The Boy Who Has No Hope (Soulless 6)

The pain in his voice crossed the space between us and dissolved into my blood, made me feel as shitty as he did. I adored him, so of course that information hurt, but as a mother, it hurt in a more potent way because I would never, ever walk away from Lizzie like that. “I’m sorry…”

He lowered his gaze and looked at his knuckles. “Let’s be together, and in time, we’ll get to Lizzie.” He massaged his hands before he lifted his eyes to look at me, that intensity returning full force.

I wanted to join him on that couch and finally have the man I’d been worshiping for months. But I was pragmatic to a fault, and I knew there were so many things standing in our way. “Derek, if we do that and it doesn’t work out, it’ll be impossible for us to work together again. You’ll lose me and never be able to replace me. I’ll lose my job. We’ll both lose this friendship.”

“I would separate our personal relationship from our professional one. I would never expect you—”

“Like how you ignored me for two weeks then screamed at me?” I challenged.

He stilled at the accusation. “That won’t happen again, and no matter how angry I am, I would never fire you. We can still work together without being in the same room if it really came down to it. But I don’t want to focus on something that may not ever happen, especially when it doesn’t matter. We’re already in this relationship together. We’re just holding back from each other physically. You don’t want to risk everything, but all our chips are in the pot regardless.”

I couldn’t recall the moment when everything changed, when this deep emotional connection started between us, when he became the apple of my eye. It might have been the moment I discovered his stories. I’d written my own, and when I’d seen his date for the evening, I was devastated…and I’d felt stupid.

Could I really do that again? See another woman in his penthouse after he left for work? Would I regret not having this when I had the chance? There was only one Derek Hamilton in this world…and I could have him.

“Baby?” he whispered.

I inhaled a deep breath at the nickname, recognizing the tone of his voice because he sounded exactly the same as when he’d said it the first time, when he’d kissed me. It fit me so well, blanketed me in romantic affection that made me feel warm inside. My life had been devoted to Lizzie, and I wanted something for myself…the most incredible man in the world. “How would this work?”

“It seems like single parents introduce the person once they know it’s serious. So, let’s just be together, and when the time is right, it’ll happen.”

“But what if that time comes, and you change your mind?” I was afraid I would fall in love with this man, and then he would chicken out with Lizzie, and I would end up with a broken heart. “Derek, I already feel really strongly toward you, and if I really do this and you have a change of heart…I’ll be devastated. You made it perfectly clear how you feel about kids. I feel like it makes more sense to find a man who has kids of his own, but you’re the only man I want.”

He stared at the floor for a long time as he massaged his knuckles. Minutes ticked by, and it seemed like he wasn’t going to say anything. His hands finally separated, and he straightened to look me in the eye. “I won’t lie, you’re taking a risk. Everything about this is new for me. Just being in a relationship with a woman…is new for me. I need to take it slow, and in time, build up to that. I wouldn’t put you in this position unless I was all in. Do I want to meet Lizzie tomorrow? No. Can I picture myself having a relationship with her? No. Can I picture myself as a stepfather?” He shook his head and didn’t give an answer. “But I never, ever thought I would be in the spot where I am right now, with a woman I want more than anything else in the world, in a place where I might actually be able to let someone in, trust again, so…I think it’s possible…in time. I need you to give me time. I need you to take a leap of faith. I understand if you say no, if there’s too much at risk, but…I feel like we’re doomed, regardless. Because there’s something here, and it’s not going to go away, even if we stop working together and stop seeing each other. It’s just…not going to go away.”

After I’d had Lizzie, I hadn’t had a relationship…not in twelve years. Once dating apps became easily accessible, I occasionally had a drink with a man I met online, and it was basically a booty call. The guys never had a problem with it because it was purely physical. I’d never thought I was missing anything until now…until Derek. Lizzie was more than enough for me, gave me more joy than any man ever could, but now there was a pain in my heart that wouldn’t go away. There was one man on this earth who I wanted, who breathed new life into me, who made me want my own happiness. “I need you to understand it won’t be the way you’re probably imagining. It’s not like I can ever sleep over. It’s not like we can have a weekend getaway together. You’ll always have to share me…until you join us.”