Ouch. Yeah ... just ouch.
"Whatever. I'll be out there." He got up and left quick.
In the equipment room he grabbed a bottle of Aquafina from the cooler, then stretched out on one of the benches. As he cracked the cap he was dimly aware of Wrath and Rhage coming over and saying something to him, but he wasn't tracking.
That he wanted Jane to care about him drove him nuts. That he was hurt when she didn't was even more of an ego f**k.
He closed his eyes and tried to be logical. He hadn't slept in weeks. He'd been plagued by that nightmare. He'd almost died.
He'd met his frickin' mommy.
V sucked back most of the water. He was beyond off-kilter, and that had to be why he was catching feelings. It really wasn't about Jane. It was situational. His life was a fruit salad of f**k-mes, and that was the reason he was getting chicky about her. Because sure as shit she was giving him nothing to go on. She treated him as a patient and as a scientific curiosity. And that orgasm he'd almost given her? He was damn sure that if she'd been wide-awake it never would have happened: Those images she'd had of him were a woman's fantasy about being with a dangerous monster. They were not about her wanting him in real life.
"Hey."
V opened his eyes and looked up at Butch. "Hey." The cop shoved V's feet aside and sat down on the bench. "Man, she did a bang-up job with Phury, didn't she?"
"Yeah." V glanced at the open door to the PT suite. "What's she doing in there?"
"Going through all the cabinets. Said she wanted to know what the inventory was, but I really think she's just hanging around Phury and trying to be casual about it."
"She doesn't have to watch him all the time," V muttered.
As the sentence flew out of his mouth, he couldn't believe he was jealous of his injured brother. "What I mean is - "
"Nah. Don't worry. I gotchu."
As Butch started to crack his knuckles, V cursed in his head and thought about leaving. Those popping sounds tended to be the prelude to Meaningful Conversation. "What."
Butch flexed his arms, his Gucci button-down stretching tight over his shoulders. "Nada. Well, other than... I do want you to know that I approve."
"Of what?"
"Her. You and her." Butch glanced over, then looked away. "It's a good combo."
In the silence that followed, V traced the profile of his best friend, from the dark hair that fell over a smart forehead to the busted nose to the jutting jaw. For the first time in quite a while he didn't crave Butch. Which should have been classed as an improvement. Instead, he felt worse for a different reason.
"There is no her and me, buddy."
"Bullshit. I saw it right after you healed me. And the connected's getting stronger by the hour."
"Nothing's doing. I'm popping the solid-gold truth to you."
"Okay, well... how's that water feeling?"
"Excuse me?"
"The Nile warm this time of year?"
As V ignored the jab, he found himself focusing on Butch's lips. In a very quiet voice, he said, "You know... I totally wanted to have sex with you."
"I know." Butch's head twisted around, and their eyes met. "Past tense now, huh."
"Think so. Yeah."
Butch nodded toward the PT suite's open door. "Because of her."
"Maybe." V looked across the equipment room and caught sight of Jane as she rifled through a cabinet. His body's response as she bent at the waist was immediate, and he had to shift his hips to keep the head of his erection from being squeezed like an orange. As the pain ebbed, he thought about what he'd felt toward his roommate. "Have to say, I was surprised you were so cool with it. Thought it would creep you out or some shit."
"Can't help how you feel." Butch stared down at his hands, checking the nails. The clasp on his Piaget. The placement of his platinum cuff link. "Besides..."
"What?"
The cop shook his head. "Nothing."
"Say it."
"Nope." Butch stood up and stretched, his big body arching. "I'm going to head back to the Pit - "
"You wanted me. Maybe just a little."
Butch settled back on his spine, his arms falling to his sides, his head dropping into place. He frowned, his face crinkling up. "I'm not g*y, though."
V dropped his jaw like a quarter and bobble-headed it. "No, really? That's such a shocker. I was sure all that I'm-a-good-Irish-Catholic-boy-from-Southie shit was a front."
Butch flipped the bird. "Whatever. And I'm down with homosexuals. Far as I'm concerned people should f**k whoever they want in whatever way gets them off as long as everyone involved is over eighteen and no one gets hurt. I just happen to dig the females."
"Relax. I'm only jerking you."
"You'd better be. You know I'm not a 'phobe."
"Yeah, I know."
"So are you?"
"A 'phobe?"
"Gay or bi."
As V exhaled, he wished it was because he had a cigarette between his lips, and on reflex he patted his pocket, comforted by the fact that he'd brought some handrolls with him.
"Look, V, I know you do females, but the way you do them is only the leather-and-wax road. Is it different between you and guys?"
V stroked his goatee with his gloved hand. He'd always felt like there was nothing he and Butch couldn't say to each other. But this... this was hard. Mostly because he didn't want anything to change between them and had always feared that if his sexual endeavors were discussed too openly it would get weird. Truth was, Butch was a hetero by nature, not just background. And if he'd felt a little something different here or there for V? It was an aberration that probably made him uncomfortable.
V rolled the Aquafina bottle between his palms. "How long have you wanted to ask me the question? About the g*y thing."
"For a while."
"Afraid of what I'd say?"
"Nope, because it doesn't matter to me one way or the other. I'm tight with you whether you like males or females or both."
V looked into his best friend's eyes and realized... yeah, Butch wasn't going to judge him. They were cool no matter what.
With a curse, V rubbed the center of his chest and blinked. He never cried but he felt as if he could at this moment.
Butch nodded as if he knew exactly what was doing. "Like I said, my man, it's whatever. You and me? Same as always, no matter who you screw. Although... if you're into sheep, that would be tough. Don't know if I could handle that."
V had to smile. "I don't do farm animals."
"Can't stand hay in your leathers?"
"Or wool in my teeth."
"Ah." Butch looked back over. "So what's the answer, V?"
"What do you think it is?"
"I think you've done males."
"Yeah. I have."
"But I'm guessing..." Butch wagged his finger. "I'm guessing you don't like them any more than the females you Dom. Both sexes are irrelevant to you in the long run because you've never really cared about anyone. Except for me. And... your surgeon."
V dropped his eyes, hating that he was so transparent, but not really surprised by the thin-veil routine he was sporting. He and Butch were like that. No secrets. And in that vein... "I probably should tell you something, cop."
"What?"
"I raped a male once."
Man, you could have heard crickets chirping for the silence.
After a while Butch sank back down on the bench. "You did?"
"Back in the warrior camp, if you beat someone while sparring, you f**ked them in front of the rest of the soldiers. And I won the first fight I was in after my transition. The male... I guess he'd consented in a way. I mean, he submitted, but it wasn't right. I... yeah, I didn't want to do it to him, but I didn't stop." V took out a cigarette from his pocket and stared down at the thin white roll. "It was right before I left the camp. Right before... other things happened to me."
"Was that your first time?"
V took out his lighter but didn't strik up a flame. "Helluva way to start, huh."
"Jesus..."
"Anyway, after I was out in the world for a while, I experimented with a lot of shit. I was really angry and... yeah, just totally pissed off." He looked over at Butch. "There's not much I haven't done, cop. And most of it's been hard-core, if you feel me. There's always been consent, but it was - it still is - on the rails." V laughed tightly. "As well as curiously forgettable."