Every Sweet Regret (Orchid Valley 2)

As if I’ve ever been able to resist giving Kace Matthews exactly what he wants. “I’m listening.”

He pulls in a deep breath. “When you were seventeen and crawled into my bed, I wanted to touch you. You were so beautiful. And I wasn’t oblivious. I knew you were special. You always made me laugh. I never took myself quite so seriously when you were around, and if anyone needed that, it was me. But I wasn’t ready for what part of me already understood you deserved. I couldn’t give you one night because I already knew that when we got together, we’d need more than that.”

He lifts a hand, arm extended, and I think he’s going to touch me. Then he drops it. “If you crawled into my bed now, I’d recognize it as the beginning of something. I’d kiss you because I’m dying to taste you again, but also because I’d see that kiss as something we could build on.”

How can a hollow chest ache? I didn’t think there was anything left in there anymore, but his words are washing away the numbness.

He takes a breath and lets it out. “When you visited after you started college and you teased and flirted with me?” He laughs. “Actually, some of your suggestions were more propositioning than flirting, and I wanted to take you up on your offers. So badly. But I wasn’t ready. I couldn’t understand that the way you made me feel lighter could be part of something real between us. And then there was Amy, and I’ll always be grateful for my marriage and my daughter. Amy taught me what I do and don’t want in a partner. And my daughter taught me the most beautiful things in our lives can indeed get better with time.”

“Kace,” I whisper.

“And then you were there again. And I should’ve been ready. You were more beautiful than ever, and despite being an idiot who believed all the lies he’d been told about what you’d done at Allegiance, I still knew you were special. But I wasn’t ready. I believed the only explanation for my divorce was a failure on my part, and I didn’t want to fail again. Watching Amy walk away was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I think I already knew it wouldn’t compare to the pain of losing you.”

My internal organs feel like they’re rearranging themselves. My stomach is where my lungs should be, and my lungs are all twisted up with the shattered bits of my heart that have been festering low in my stomach. “Then why . . .?”

“I’ve never been able to separate the physical from the emotional, and that was no different with you.” He shakes his head. His eyes are bloodshot, his cheeks pale. “I still wasn’t ready when I fell in love with you.”

Actually hearing those words makes the floor fly out from under me, and I have to brace myself on the wall and bite back a sob.

“I knew I wanted you and I thought about you all the time. I knew I’d make up excuses to be in the same room as you, but I wasn’t prepared for anything bigger than I’ve ever felt before. If Amy held a knife to my heart, what I feel for you is a grenade. It’s too big. You could destroy me. But I don’t even care if you pull the pin, because the alternative? Letting you walk away just because I’m scared?” He steps into the apartment, puts the flowers and DVD down on the table in the foyer, and stands before me, palms up. “It’s not even an option. And I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to get here, but Stella, I am ready for whatever you can offer me, whenever you can offer it. It doesn’t have to be today or next week, because I know I fucked up, but if you’ll give me another chance, I promise you I’ll do everything in my power to remind you how much I love you every single day. I’m ready whenever you are.”

“Kace, those videos . . .”

He brushes a stray curl from my face and tucks it behind my ear. “Someday, when she’s older, you’re going to be the perfect person to explain to my daughter why she shouldn’t let idiot boys have intimate pictures or videos of her.” He takes my hand and brings it to his mouth, kissing it hard. “I’m sorry I ever made you believe a mistake like that meant you weren’t worthy of me. I love you, Stella Elaine Jacob. Give me a chance.”

“I love you too, but . . .”

“But what?” he whispers, not angry, just . . . hopeful.

Hot tears roll down my cheeks, and I want to throw myself into his arms, but I’m afraid he still doesn’t understand just how imperfect I am. “I’m a mess.”