I moaned against his lips. The relief of finally being able to express my emotions physically was a reprieve, an alleviation of a pain that had been gnawing at me since the moment we’d met.
His tongue invaded my mouth, his hand holding my head steady like he was afraid I’d move away.
I’m not going anywhere. I can’t. I’ve wanted this man for too damn long.
Our embrace became hungry, needy, full of a desire that couldn’t be appeased until we were both naked and skin-to-skin.
“Seth,” I murmured when his mouth moved down my neck, tasting every inch of the sensitive skin.
He was exploring me like he had to learn exactly what was going to turn me on.
“Seth,” I said in a stronger tone.
He lifted his head. “What’s the matter, Riley? What do you want?”
You. All I want is you! I want you to fuck me until my body is satisfied. Until I’m not overwhelmed by the uncompromising demands of my body.
I moved back a little, even though my body balked at the action. “There’s something I need to tell you. Something important.”
Seth and I were combustible, so I had to get out a truth that I needed to tell before I wasn’t able to tell him anymore.
My mouth opened, and reflexively closed again.
I blinked tears of frustration from my eyes. “Dammit!” I cursed, angry because something always thwarted me when I wanted to tell the truth about my childhood. Not that anybody knew about it except Penny and my counselor, but it had been difficult even when I’d told them.
So I started a different way. “I don’t have much sexual experience,” I blurted out. “I mean, I’m definitely not a virgin, but it’s never been . . . good.”
“I’ll make it good for you, Riley,” he promised in a sexy baritone.
I took a deep breath. “There was a guy in college, but he finally walked away because he was interested in somebody else. Deep inside, I know it was because I didn’t respond well to . . . sex. I didn’t really like it, and I don’t do . . . oral sex. At all. Ever.”
He was silent, so I continued, “And then there was Nolan.” Tears started to flow from my eyes as I spoke. “It was awful every single time, but I don’t think he really cared. I just lay there praying for it to be over. So feeling this way with you is . . . unexpected. I don’t know what will happen.”
To my mortification, I started to sob, something I’d never done in my entire life.
Seth pulled my head down to his shoulder. “Let it go, Riley. Let it go.”
He just stroked my back and held my body against his as I started to wail uncontrollably.
I felt like I was expelling years of torment and pain with every breath I took, every convulsive cry that left my mouth.
I wasn’t sure how long I bawled against his shoulder like a child, but he was with me every step of the way.
I could feel his compassion. And I could hear his pain mingling with mine as he crooned, “Everything will be okay, baby. I swear. I know something is wrong. Just tell me. Whatever it is, we’ll deal with it.”
“That’s the problem,” I said tearfully against his shoulder. “I’ve never been able to deal with it until recently. Even after the intensive counseling I’ve gone through for the last two years.”
My cries had quieted, but my tears were still flowing, soaking his shirt as they kept coming unceasingly.
I felt Seth’s body tense beneath mine. “Tell me. Get it out.”
I want to tell him.
I need to tell him.
Our relationship really couldn’t go any further until he knew, yet it was going to be difficult to discuss.
I drew on all that I’d learned over the two years of treatment I’d had for my issues. But it was the hardest thing I’d ever done when I blurted out, “I think I’ve never liked sex because my father molested me for three years when I was a child. From the time I was six, until I was almost ten years old. I think you need to know that I’m emotionally damaged from it, Seth. I’m not sure I can be the woman you need. At all. Ever.”
CHAPTER 20
SETH
I would have been less surprised if Riley had told me she was secretly an alien from another planet in a different galaxy.
I could have probably handled that.
Unfortunately, I had no damn idea how to rationalize what she’d just told me.
All I knew was that somehow, I needed to make things right for her again. Her emotional pain was killing me.
She started to sob all over again, and every ragged breath she took was like a knife plunging into my soul.
I felt destroyed.
I felt savagely protective, to the point where my arms tightened around her body in an effort to protect her from things that had already happened to her as a child.
But I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t shield her from the events of her childhood.
All I could do was make her understand that as of today, she was mine to protect for the rest of her life, or until the end of mine.
I could feel how difficult it had been for her to share something like that with me, and I’d hurt as I’d watched her struggle bravely to spit out the truth.
I stood up with her in my arms, took the stairs, laid her gently on the bed, and wrapped us up together until our limbs were so entwined that she wouldn’t know where she ended and I began.
She rubbed her head against my shoulder. “Seth?” she murmured uncertainly.
“I didn’t bring you here to have sex, Riley,” I promised. “I just want you to rest. And I want to hold you when you do. If you want to talk, then we’ll talk. But the last thing I want to do is push you.”
“You probably don’t want to have sex with me anymore, right?”
“Wrong,” I said harshly. “I want you so much it fucking hurts. But that isn’t my first priority. It never was. Baby, my balls aren’t going to fall off if we don’t have sex, even though it might feel like it. From now on, it’s all about what you want. This goes at your pace.”
“I think you need to find a woman who’s . . . whole,” she whispered close to my ear.
“I have the woman I want,” I rasped. “And I’ll move a damn mountain to help her realize that she’s already whole. I’m so fucking sorry about what happened to you as a kid, but it makes no difference to who you are now. It wasn’t your fault, Riley. It never will be. You were a little girl. And an adult in a position of power in your life used it against you. You must know that by now.”
“Rationally, I do,” she answered weakly as she cuddled against my body. “But there are still glimpses of the guilt and shame I’ve carried since childhood, even though I’ve been in counseling for two years. My father has been dead for a decade, and I still remember everything. I’ve never been able to have pleasurable sex. I felt . . . dirty.”
“You’re not dirty,” I answered, anger coursing through my entire body. I tamped it down. The last thing Riley needed was to deal with my emotions about what had happened to her. “You’re beautiful inside and out, baby.”
“I never felt like I was,” she murmured softly. “I thought I’d forget it, Seth. It did happen a long time ago. But later, I started having flashbacks, and I was mired in depression and anxiety when I was finishing law school. I was spiraling downward, and I think that’s what led to me accepting Nolan’s proposal. I thought that maybe if I could just . . . belong, I’d be okay. Except I think it had the opposite result. I felt . . . trapped. And even more anxious. It wasn’t until I started seeing a counselor here in Citrus Beach that I realized I was probably having a form of PTSD. I started to understand that those kinds of things can’t be buried. Ever. I had to learn to deal with it before it completely controlled my life. I needed to talk about it.”