Every Sweet Regret (Orchid Valley 2)

She licks her lips. “I have to study. I’m sorry.”

Something in my chest sinks, but I shrug. Casual. “Just tell me when.”

“Sure thing.” She backs toward the door, that carefree smile I saw after we kissed gone, replaced by something more cautious.

“You okay? Are we okay?”

“I’m fine. Just late.” She winks at me then calls over her shoulder, “We’ll talk later.”Chapter TenStellaI can’t decide if I’m the world’s biggest coward or if I actually made a smart decision for the first time in my life. I could be at Kace’s house right now. Naked, with his head between my legs, or maybe in his shower with my breasts pressed to the tile and his hard chest against my back. Or curled up together on the couch . . .

So many possibilities. An opportunity to fulfill years of fantasies. And I said no.

“I want this, but I don’t want you to end up hurt.”

Kace isn’t looking for a happily-ever-after. He wants one thing from me . . . and has been honest about that from the start. But when Kace said he didn’t want me hurt, it made me realize there’s no other destination for me when it comes to him. If I let myself enjoy him for as long as that lasts, it’ll break me when it ends. If he tells me he can’t do serious and then gives some other woman that chance, it’ll shatter me. And I know he will. Eventually, he’ll let someone in his heart and life again. But if I shut this down now, I’ll always ache with the what-ifs.

There’s no win here for me. Just a bunch of different roads that lead to the same broken heart. A little voice inside my head says maybe, just maybe, if I take what he’s giving, he’ll eventually see me as more than the party girl who’s only good for a fling. Maybe he’s already seeing more of me, and maybe I could be the one he opens his heart to. That’s dangerous thinking. And yet . . .

I pull up the Random app on my phone and stare at his profile picture for a long time. Maybe I have a way to make him see me.

I click into the messaging feature and decide to shower him with honesty.

ItsyBitsy123: I could be in bed with the hottest guy I know right now, but I decided to spend my night alone instead. All because I don’t trust myself not to catch feelings. Am I crazy?I wish this app would let you know when someone has read your messages, but the only way you ever know is if they reply. I’m highly suspicious that the person behind this design feature didn’t want any accountability. I’m also highly suspicious it was a man.

When there’s no reply after a few minutes, I pull out my textbooks and a notepad and start reading. Surprisingly, I actually like anatomy and physiology. It makes sense to me and is interesting. But chem? Not so much. I get through my A&P homework first and am slowly working my way through another chemistry chapter when my phone buzzes with a Random notification.

GoodHands69: Sorry about the delay. I was linking my account to my computer. My friends would laugh and call me an old man if they heard me say this, but sometimes messaging on a phone is frustrating for me. I have no patience for how long it takes to type anything of substance. Luckily, it turns out you can log on to Random from a computer and it’ll let you message from here. In case you’re like me and ever want the ease of a keyboard.

GoodHands69: To answer your question . . . no, I don’t think you’re crazy at all. You need to know yourself. Are you the kind of person who can explore physical attraction without the emotional stuff coming along for a ride?I grab my laptop and look up Random. Sure enough, they have an actual website. It’s pretty basic, and it makes the rudimentary app look high-tech, but when I log in, I can click on Kace’s avatar and access the messaging function.

ItsyBitsy123: Thank you so much for the computer tip. No joke, this is way easier.

ItsyBitsy123: As for whether or not I can handle a physical relationship, I thought I could, but maybe I’ve been lying to myself. My emotions always get tangled up with the physical, and it’s not fair to wish that went both ways.

GoodHands69: You should give yourself some credit. You’re pretty awesome, and I’m sure this guy’s at risk of catching feelings too.My stomach is suddenly occupied by riotous butterflies, and I reread the message three more times. I can’t decide if he’s just being nice or if he means it, that this is more than just sex to him too. I want to be mature about this—tell him all my feelings and my fears, and ask him to dig in a little more to his—but the truth is I never believed I’d get a shot with Kace. Now that I have it, I’m scared to lose it.