This Regret

About an hour or so after Kellan left, I pulled Jen aside to be sure she felt comfortable being left alone with Tyler. She peeked over her shoulder at Tyler bouncing Jax on his knee and her eyes lit up. Now that I think about it, I never saw Nate do that kind of stuff with Jax and I think that alone was enough to show Jen how sweet and caring Tyler must be. She just leaned into the door frame and crossed her arms over her chest as she watched Jax laugh and play with Tyler. “Yeah,” she said. “We’ll be fine.” Seeing her happy made my heart melt. She has been dealt a shitty hand in life and never complains like most people would. She deserves a happy ending.

I was glad for Tyler's presence because I really had no choice but to leave. Dale called me in a panic needing me to cover the closing shift. I can’t complain, it’s my job as manager to cover all uncovered shifts. On the bright side, Saline is finally gone. As much as I shouldn't accuse without proof, if I had to guess, she was probably the reason I was finding money missing from the drawer over the last few months. I never trusted her, so to be honest, I’m glad she screwed up enough to get fired. If it weren’t for Tyler being so kind and offering to stay the night at Jen’s, I don’t know what I would have done. If Tyler is anything like Kellan, then I have no worries that he’ll keep her safe from Nate if he is stupid enough to come back tonight.

When I walk in the door of my apartment, Zoe is sitting on her knees, hunched over the coffee table. She looks really zoned in on whatever it is she’s doing. I look around but don’t see mom anywhere and to be honest, I’m kind of relieved. I walk over to stand behind Zoe. “You seem to be concentrating really hard.” I half smile, while trying to get a peek. “Are you drawing something?”

She looks up from the pad of paper and her eyes are red and puffy. She gives me a hard look, eying me up and down before turning her attention back to the paper and wiping at her face. “No, I’m not.” She tears off the top sheet of paper and wads it up in her hands before throwing it across the room at my waste basket like a basketball, missing the goal. “I’m trying to write a stupid poem and it’s making me mad. I can’t seem to do anything right. I don’t know why Kellan thinks this will help me.” She pauses to lean her head against the seat cushion, looking forlorn. “I don’t know. I mean . . . I guess it’s helping a little bit, but it’s still making me mad. Nothing sounds good. My life sucks. Why couldn't I get the smart gene like you or the artistic ability like Adric? I have nothing going for me.”

I set my keys down on the table before taking a seat on the couch, leaning close to her shoulder. Zoe has always been really hard on herself and I hate her thought process. It hurts to see her this way and sometimes I just don’t know what to say. “Zoe, there is nothing wrong with your life. You’re young, pretty, smart and determined. You have a lot of things going for you. A lot more than some girls out there. Trust me, things aren’t as bad as they seem.” I think.

She laughs sarcastically as she pushes herself to her feet and grabs her notebook. “That’s a funny joke. Should I laugh now or later? You can stop trying to play the good mom, ya know. I'm old enough to handle the truth now. I am what I am and I've come to terms with it.” Closing the notebook, she tucks the pen behind her ear and rolls her eyes. “If I didn’t have a point, to prove something to someone, I wouldn’t even be trying to write this stupid poem. You don’t need to feed me crap I will choke on. I’m almost fifteen. I may be young, but I’m not blind. I know I’m none of those things. I’m not like you, Phoenix and I don’t expect to ever be.”

“Excuse me. What do I have to do with anything? You don’t need to be like me. Everyone is different Zoe.” Since when did this little girl get so damn dark inside? Every day she gets a little angrier at the world and it scares me. “You must be blind if you can’t see all of those good things about yourself. You better get your head out of your ass before you end up making some stupid decision like . . . smoking for example. You need to quit that crap, Zoe. You can be anything you want to be if you would actually give a crap and try.”

“Whatever. Just leave me alone. I don't need some stupid lecture from you.” Taking a deep breath, she turns for the front door and stops right before walking outside. “Can I have your room tonight? Mom has it every night and I could use some privacy to concentrate. I’m sure mom will be up all night rambling and crying to herself anyways. I think she broke into grandma’s stash. She’s losing it and I’m going insane just by watching her lose it. I need my own room.”

That’s just what I need to hear. Mom drinking again is not a good idea. I still remember those nights of finding her on the floor next to the couch with puke all over her face. She thinks I was too young to remember at the time, but I wasn’t and no matter how hard she tried to convince me it was my imagination, I knew it wasn’t. I think I even remember Kellan and Adric carrying her upstairs late one night when my dad didn’t come home. It was not a pretty sight.

I huff at the thought. “Yeah, that’s fine. I have to work all night anyways so I won’t be back until after two sometime. Just let mom know when she wakes up that I’ll be gone all night and I said it was fine for you to take the room tonight.”

I watch her as she nods her head and opens the door. “Where are you going?”

“Just out with a few friends. I’ll be back in a few hours. I already told mom earlier and she was okay with it.”

“If you say so. Just stay out of trouble,” I mumble and she just rolls her eyes and walks out the door closing it behind her.

Leaning my head against the couch cushion, I look around the house and take in the mess. There are soda cans, candy wrappers and dishes sitting around my once spotless apartment. I hate a messy place. It drives me mad. It’s only been a few days and already this house looks like crap.

I stand up and start on the mess. Might as well before it gets too bad. Plus, it would help to keep my mind busy until I have to leave for work.

An hour later, I am out the door and headed to the bar. I’m so deep in thought, I don’t even realize until I get there, that it’s Kade’s night to work. He gives me a hard look as soon as I walk through the door and I instantly regret coming in.

Just great…this ought to be fun.