This Regret

I spin around to see Kade standing behind me rubbing his eyes. His hair is standing up in all directions looking as if he hasn’t slept in weeks. Damn, he looks terrible. I guess we both can’t seem to function at the moment.

It makes my heart ache seeing him this way. I haven’t seen him this messed up since that day, eight years ago, when we both sat in the woods for hours crying and staring into space, wondering how the world could be so cruel.

My mouth opens but then closes because I can’t seem to form any words. What do I say to him? I mean what can I say? Should I say anything at all or pretend it never happened? Neither one of us could’ve been prepared for what we discovered two days ago. Kades never been much for talking about his feelings, he finds other ways to deal with it; therefore, making this moment really awkward for the both of us.

“Kade,” I clear my throat. Are you-“

“It’s all good.” He attempts a smile, but you can barely even call it that and the emptiness in his eyes says otherwise. “Never been better,” he says, but I can tell he’s lying by the sound of his voice.

He reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cigarette.

“I thought you quit,” I say, reaching out to comfort him. I squeeze his arm not really knowing what to do. “Are you sure you’re okay? I mean did you tell your parents?”

He shakes his head and huffs. “Hell no. There’s no point in telling them and breaking their hearts all over again. You saw him, Phoenix. He has no intention of coming back. If he did then he would have years ago.” Holding the cigarette to his mouth, he plays with his lighter, flicking it a few times before lighting it. It’s a nervous tick he used to have back when he smoked. “That selfish dick.”

“I’m sorry, but who is a selfish dick?” Jen asks. “You both look like hell,” she states while looking us over with her intense mommy eyes.

Kade takes a huge drag that seems to go on for minutes before replying. “Don’t worry about it,” he says giving Jen a hard look. “You don’t need to worry about it. It’s no one important.” He leans over the picnic table and takes another drag, inhaling deeply before putting it out on the bench and slowly blowing out the smoke, as if it’s just relieved all of the stress he’s been carrying around.

Jen nods her head and returns to chopping up the vegetables. “Alrighty, then.” She waves the smoke off. “If it’s not a big deal, then try not to light another one of those by the food. It’s gross and some of us don’t smoke.”

Kade nods. “Right, sorry. It’s been a rough day.”

Following Jens lead, not knowing what else to do, I grab for a knife to help with the onions. The onions can be used for an excuse to cover up any unwanted tears if they should fall and I need anything possible to take my mind off Kellan. At the moment I wouldn't even care if it meant wrestling pigs. Anything would do.

"Where's Jax?" I question just now realizing I haven't seen him since arriving over an hour ago. "Don't tell me he's not coming." I hold the knife up threatening her. I've lost it, apparently. Maybe having this knife isn't such a good idea after all.

She narrows her eyes and leans back holding her massive knife up, blocking mine. “Mine’s bigger so I would be careful where you point that.”

I lower my knife. “Shit, you’re right. My bad, woman.”

I peek behind me to see Kade still leaning over the picnic table lost in thought. He’s a total wreck and seems to be lost in his own little world. I’m surprised he even showed up at all.

“He’ll be here later. Nathan just had a few things to take care of first.” I turn back around and she smiles nervously. “He’ll be here,” she whispers this time. I almost didn’t even catch it.

Kade speaks finally, breaking his moment of silence. “I’m sorry about last night.”

I lean against the picnic table and place the knife down beside me. To be honest, I probably can’t focus long enough to cut up an onion without managing to cut off one of my fingers anyways.

“What are you sorry about?” I question, not really understanding. “You didn’t do anything.”

He stands up straight and grabs my shoulders to look me in the eye. It almost looks as if he’s about to cry, but is doing a damn good job of hiding it. “I overreacted the other night at the shop. I just lost it.” He pauses, lost in thought for a moment before looking over to see that Jen isn’t listening. “Maybe I shouldn’t have swung at him like I did. At least not with you so close. I would never forgive myself if I accidently hit you. I promised I would learn to control my anger a long time ago, but when I saw him I couldn’t think. I just couldn’t help it. I didn’t know how to react. I’ve had all of this pent up anger and hurt for so long, not knowing where he was, then seeing him standing there just fine, just set off an explosion of emotions and I saw red.”

After Kellan disappeared, Kade acted out by getting into countless fistfights at school. After getting suspended a couple of times and almost ending up in the hospital, I made him promise to gain control or I wasn’t going to be around him anymore. I couldn’t handle it. I had my own shit to deal with and could barely get by as it was without worrying about his wellbeing.

I find my hand reaching over to touch his face before I can stop myself. Jen is probably watching by this point, but my heart is breaking for him. I don’t want to see him hurting. He doesn’t deserve this. “Don’t apologize to me. You had every right to be mad. I wasn’t expecting it, sure.” I stop to think my words over. “But maybe he deserved it.”

Jen drops the knife and wipes her hands off on a towel. “Okay. Y’all need to tell me something. You know I can’t take secrets and whispering.” She looks at Kade. “Who did you hit? Did you kick his ass? Did he kick yours? What is the deal? Someone tell . . .”

Just then, everything seems to go in slow motion and the words around me fade into whispers as my eyes lock on Kellan. He pushes himself off an expensive looking motorcycle and runs his hands through the thickness of his dark hair. I can’t help but to imagine what it would feel like to be able to touch it, to pull it and twirl it in my fingers.

Jen and Kade are still talking, but none of the words seems to be registering. The only thing registering in my head is how undeniably sexy Kellan looks in his faded, ripped up jeans and army green, fitted button down, rolled up to his elbows, showing off even more of his glorious tattoos.