Begin Again (Beautiful 2)

“I can’t believe you!” she shrieked. A saw a tear slip down her cheek and I waited for the pang of guilt or remorse to hit. It didn’t. Sienna was just playing the game, even though I was throwing in the proverbial towel. If I was going to get my life back on track, I had to start somewhere.

“Believe me, sweetheart. It’s over.”

“Then so is your job,” she replied looking smug. This wasn’t the first time she’d threatened me. I knew as well as she did that fraternizing amongst co-workers was strictly against company policy, so our relationship remained somewhat of a secret. I think her father had his suspicions, but if he did, he never mentioned it either.

“Doesn’t matter. I’ve set up a meeting with your father tomorrow and I have my letter of resignation ready. I’ll give my notice and be out by the end of the month.”

“You’re leaving?” Sienna sounded surprised. Ironic, considering she’d probably seen it coming.

I ignored her question. “I’m going to head out for a while. I think it will be best if you’re gone by the time I get back.”

Without giving her time to respond, I walked back into my living room and it dawned on me just how suddenly out of place I felt. I didn’t belong here, and I was starting to realize I never had. That was the beauty of hindsight. It smacked you upside the head when it was almost too late to right your wrongs. I tucked my hands into my pockets and decided to walk to the bar a few blocks away. I could use a drink…or six.

WHEN I ARRIVED back at my apartment a few hours later, it was well close to midnight and I was glad to find it empty. I didn’t bother switching the lights on as I took out a bottle of whiskey and sat down on my sofa. I poured some of the amber liquid into a tumbler, not bothering with ice, and took a large gulp, savoring the burn. Something in me toyed with the desire to call Demi, but I fought it tooth and nail. It was too soon. I had too much to work through before I considered speaking to her again. I needed to forgive myself for the mistakes I made a year ago, and then I could work on forgiving Demi for keeping such a life changing secret from me. I needed time to grieve a loss I’d only just experienced, even if it happened eight months ago, and then I needed a plan. Either way, Demi was part of that plan, and in the end, I couldn’t picture my life, present or future, without her.

I walked into Dr. Hansen’s office, and she smiled at me from behind her large Mahogany desk. She was a beautiful woman with honey blonde hair tied up in a bun at the base of her neck. Behind the dark from her glasses sat light blue eyes that were as kind as they were stern. She might not have known it, but I owed her my life.

“Demi, please, come in. Make yourself comfortable.”

It had been two months since Huntley and Grayson’s wedding, and two months since I’d seen or heard from Brody. After everything that happened the last time I saw him, I’d decided it was time to take back control of my life, and my emotions. That’s why I’d been back to Dr. Hansen. She was the psychologist I started seeing after the grief of losing the baby became too much, and I wasn’t afraid to admit that I needed her help again. For the last three weeks I’d been seeing her twice a week. Until now we’d almost skirted around that last day I had with Brody but I had a feeling I’d be facing it today.

“So, how are you?” Dr. Hansen asked. She took a seat on the sofa opposite me and started writing on her notepad. I often joked that she could write an entire book based on the notes she’d made during my previous sessions, but she reassured me that there was always someone else going through something much worse. It was her way of saying that feeling sorry for myself wouldn’t benefit me. So I’d listened.

“I’m okay,” I replied, “just tired.”

“Have you been sleeping?” she asked, not looking up yet.

“Not much. I’ve been trying to sleep without using any medication, but its difficult. I can’t sleep without dreaming about…”

“Brody,” she finished for me. “And your baby.”

I nodded my head and swallowed. “Yes.”

Dr. Hansen looked up and met my apprehensive gaze. She knew this was hard for me to talk about, but she’d keep pushing until I’d laid it all out there. I hated it, and it tore me up every time, but I knew that it was a necessary evil.

“Have you thought about the possibility that your dreams are your subconscious’ way of saying that you haven’t been able to truly let go of your trauma and forgive Brody for what he did?”

“I don’t know,” I replied honestly. “I thought I’d let it go but then Brody showed up and I was knocked right back to square one.”

“Have you spoken to Brody since you told him about the baby?” Dr. Hansen asked, scribbling more notes. I fiddled with my fingers in my lap.

“No.”

“Don’t you think it’s time you did?”

I sighed. “I don’t know. I’m scared to speak to him, I guess.”

Dr. Hansen looked up at me again and I knew I wasn’t going like what she was going to say.

“It will making moving on with your life harder if you don’t talk to him. You need closure, something you didn’t have before because until now, Brody hasn’t really featured. I want you to ask yourself, and you don’t have to answer me right away. Have you forgiven him for what he did?”

I knew the answer, so I replied, “I know I haven’t, but I also feel guilty because it wasn’t entirely his fault that I was alone when the baby died. He chose to leave, but I chose to keep it from him.”

“That’s a very accurate and mature observation, Demi. I also want you to think about this: how can you forgive him when you haven’t forgiven yourself? Your baby’s death wasn’t your fault, and it wasn’t Brody’s. It was a very unfortunate turn of events that neither you or Brody could change, even if he hadn’t left you.”

I looked down at my intertwined fingers, unable to say anything for the moment. The truth was, I did blame myself for losing our baby. It’s impossible to describe what it’s like when you lose a child when you’re a woman. Our bodies are made to bare children, grow them, and give them life. But for some reason I failed. Or at least it felt that way.

“Demi? Are you alright?”

I looked up at Dr. Hansen’s concerned face and realized that I’d zoned out in the middle of our session.

“Yes, sorry,” I replied. “What did you say?”

“I asked if you’ve taken the time to forgive yourself and considered taking the time to think about where you want to go from here?”

I looked out the window overlooking lush green grass, observing the way the sun seemed to brighten the world outside.

“I just want to be happy again,” I replied simply. “I want to close my eyes at night and not worry about whether or not I’m going to have the same recurring nightmare again. I want to live my life without the weight of everything hanging over my head like a dark cloud.”

“Does Brody feature into that?”

“I’ve thought about it, but I don’t know how we can move forward after all of this stuff. I’d be surprised if he ever spoke to me again, if I’m being honest.”