Every Sweet Regret (Orchid Valley 2)

Bobby’s buddy knew my ex somehow and was told about the videos. So he tracked them down and felt it was his duty to let his friend know he was dating a—and I quote—“cheap porno slut.”

Bobby was mortified. He was angry I hadn’t told him. But you know what made him even angrier? I’d done these videos but hadn’t once given it up to him in the months we’d been together. As if one had anything to do with the other. As if my mistake meant he should’ve been entitled to unlimited pussy from the beginning.

Anyway . . . it was ugly, with lots of tears and accusations, and Bobby called a cab to take me to the airport. Told me to have my stuff out of his apartment before he got home. Said he was looking for a life with a nice girl, and I was just a deceitful bitch. He told me he’d rather live alone the rest of his life than let a whore like me raise his children.

I think that’s the part that hurt the most. Because Bobby was one of the few guys I’ve ever been with who actually talked about a future with kids with me. I want kids. I want to be a mom someday, but before Bobby, no one believed I was mother material. And once he got that link, he didn’t either.

I probably should’ve told him sooner. The truth is, I may have consented to those videos, but I never would’ve agreed to share them with the world. And now they’re floating out there, and there’s nothing I can do to get rid of them.

Luckily for me, there’s a lot of cheap homemade porn on the internet, and my stuff isn’t particularly special. But it’s there, and that’s bad enough.

I know this thing between us is nowhere near the point where you’re wondering if I’m “mother material,” but every time I catch myself hoping this could go somewhere, I remember those damn videos and I imagine the look on your face if you ever accidentally stumbled upon them.

I wanted you to hear it from me.My phone is quiet for too long after I press send. My stomach’s in my throat, and my hands tremble. This is definitely not what he had in mind when he said he’d listen. He probably expected something along the lines of I always wanted to be an artist. Instead, he got my baggage. Why do I always have to dive in headfirst?

When my phone buzzes to alert me to his reply, I almost don’t want to look. Of course, I do.

GoodHands69: I am so sorry. I can’t wrap my brain around a guy treating a woman like that. Posting those videos was a violation, and Bobby treating you like that when he found out was unnecessarily cruel. You deserved better.The screen blurs, and hot tears streak across my cheeks at those final three words: You deserved better. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell myself, but after a series of mistakes and bad relationships, I started to wonder if maybe I didn’t deserve better. Coming from Kace, I can almost believe it.

ItsyBitsy123: Thank you. It means a lot.

GoodHands69: What’d you do? After Bobby called you a cab, I mean. I assume you moved out, but . . .

ItsyBitsy123: I was so embarrassed. I thought this guy loved me, but obviously not enough. I didn’t want to go home and have everyone ask why I left early. So I had the cab take me to this run-down little motel across the street from the beach. I stayed there for a few nights, then caught an early flight home so I could move out of his place.

GoodHands69: Good for you. I’m so sorry that happened.

ItsyBitsy123: Don’t tell anyone, okay? It’s just more evidence that I have shitty judgment in general, and I’d be so embarrassed if everyone knew those videos are out there.

GoodHands69: I can keep a secret.My heart is in my throat. It’s done. He knows. I don’t know if I would’ve had the courage to tell him any way but through this computer, but without seeing him in front of me, it’s impossible to gauge his reaction. I’ll have to see him in person before I can truly believe this doesn’t change how he feels about me.

GoodHands69: I don’t know a single person who hasn’t made a mistake. Don’t beat yourself up for being human.Gratitude and fondness and relief all tangle together in my chest.

ItsyBitsy123: If you didn’t have Hope tonight, I’d be over there right now climbing you like a tree.Chapter NineteenStellaMoving day comes, and Kace is the first to arrive. He pulls into Mom’s driveway before seven. I meet him at the door, but he doesn’t stop walking—just grabs my hand and heads straight to my bedroom, kicking the door shut behind him before pressing me against it and kissing me hard. His hands are all over me, as if he’s trying to touch everywhere at once and can’t get enough, and his mouth is relentless. He kisses me like he’s dying and I’m the only thing that can save him.