Good sign, he hoped.
“That would be a fantastic gift, knucklehead.”
Oh, thank fuck.
Gray exhaled in relief and loosened his grip on the wheel.
“I’ve looked at some of those nurseries before, though,” Darius went on. “They’re not cheap.”
“Well, that’s another topic I broached with her yesterday,” Gray said. “I wanna start working again, but since apple trees need to be transplanted early… I forget what she said, something about frost. Either way, I’ll be able to pay her back for the gift soon. She needs more permanent staff at the inn, and it’s a job I don’t need training for. I grew up there.”
He was getting ready; he could feel it. Being solid with Darius was a big motivator. Gray wanted to pitch in and be able to catch up. And things had changed at the inn. Back when Gray first needed a job, Mom couldn’t afford to give him more than a couple shifts every week. That was why he’d taken that other job at the bookstore.
Mom was on the fence even now, though for other reasons than money. Gray had lost count of how many times she had urged him to take things slowly, but there was such a thing as too slow.
“Is that what you want to do?” Darius asked. “Not go back to school?”
Gray shook his head. “Not in the near future, anyway. In a few years? Maybe. But my priorities are different. I gotta think about Jayden, and, to be honest, I just want things settled. I want him close to me, I want a paycheck every month, and I wanna come home to you at the end of the day.”
Darius hummed. Then he stowed away their empty coffee mugs and pushed down the armrest between them. “Couple things we should talk about there.” He rested his hand on the armrest, palm open. A silent hint.
Gray threaded their fingers together. “I’m listening.”
“Given how vocal I’ve been about never wanting a wife and kids, I’ll spell this out for you. Shit has changed for me too, Gray. You won’t be in this alone. With him, I mean.”
Oh God, no, stop. Gray felt the strongest urge to shrink away and escape the conversation. He withdrew his hand again. “Can we save this topic for later? It’s too soon. It doesn’t feel right.” In fact, it put a rock of discomfort in his gut. “We’ve never even been on a first date, and we’re talking about sacrifices and responsibilities. I get that everything is completely fucking backward, so let’s not make it worse.”
Darius straightened in his seat and grew serious. “To make things worse, it has to be bad already. Are they?”
“No! Not like—fuck.” Gray released a breath, frustrated, and rubbed his forehead. He didn’t know how to explain himself, and he’d been avoiding thinking about it. He just had this feeling. Like an alarm bell going off inside him, telling him not to go too far. “The way I feel about you—I haven’t… Shit.” Great, now he could barely form words. “I don’t wanna mess things up by going too fast.” That was better. “Nothing in our lives is normal anymore, and there’s…there’s a sense of loss in me.” He felt it stirring in his heart as he, for the first time, gave a voice to the feeling. “I haven’t been able to mourn losing the guy I was. I went from… I mean, my biggest issues last year involved pining after a closeted hockey coach and whether or not I’d be able to afford going up to visit Abel in Vancouver. My problems were so goddamn simple.”
As the grief washed over him, he felt the levees break.
And the words tumbled out of him, without regard for how they made him sound. “In retrospect, I see what a kid I’ve been. My mom busted her ass so I wouldn’t have to, and it made me spoiled. I get that. I know how to pull my weight, but not really. I worked part time at her inn and at a bookstore. I went to school. I still took my fucking bike to the beach. I didn’t restore an old truck like my brother did—I just borrowed his when he moved to Seattle. I had hockey, I dicked around with the twins…” It blew his mind how fast his spirit could crash to the ground. “I never saw myself as spoiled before. Single mom, four boys—we lived on a tight budget. And my best friend lived in a millionaire’s estate. His dad is a former rock star, for fuck’s sake. We snuck on to his yacht to get away from parents and homework.”
Was this a bad time to have life-altering revelations or what?
“I had it easy,” he went on quietly. “I remember you telling me that the human traffickers specifically requested guys with wholesome backgrounds. And that it was part of the sadistic thrill, because we don’t cope as well when everything gets taken away from us.” How fucking true that turned out to be. “I know I sound selfish and juvenile, but I feel robbed of a lot of things I’d hoped for in the future. Simple shit, like maybe meeting you under normal circumstances. Developing a silly crush, flirting with you while you stand behind the bar at your restaurant, calling Abel in the middle of the night because I can’t stop thinking about you.” Gray blinked past the burn in his eyes and took the next exit. He needed to stretch his legs and get some air. “And then Jayden came into my life. I didn’t stand a motherfucking chance against that punk. Instead of contacting an adoption agency in a couple years, maybe after I graduated from college, he was like, ‘Here I am, good luck resisting the charms of Philly’s own Oliver Twist.’”