It was time he got laid.
It had been so long and unlike his friends, he wasn’t comfortable picking up strangers. He loved sex, craved it. Now. It had taken him a long time to embrace it, but once he’d worked past his fears, he’d enjoyed it. He missed feeling close to someone, missed the slide of another body onto his, missed the sweat—the kissing. Hard arms around him. He was so fucking lonely; it had become a physical ache in his chest that never eased. And to watch his friends pairing off made it worse. And that made him feel rotten because he loved them. They were his world. He was glad they were finding happiness and he was already nuts about the men they’d chosen.
He wanted one of his own. The problem was, he had a particular need: to feel safe enough to let himself go with someone. That took time and he hadn’t had a lot of that lately. Not since he opened his own restaurant. There had been a waiter he’d found attractive…but he knew better than to sleep with someone who worked for him.
Then there’d been the detective.
His chest tightened at the thought of Hollis Banner before the usual disappointment flooded in behind the strange twinge. Ian had thought there’d been something between them. Just a spark, but it had felt important somehow. Like thousands of possibilities existed in its nucleus. Neither had made a move and though Ian wasn’t the type to sit back and wait for someone to step forward first, the big man had made him nervous enough to pause. Thankfully, it was nervous mostly in a good way. His damn heart had picked up its pace every time they were in the same room together.
But the cop had obviously not been as interested because he never did more than eat in the restaurant and make small talk…and then he’d disappeared.
Or he had been interested and learning about Ian’s past with Boris Jagger had ruined everything. It had for Ian. He wanted nobody who knew the truth of his past, who would think him broken or fragile.
Ian lowered the towel and stared at his face. He wasn’t broken and he wasn’t fragile. But he did have issues and though he wanted to go out and find some random stranger for sex, he knew he wouldn’t be able to go through with it. He’d tried, and that had been a lesson in humiliation he wasn’t willing to repeat. He supposed he could call Sam, a friend who sometimes came with benefits, but he’d learned from experience that when he had this particular ache, he needed something a little harder and lot hotter than his sweet friend.
It was hell being both attracted to and afraid of big men.
“Ian, did you drown in there?” Rowe’s voice came through the door followed by a hard knock. Once it would have come with laughter, but Rowe rarely laughed these days.
Familiar guilt chased away his need for sex. Guilt that he’d been the one to walk away from the car accident that had taken Rowe’s wife. His friend. He missed Melissa so badly and couldn’t imagine what it was like for Rowe. He only knew that his friend had changed and he missed the pranks, the jokes. They all did. They all worried. Snow baited Rowe constantly now and it hardly ever worked.
“Ian?” Concern laced his voice this time, though he sounded farther away.
Ian tried a smile at his reflection, took a deep breath and went back into the office. He sat in the chair across from Rowe and crossed his legs, flicking off a piece of lint from his brown slacks. “Sorry, was lost in thought in there.” He eyed the red scruff Rowe kept on his face more often than not these days. It suited his rough friend. “Have you always been this sneaky?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Rowe deadpanned, but there was a faint crinkle around his eyes, a ghost of the playful Rowe they all loved.
“You waited until I was in the bathroom to call for Gidget. Why?”
Rowe huffed, acting as if he was put out, but Ian didn’t buy it. “She won’t tell Andrei about the research request, but she would mention to Andrei that you were here talking to me, in private. Andrei would tell Lucas, who would then be all over my shit about stressing you out. Let’s just say I’m circumventing another Vallois temper tantrum.”
A smile rose on Ian’s lips. He was long used to Lucas’s overprotectiveness. It was one of the things he loved most about the man. Of course, Ian had learned years ago how to properly navigate Lucas and Snow’s protective urges. “It’s only because he cares and worries.” Ian paused and bit his lower lip, debating for a heartbeat whether to continue. “He’s worried about you, too.”