Clearing my throat, I leaned forward a bit and tapped my foot restlessly.
Kendall waited. Patiently staring.
"What?" I furrowed my brow.
She raised one. "Surely you can say more than that."
"I don't know what you want me to say." I got a bit defensive. I leaned back once more and folded my arms over my chest. "What I said is true. He's busy. If he's not working, he's out with his boyfriend or playing."
He didn't touch the baby grand, though. He'd bought a used keyboard that he kept in his room. I still heard him, but it came with the door closed now.
I didn't know how two guys managed to stay close and yet be a world apart, but we were kings at it. Talk was easy, there were no issues, sometimes we watched a movie together at home, we met up with Tennyson and Sophie for dinner often enough, and we showed interest in each other's passions—music and film. Still, there was something missing.
But I could be reading too much into it. During the day, he ran errands for some big shot at Variety. Long hours, hardly any pay. During the weekends, he went out with Nicky and other friends he'd made at work. Combined with the hours I worked…no fucking surprise it was like something was missing.
"Noah." The doc clasped her hands on the desk. "I'm fully aware it's a sensitive topic for you, but we shouldn’t skirt around it."
I clenched my jaw.
Don't ask.
She went on. "Are you still attracted to him?"
Narrowing my eyes, I saw my loophole. I was glad she'd phrased herself that way. "He's a good-looking guy. Attraction doesn’t mean anything."
I'd had maybe…one or two months where I thought I was done obsessing. It had been a huge relief. Then, slowly but surely, a longing had begun growing inside me. It was one of the reasons I'd agreed to the doc's suggestion about the date with Summer.
"Mmhmm, I'm sure." She made a note, and I was officially irritated. "Don't worry, I'll leave it there." Then she glanced up again, her expression softening. "You're approaching the one-year anniversary of your family's death."
"I'm aware," I drawled.
I was lucky the anniversary coincided with the week we were off to Paris. I hoped to be so busy with work that I missed the date.
Doc inclined her head. "That is why I would suggest we have at least one more session after today. I think you're doing well with moving forward, but anniversaries can be difficult."
There was no way I wanted to go, but I had someone else to consider, too. Depending on how Julian took that day, it could be useful to have someone to ask for advice and whatever.
"All right, one more session," I conceded. "I'll call in and make an appointment."
She didn't seem satisfied with that, maybe wondering if I'd really do it, but she didn't push. For which I was glad.
"I hope you will, but in the event that you don't…" She took on a gentle expression and smiled patiently. "Noah, over the past few months, you've told me a lot about your family. They seemed like wonderful people, and I think they'd want you to be happy. Every family has arguments and bridges to cross, but what it comes down to in the end is happiness. However and wherever they find it."
I nodded, agreeing. "I keep telling Julian that. He struggles sometimes because James had hopes he'd go another direction than music. But I knew James. He was just protective." I paused. "At least Julian's open about his sexuality now. That’s good. I hope he'll tell his grandparents soon."
The doc pursed her lips then grinned a little. "You care about Julian a lot."
"Well, yeah." I frowned.
"I'm only putting it out there. He's often the first person you have in mind. I wasn't talking about him in this case, however. I was talking about you. Your family's approval never seemed to be everything to you, but it certainly mattered." She waited for me to object, but she was right. "So please keep that in mind when it's about your happiness. Your family would have wanted it for you."
"All right…" I didn't do well with hints, and I had no time to decipher anything. My phone was going off, and I had been away from the set too long. "Yeah, sure, of course." I quickly scanned the text from my DP, seeing a series of photos for the next scene. It was a new set, and I'd asked for pictures of lighting positions before I returned, though the lighting for the rehearsal wasn’t my issue. "Listen, Doc—"
"I get it, Mr. Workaholic." She nodded and held out a hand toward the door. "Class dismissed, I suppose."
I chuckled and stood up, already calling my DP. "I'll get back to you. Have a good one." I left the office and headed down the hall toward the exit, and I couldn’t say I was pleased with the photos. I'd kinda fallen for April, Sophie's character, and I wanted to do her justice.