Knowing the girl was Annabelle’s daughter had me taking a closer look at her. Now I understood why her eyes had held me so entranced. They weren’t Annabelle’s clear blue that I loved so much, but the shape was exactly like hers. So were her nose and those lips. Those were the only similarities that mother and daughter shared, meaning the girl favored her father…
Motherfucking hell. Shit. Oh shit. This kid—this teenaged girl… How old was she?
Suddenly, I couldn’t breathe. All the oxygen left my lungs and I couldn’t suck in another breath. My gaze met the green and gold eyes that I knew were reflected back at her. She was so beautiful.
And mine.
Annabelle and I had made love three times the night before I’d left and we’d used a condom every time, I reminded myself. But… Fuck, the but was killing me. There had been that one time during the night when I’d gone twice without changing condoms. Fuck.
How had I not known she existed? She had to be sixteen years old and I was just now setting eyes on her. How…?
Motherfucker.
Memories of Annabelle being so desperate to contact me flooded my mind. The letter she had sent and I’d returned unopened because I’d been terrified of reading about how much she hated me for abandoning her. She hadn’t tried to contact me for months after that. I hadn’t heard another word from her until a few weeks after Gramps had died. She’d somehow gotten Rich’s number and started calling him daily. Rich had gotten frustrated with her and finally told me to call her, but I hadn’t. Too much of a pussy. There was no way I could call her and still stay sane. I’d wanted to hear her voice so damn bad, but I couldn’t call her. She deserved better than me. After that, there hadn’t been so much as a murmur from her until five years later. Rich had said Annabelle had been hysterical, and now I couldn’t help but wonder what had happened.
Ah, God, I’d fucked up. Fucked up so badly.
Nausea rolled in my stomach. I’d not only fucked up with Annabelle, but I’d evidently fucked up with my kid, too. I’d lost out on so much of her life and I had no one to blame but myself.
“I think he knows,” my daughter-motherfucker, my daughter—whispered to her mother.
Annabelle’s blue eyes glared without sympathy at me from across the room. “Yeah, looks like it. Took him long enough.”
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Annabelle
I knew the second he connected all the dots and found the truth. I didn’t have to see his eyes to know they were completely green now. He’d gone past his normal boundaries and he wasn’t coping well with what my daughter—our daughter—had thrown into his lap. His face twisted in agony and I was pretty sure he’d stopped breathing.
I took a sick sense of pleasure knowing how destroyed he was in that moment. That was the same feeling I’d had when I’d discovered I was pregnant two months after he’d left me without a backward glance and with a broken promise. That was how I’d felt when I’d fallen when I was six months pregnant and had been so scared I was going to lose my precious baby. And it was how I felt times ten million when five years later I’d nearly lost my reason for living.
Every time, I had tried to tell him what was going on, but he couldn’t be bothered to return my calls or even open a damn letter. Memories of pulling that letter out of the mailbox, the red stamp on the front saying ‘return to sender’ without it having been opened, still had the ability to slice at something deep inside of my heart. I’d needed him so much during those terrifying times and he wouldn’t give me so much as five minutes of his time.
My pleasure at his destruction lasted only five seconds. I couldn’t stand there, watching the man who still owned part of my soul falling into the abyss I knew he was so frightened of. His body started to shake and he took a stumbling step toward us. My instinct was to protect my child and I stepped in front of Mieke. He shook his head as if to clear it as he moved past us.
“Don’t leave,” he muttered. “Please…just don’t leave.”
Zander stumbled down the hall and struggled to open a door. Seconds later I heard him retching and my heart ached. Swallowing hard, I turned to face my kid. Concern darkened her green and gold eyes. “Is he going to be okay?” she whispered.
I cupped her cheek with one hand, rubbing my thumb under one beautiful eye. “Maybe not tonight, but he will be soon.” Zander was stronger than he knew and I wanted to help him deal with what must be a nightmare for him. “What were you thinking, honey? Why did you do this?” I was still trembling on the inside from how scared I’d been when I’d gotten that call from Noah.
Mieke’s chin trembled for a brief moment, her eyes continuing to travel down the hall to where her father was still throwing up. “I heard his voice when I talked to you this morning. I knew it was him, Mom. I just knew. Something inside of me needed to see him, to put a real person to the voice I’d heard. To the man you’ve told me so much about over the years. Don’t be mad. Please? I…I just needed to see him.”
I dropped my hand and closed my eyes. I’d never lied to her about who her father was. If she asked about him, I told her. She deserved the truth about the man who had helped me create her. I’d told her everything I remembered about him. Everything…except that he had destroyed me when he’d broken his promise to come back for me. But I knew she knew that. My girl was so special, she could practically feel the emotions in the air, and I knew she had known just how utterly broken I’d been when Zander had decided I wasn’t important enough. But I liked to lie to myself and pretended she didn’t know.
I stroked my fingers over her hair and asked the one question I was dying to know—although I was pretty sure I already knew the answer. “How did you know where he lived, Mieke?”
“It wasn’t hard to hack his email and bank accounts. I got his address off his bank statements. But I didn’t mean for this to happen,” she whispered. I blew out a frustrated breath through my nose. Damn it, she was too smart for her own good. It wasn’t the first time she’d ‘hacked’ someone to get the information she wanted. “I didn’t mean to upset him this much.”
“I know, honey. I know.” From down the hall I heard Zander groan, curse viciously, and then vomit again. “Sit down. I’m going to go check on your…dad.” It felt so strange saying that word, but once it was out it seemed so right that it made my heart ache all over again.
“Tell him I’m sorry,” she murmured as she sat. I didn’t answer her as I walked down the hall. She had nothing to be sorry for, but if she wanted him to know she was, then she could tell him herself.
Zander was on his knees in front of the guest bathroom toilet, his head in the bowl as he retched yet again. There wasn’t anything left in his stomach now and he was just dry-heaving. Seeing him like this gave me no pleasure and I was ashamed of myself for feeling it earlier. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone, especially not him. This was just the beginning, too. How was he going to handle knowing everything?
Finding a washcloth, I dampened it with cool water in the bathroom sink and knelt down beside him, wiping it over his brow. He jerked when I touched him, his tortured eyes lifting to mine as tears spilled down his face. “I didn’t know,” he muttered.
I just nodded as I continued to wipe his face. I didn’t know what to say to him right then, so I remained quiet. He didn’t need words at the moment. Hell, I didn’t know what he needed. I knew nothing about this Zander.
“Knew I wasn’t good enough for you, Anna.” He let out a moan and closed his eyes as I wiped the cloth over his jaw. “I’m a fuck-up.”
I sighed and stood long enough to rewet the washcloth. Seventeen years ago, I would have argued with him, but I didn’t know how to defend him now. Maybe he had been a fuck-up back then and I’d just refused to believe him. Love was blind, and I’d loved him so much. When he’d left, I’d lost a part of myself that I doubted I’d ever get back.
I lifted the washcloth to his face again, but he grabbed my wrist, stopping me. “How much do you hate me, Anna?”
That question had me biting the inside of my cheek. Honestly, there had been times I’d thought I’d hated this man all the way to my core. And then I’d look at my daughter and realize that I couldn’t hate the man who had given her to me. Pulling my wrist free, I returned to wiping his brow. “Starting to feel better?” I kept my voice quiet, not wanting Mieke to overhear us.
“Don’t,” he muttered.
I frowned. “Don’t what?”
He scrubbed a hand over his face, pressing his thumb and index finger hard into his eyes. “Don’t be nice to me. Don’t take care of me. I don’t deserve it. I never did.”
“I can’t,” I whispered. Maybe he didn’t deserve it, but I couldn’t stop myself from helping him. I never had been able to. My heart would probably always be weak where this man was concerned.
“Mom?” Mieke called. “Is Dad okay?”
Zander flinched at the word ‘Dad’, jerking in pain like he’d been shot. “Fuck,” he muttered, rubbing his hand across his chest. “She’s killing me.”
I stared at him for the longest time, trying to decide how to explain Mieke to him. “We’ll be out in a minute, Mieke.”
“I like her name,” he said as he pushed up from his knees and sat on the edge of the tub. “How did you come up with it?”
I lowered my eyes to the cloth in my hand, concentrating on folding it perfectly so I didn’t have to meet his eyes. “It’s a Dutch variation of my middle name. Her full name is Mieke Zandria Cassidy.” I could feel his gaze drilling into the top of my head as I whispered her name. “She is part of me and you. I wanted her name to represent us both.”
“It’s a beautiful name, Anna.”
“I thought so too.” I looked up long enough to give him a brief, sad smile before turning my gaze back to the cloth. “She’s everything I’ve ever wanted, Z. I should tell you about her...”
“Does she have my OCD?” he asked, his face looking haunted.
I quickly shook my head, knowing that he’d always worried about passing his mental illness on to any child he might happen to have. I remembered him always telling Noah that he wasn’t sure he wanted kids when he was older, that he didn’t want to subject a poor kid with what he’d always had to live with. “She doesn’t have it.”
His body noticeably relaxed. “Thank fuck for that. Look, I want to hear everything about her. From both of you.” He scrubbed a hand down his face. “Give me a minute to clean myself up, babe. I can’t face her like this.”
Zander left me there and I watched him walk in the direction I could only assume was his bedroom. I set the damp cloth on the sink and went back to the living room. Mieke was sitting where I’d left her, but her face was full of anxiety. I sat down beside her and pulled her into my arms.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I didn’t realize… I’m sorry.”
I tucked her head under my chin and tightened my hold around her. “It’s okay, baby. You wanted to see him and I understand your need to. Everything will be okay. I swear.”
She let out a shuddery breath and we sat there in silence while we waited for Zander to come out of his bedroom. He was gone five minutes and when he sat down on the coffee table in front of us, he’d changed his clothes and his hair was damp from the shower. His face was still pale, but there was a new determination in his eyes. Eyes that weren’t all green anymore. There was more gold now and I was proud of him for grabbing hold of his control for his daughter.
Slowly, Mieke lifted her head and met her father’s gaze. She swallowed hard and gave him a tight smile. “I’m sorry I upset you. When I decided to come here I didn’t realize how hard it would be for you. I mean, I knew it was hard for me, but I didn’t know it would make you…” She broke off and sucked in another shaky breath. “I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry about, Mieke. Ever. I was upset—am upset—but not at you, sweetheart.” He gave her a smile I remembered from our childhood; one I’d grown to rely on as we’d gotten older. It was full of so many different things that I knew our girl needed right then: reassurance, understanding…love.
Zander held out his hand and she didn’t hesitate to take it. His smile didn’t waver as he looked at her. “Tell me about yourself. I want to know everything about my daughter.”
Mieke’s eyes quickly locked onto mine, as if she were almost frightened to talk about herself. I tried to mirror Zander’s smile. “How about I start from the beginning?” She nodded and I cleared my throat. “Mieke was born three months early. She and…her twin sister.”
My eyes were on Mieke’s but I could practically feel Zander’s reaction. The air went completely still around him and I gave my daughter a watery smile. Thinking about her sister always ripped open old emotions and memories that were painful.
“We have another daughter?” His voice was raspy, but I didn’t so much as blink, not daring to break eye contact with Mieke when she needed me.
I swallowed around the lump in my throat. “No, we had another daughter. Mieke and her identical twin were born three months too early because I’d fallen and it put me into labor. They couldn’t stop it so they had to take both babies by C-section.” A tear spilled from Mieke’s green and gold eyes, and I lifted a trembling hand to wipe it away. “There were complications. They were too early and I nearly lost them both.”
“Go on,” he whispered roughly, encouraging me when I would have stopped. The memories were overwhelming me.
“The doctors knew there was going to be no helping Michelle… That’s what I named her, Michelle Anna Cassidy. I used a variation of your middle name and my first for her,” I explained.
“It’s beautiful, Anna.”
“She was. Even as small as she was, she was so beautiful. Just like Mieke.”
“Wh-what happened?”
“Mieke’s lungs were better developed than Michelle’s, but there was a hole in her heart…and other complications with it. The doctor said that even if I’d carried to full term, that Mieke’s heart would still have had issues. Michelle’s was perfect, but there were so many other complications with her that there was no way to help her. The doctors came into my room and told me that I could lose one daughter…” The first tear fell, but I didn’t bother to wipe it away. Every time I cried for Michelle, I never wiped away the tears. It felt like I was wiping away her memory if I did. “…Or both. I didn’t understand what he was telling me at first, and I was barely out from under the anesthesia, but I remember the doctor looking at Noah and explaining that they wanted to give Michelle’s heart to Mieke.”
Without releasing her father’s hand, Mieke tugged her shirt down until the top of her scar was visible on her chest. It was just a faded white scar now, not the angry red it had been for the first years of her life. As she’d grown, the scar had gotten smaller, but it was still a big scar. “Mom didn’t lose her, Dad. Michelle is still alive as long as my heart beats.”
I glanced at Zander then. Saw the way his whole body seemed to shudder in agony. I knew how he was feeling. It was like your heart was bleeding. Every time I looked at Mieke, I felt that way. I expected him to jump up, to turn away from us, as his eyes filled with tears. When he didn’t, but just tightened his hold on Mieke’s hand, I was surprised but proud of him.
We were all quiet for a long moment, each of us lost in our own thoughts. Finally I cleared my throat and went on. “Noah and Chelsea gave Michelle a funeral. Mieke and I both had to stay in the hospital for a long time afterward—Mieke much longer than me, of course. They buried Michelle beside my dad, which was pretty close to Gram and Gramps too, if you ever want to go see her.”
I hadn’t known until after my brother had buried Michelle that Zander’s grandparents had died. He must have kept it out of the papers, probably to make sure I didn’t go to the funeral. At that time, it had just been one more blow to my heart. I had hoped to take Mieke down to West Bridge and share her with her great-grandmother, if not her father. I knew Gram and Gramps would h
ave loved her… And yeah, I knew the old lady would have beat her grandson with a spoon the second she found out he hadn’t been in contact with me since he’d left, not letting me tell him he was going to be a father.
“I do,” he choked out. “Soon.”
I nodded. “Okay.” I went to visit her every Sunday when I was home. Yet another reason I didn’t know if I was going to be able to take Emmie Armstrong up on her offer. Maybe if I could work from Tennessee, like I’d been doing, but not if I had to be in California so often. I knew she’d said that becoming partners didn’t mean I had to leave Nashville, but I had a feeling that California would be where I was most needed.
“I got to go home when I was six months old, Dad.” Mieke continued when she realized I was reluctant to go on. I didn’t want to get to the other part. I didn’t want to remember…
“I looked like a little drowned rat with no hair, but by the time I was two I was where everyone said I was supposed to be. The doctors always said I’d be tiny, but by the time I was four I was taller than average. Mom says I’m still a shrimp because I get my height from you and I should probably be taller.” She smiled for him, the one to reassure him this time. “And because I have Michelle’s heart, I like to think that I can live enough for both of us. I try to, anyway.”
“You do, sweetheart,” I assured her. “You do.”
Zander nodded, agreeing readily with me. “Yeah, honey. You do.” His gaze turned to me all of a sudden. “That was why you called Rich. Because of the babies… But what happened later? Why did you wait until then to try and call me again?”