bunnies. Lots of them, and they’re always interested in getting fucked. But that’s as far as it ever goes.

“Can I ask you something else?”

“Sure.”

Lily’s eyes dart away. “It’s personal.”

“I’ll continue to reserve the right not to answer if I don’t feel like it.”

She chews her lip, and a flush creeps up her cheeks.

“Why didn’t things work out with Tash?”

“I wanted something she didn’t.”

“Which was what?”

For her not to fuck other people, or bring me other people to fuck. “I just wanted it to be her and me, but she didn’t.”

“So she wanted to see other guys?”

“Or women, whatever. She was very inclusive.”

Lily looks confused. “And you told her what you wanted?”

“Yeah.”

“And she didn’t want to be exclusive?”

“Nope.”

“But you were still with her, even though she was with other people?” The flush in her cheeks deepens to a red that touches the tip of her ears.

“I thought maybe it would change eventually.” No need to tell her Tash and I have been with the same woman at the same time. She’s shocked enough as it is.