Funny how quickly that broke my resolve. What the fuck made him so nervous? And why did that make me nervous, too? He better not be fucking leaving. Who knew what else Nicky had hooked him up with. Friends? A better uncle?
I winced.
All right, bring on the drinks.
My mouth watered, and the two first sips went down smoothly, spreading warmth on the way down.
"What's with the porn?" I unbuttoned the top button of my shirt and got comfortable on the couch. "Doesn't really seem like your taste."
"You don't know my taste."
I chuckled and chugged more of my drink. "You're into S&M?"
Two women were being brutally topped by a guy in leather. He wielded one hell of a whip and made the girls sob before they crawled to suck his cock.
Julian appeared transfixed, and it didn't add up.
One glance at his crotch told me it didn't have a physical reaction on him.
Fuck.
I tore away and drained my glass.
"I've never done that," Julian said quietly.
I frowned. "Done what?"
"Given oral. I've received, been fucked, and topped, but never given oral."
And so the gay cat was out of the bag.
It struck me pretty fast he didn't know what he'd confessed, though.
My second drink went down in one go. I had a feeling I'd need it if sex was the topic. I poured a third, and then Julian extended a joint to me.
It'd been years…
Even in the City of Weed, it wasn't too common in my circles.
I accepted the joint and took a small puff, testing the potency. He hadn't blended it with a lot of tobacco, and it was some quality shit. Sweet, strong. Immediate effect.
Fuck…yeah…
I leaned back, closed my eyes, and took another drag. This was better than alcohol. My age had gotten in the way of fun. Back in the day, I smoked a lot of weed, but then I'd grown up.
"How are you feeling?" he asked.
"Better than I have in a couple weeks," I admitted. Cracking one eye open, I found him watching me. "This ain't becoming a fucking habit."
He grinned, his eyes a little glazed.
I liked seeing him happy.
The shadows under his eyes were back, though. My damn fault. I closed my eyes again and took a pull from the joint, and I held it. I held it until troubles faded and my nightmare was plain desire.
"Nicky asked me out."
Of course he did. Julian was a good-looking guy.
I turned to him, and yeah, he really did look good. I hadn't paid attention to his appearance before. Not a lot, anyway.
I took a final drag before leaning forward to put it out. "What did you say to him?"
"That…that I'd think about it."
I side-eyed him. No more bullshit. "Why have you been hiding that you're gay?"
Despite being high as a kite and halfway to Drunkville, he looked worried and ashamed. "Can we talk about that another time? I'm feeling all right for the first time in ages."
Fair enough.
I wanted to know eventually, though.
"I'll be right back," I said. I wanted to change into sweats and a T-shirt, and I needed to clear my head.
Julian returned to watching porn, and I escaped to my room. But nothing worked. The images from the dreams I'd had about him were back, and now there was nothing repulsive about them.
I washed my face and stared at my reflection.
Dating Nicky… Yeah. A guy his age. It was perfect. But fuck it if it didn't irritate me. I missed Julian. I wanted just a little bit more—a bit closer. As if squeezing him to me could bring relief. It was fucked, but it was how I felt.
"I'm screwed," I muttered to myself. I stripped down, took a leak, and then I turned on the shower. If I didn't sober up, I'd go too far, and I needed to let this go. Maybe find a woman. Someone I could fuck, hold, and take comfort from. It didn't sit well with me, but it seemed like that was the best option.
Except…not.
I showered quickly, the water cold, and it worked a little. Unfortunately, my thoughts were as fucked as ever. Sobriety didn't change the fact that I ached to get the aforementioned comfort from Julian. Whichever woman I put in that position would be a replacement.
As I yanked on a pair of sweats, I warred with myself. I'd become a masochist for it. Logic told me space was good. Logic told me I was just deprived of touch, and my desires would change if I got what I needed elsewhere. But my heart didn't agree. Julian wasn't a mere convenience.
Lastly, my body… What my body ached for was fucking obvious, and for better or worse, I had a past of listening to it. Even when I shouldn’t. Perhaps especially then.
I threw the towel in the laundry basket and left my room.
Julian was still on the couch watching porn, but the movie was new, and I couldn’t say he didn't have a physical reaction anymore. He was leaning forward and shielding his crotch, and his face was flushed. He couldn’t look away from the two dudes fucking on the screen. Well, he did glance over at me once, making me question my choice not to wear a shirt.