This Regret

He huffs, dropping his arms to his sides and leaning into my ear. “Since I’ve been trying to get with you, Phoenix. I’ve turned numerous girls down for you and this is what I get.” He pulls away, shakes his head and walks toward the door. A part of my heart breaks as he walks away. I didn’t realize how serious he was about this. I thought it was all in fun. I never meant to hurt him.

Stopping, he stands frozen at the door. “When he hurts you don’t, I repeat, don’t come crawling to me. I warned you. Why, because that’s what friends do. So, goodbye . . . friend. Have a great f**king life and do me a favor.” He turns around as he reaches for the door handle. The look on his face is of pure rage and hate. “Tell my brother to f**k off.” He walks out slamming the door behind him so hard the walls shake.

Swallowing hard, I bury my face in the palm of my hands and stand there, frozen in place. I just hurt someone that I care about. I have no idea what I’ve gotten myself into with these boys, but I know it can’t be good. I’m so damn confused I could scream. In fact, maybe that’s just what I’ll do, and I do. I scream because I’m pissed at myself for not being able to gain control of my thoughts and pissed at myself for being so weak when it comes to Kellan. From now on, I need to be stronger.

* * *

I drive myself to Jen’s house in a daze, feeling more like a zombie than an actual person. The streets, cars and houses all blur around me as I focus my vision on the road directly in front of me, pissed off at the world for my screw-ups. As emotional as I am at the moment, I probably shouldn’t even be driving. This isn’t safe, but then again, what the hell is anymore?

Pulling into her driveway and killing the engine, I rest my face against the side window and close my eyes in thought. The heated glass, from baking in the sunlight, warms my cheek. The heaviness of today is finally starting to weigh on me now that I’m fully awake and ready to start my day. I can’t stop thinking about how Adric should be here celebrating his twenty eighth birthday today. He should be strumming away at his old guitar, putting on a show for everyone to see. He was too young to die. As much as I want that to happen, it never will and it kills me more than anything does. He deserves to be here and sometimes his addiction pisses me off. I still don’t understand why, when he always seemed so happy and eager to live. Why did he need those damn pills? Everyone loved him and surrounded themselves with him every second they could. How could he need something to alter his state of mind? I didn’t even know about the drugs until that day.

After pulling myself together, I step out into the brightness of the sun and slowly walk through the long grass leading up to Jen’s small porch that houses mine and Adric’s old porch swing. It’s old and worn out. The brown cushions are ripped in various places and the wood is dull and weathered, but it was ours. My mother wanted to get rid of it years ago, but I refused to give it up, so when Jen moved into her house I asked her to take it with her. The porch of my apartment building is too small or else I would have taken it home with me. It's more of a covering than a porch.

Jen pushes open the screen door and walks outside just as I run my hands over the seat and sit down on my side of the swing. I always sat on the left while Adric sat on the right. My eyes blur as I run my hand over the empty seat next to me and let the tears spill. My whole body is shaking and my sobs come out as if they’re being choked out of me. I can barely breathe.

“I miss you so much. I can’t do this without you, Adi. Why can’t you come back? I would give up my life if I knew it would give you one more day on this earth. You were the greatest person I knew and I loved you more than anything. I still do. Everyone is different without you around to lighten the mood.” I feel Jen’s hand squeeze my shoulder and the tears come out in thick puddles now, soaking the seat beneath me. Having her comfort, makes me feel more vulnerable and I just want to let it all out.

“That’s it, Phoenix. Let it out sweetie. He’s listening.” She kneels down in front of me and places her head on mine, her lips against the back of my head as she soothes me. “I’ve been waiting for this day for years. It’s not healthy keeping it all in. He wouldn’t have wanted you harboring that kind of internal pain.”

She rubs circles on my back and we stay like this for a while, both of us in silence as I stare down at the seat Adric used to read his poetry to me from. It’s so easy to picture the image in my head. The wind blowing through his dark hair as he sat there with that huge Adric smile he used to wear so well. The one that made everyone stop and remember there was something to be grateful for. The one that made you wish you could look at that smile forever. He lived to make people happy. He had a smile that could light up the world. He just had a little rough side. A dark side that he never showed me. Even with the dark, he was and still is the best person I know. I wish I could see him one last time. One chance to tell him goodbye. He didn't give me a chance to tell him I love him. If I could have him back to me just one time, I would never ask for anything again.

“I was worried about you yesterday. I’m sorry I gave you a hard time. I just didn’t know how else to handle it at the moment.”

I tilt my head and look up into her caring eyes. She’s always been so genuine having my best interest at heart and I love her for that. She’s been the best friend a person could ask for. “I know,” I whisper. “You don’t need to say anything, Jen. Your mommy instincts have always been the best part of you and I know you only have my best interests at heart.”

I sit up, allowing her to take a seat next to me on the swing. We both stare out over the railing of the porch and look up toward the sky, taking in the sight of the big, beautiful clouds. We both spent a lot of time outside on this swing as well. Whenever Jen would stay the night and Adric was busy with Kellan, Jen and I would sit outside for hours having our famous girl talks. This swing holds so many shared secrets between everyone. If this swing had lips, we’d all be in a world of deep shit.

“You know, I never thought I would be able to handle these two days being back to back. It’s killed me for years, leaving me emotionally crippled, unable to do anything but crawl up in bed for two days, unresponsive. Some years even completely drunk to numb the pain for a while. Yesterday when I left with Kellan . . .” I pause to swallow and tilt my head to look at Jen. She looks back, waiting for me to continue. “We went to the cemetery and it was a beautiful experience. We laughed, cried, and spoke of old memories and I felt more alive than I have in years. He’s the only reason I’m able to be here today instead of curled up in bed. He’s made me realize that by pushing back memories of my brother, that I’m killing what I have left of him. Why couldn’t I see that before, Jen? What is wrong with me? Adric would be ashamed.”