This Regret

“As much as I don’t want to,” I look into her eyes and hate myself for what I just did. But I can’t deny that it was the best moment of my miserable existence. “I should get you home before I lose all control again and take you right here again,” I say stiffly, suddenly not knowing how to act. Do I let her know how much I still want her, or do I push her away so she doesn’t get hurt? Either way, it hurts to not be able to give her what she wants or needs because I'm f**ked up in the head. So what if she liked me back then. I’m a different person now and once she gets to know me again, she’ll only hate me. Who could love me after what I did?

I reach for her bra and shirt and help her get dressed. Once we reach the edge of the roof, I help her down the ladder and over to my truck. I place my hand under her ass to give her a boost. Upon touch, I feel skin on skin contact and I remember her torn underwear now reside in my pocket. Just a little something for me to always remember one piece of heaven in my own personal hell. My fingers brush against her bareness, making us both stop and take a deep breath. I’m not ready to let her go just yet and feeling her this way makes me want to prolong it. “Where do you live?” She sits in the passenger seat and closes her legs together before handing me my keys.

“My car's at the Ranch,” she says confused. “You don’t need to take me home, Kellan. You can drop me off there.”

Like hell I will. I can’t do that. My protective instinct won’t let me drop her off to Kade, just waiting for his chance to have her the way I did earlier. I refuse to place her in his hands. Even though I know I can’t have her, as selfish as it may be, I don’t want him to have her either. Pondering, I think of an excuse to take her home instead.

“People are probably still at the party and I know you don’t want to get sucked into that again. Let me take you home and I will be sure you get wherever you need to be tomorrow. I promise.”

She’s quiet for a second as if she’s thinking things over before she finally responds. “1349 Rodeo Drive. My mom and sister are staying with me for a bit so don’t be surprised if you see two nut jobs running around.”

“Is everything okay?” I ask, curious as to why Phoenix has this responsibility now and hoping it’s not too much for her to take on. It's about time her mother learns to grow up and rely on herself instead of her kids.

Elaine and Ethan should have been over years ago. That’s why Adric was always stressed out. He constantly worried about what he would have to do to take care of his family after his dad quit talking shit and actually left them behind. Ethan never gave a crap about his family and I tried my hardest to protect Phoenix from the truth so she wouldn’t hurt as much as Adric did. Adric had dreams of opening his own tattoo shop one day and forming a band to share his love for music with the world. Music for him wasn't just something to pass the time like most people, it was his escape. He poured his heart and soul into his lyrics. I still have that old worn out notebook packed full of songs he carried everywhere. I always said if I got good enough, I was going to record them and make a tribute to him. He never would get excited, as if that dream would come crashing down if he were left to take on all of the responsibility. It had him on edge and now Phoenix might be stuck carrying that same weight.

She looks up from playing with her hair and forces a smile. “I guess. It’s nothing I can’t handle and it’s only temporary.”

“Okay, but if you need anything you let me know.” I place my hand on her chin and look into her eyes. “I mean that. You don’t have to handle everything by yourself.”

She pushes my hand away and pokes at my nipple. “Just get in the truck, you worry too much. You’re just like Adric, you know that?” She flicks my nipple and I look down at her hand and grin.

“I knew you always liked my ni**les.”

“Oh, shut up!” She smiles and this time it isn’t forced. I love seeing her smile. It makes me smile and for once, I see shades of color in this f**ked up life of black and gray.

When we pull up in front of her tiny apartment building, there’s a tall, slender girl with wild, red curls sitting on the porch of what I assume is her apartment. She has her legs propped up on a chair that is tipped over sitting across from her and she’s looking down into her lap as if she’s trying to concentrate on something.

“Holy shit, is that Zoe? She is almost grown up now.”

Phoenix laughs as she reaches for the door and pushes it open. “You have no idea. This girl is a handful. Just ask . . . never mind.” She smiles and her eyes land on my lips. I want to kiss her so bad, but I don’t know if I should. “Thanks for the ride, Kellan. Both of them,” she teases, while pulling her eyes away from my lips.

Fuck it! I’m just one big mistake after another so why stop now? I tangle my fingers into the back of her hair and crush my lips against hers, opening her mouth with my tongue. I feel my arousal as soon as her tongue collides with mine and I have the urge to pull her into my lap and slide into her right here. Just as I’m about to grab her hip and pull her to me, I open my eyes to see a little red spitfire with her arms crossed over her chest and her eyes focused dead on me. “Well well, look what the cat drug in and who’s this? Have you finally told Kade to take a hike? If he’s replacing him, then I’ll let him stay.”

Phoenix pulls away, wiping her hand over her wet lips. “Shit, Zoe!” She runs her hands through her hair while trying to catch her breath. “It’s a long story, Zoe,” she says, “And I’m tired so go inside and I’ll be inside in a minute.”

A set of big hazel eyes set on me again and I can’t help but to smile. I remember those eyes and that wild crazy hair and it reminds me of happier times. Zoe was only six the last time I saw her, but she was always following me around the house. I just can’t get over how much she’s grown.

“Little Zoe,” I say teasingly, as Phoenix steps out of the truck and adjusts her little skirt. “My little tail has grown up.”

Her lip curls up and she gives me a confused look, dropping her notebook into the seat of my truck. “Excuse me, weirdo,” she mumbles. “I’m no one’s little tail, whatever the hell that means?”

She’s damn adorable and feisty, standing there looking like she wants to hit me. She didn't get Adric's laid back nature, that's for sure but she definitely takes after Adric's take crap off no one attitude and the thought makes me laugh. I miss my bro so much and being here with his family makes me feel closer to him “It’s been a long time. Trust me. Eight years to be exact, but you used to follow me around everywhere like I had a tail.”