"Fuck me, you've got a kick on you, Pet."
I launch myself at him again, but this time, he tries to calm me down with soft whispers, his voice just as soothing as his touch. He runs his hands over my hair to make me feel better, but it only makes me angrier. I thought that one snap would be it, but it keeps happening, and I keep breaking, falling apart over and over again.
I'm sobbing, and I collapse on the floor with tears flooding my vision. "Just go, Jasper, just go, please, just let me go."
"No." His answer is firm as he kneels next to me. "I'm making sure you're okay."
I can't stop crying, and I can't stop my instincts either. Unfortunately, my body is convinced Jas is out to hurt me, to abandon me like everyone else, and I start kicking him again, screaming, scratching. My long nails dig into his skin and he curses out loud as I continue my vicious attack.
"Petal, calm down. It's all going to be okay," he tells me in his calmest voice. "I'm here, baby, I'm here." He pulls me against him, flattening my arms against my body and holding me so tight I can barely move a limb. Strangely, feeling restricted like that helps. It means I don't have to worry about protecting myself – Jas has got that part down pat.
"I hate you," I get out through sobs.
"I know you do, Pet, I know you do." We're sitting on the floor, with Jas' back against the door and me shaking and trembling in his arms. "You don't have to hate me, though. But you can if it helps, okay? I'm here to make it better, Petal. See? I'm already making it better."
He's right. I've stopped resisting him, though the sobs are still racking through my body.
"Can you see how I'm helping?" he asks, and I nod. His arms tighten around me in a constricting hug. I don't know how he's doing this, but the cloud slowly seeps away. "Look how much better it feels when you let me help, Petal. Just relax, okay? Sink into this. Let me hold you."
He forces my arms down for the umpteenth time and I let him, a giggle ripping from my lips amid all the sobs. It doesn't escape Jasper's notice, and he kisses the top of my head before gently going on, trying to calm me down.
"That's a good girl, Pet, you're being so good. You're going to start feeling even better now. Almost back to normal. Almost back there. You feel it?"
"I feel i-it," I stutter, my voice painfully hoarse from all the crying.
"Good girl. It was just an anxiety attack. We can deal with those."
The way he says we makes my heart soar, but the memories of the rest of the night are still too sore in my head. I push him away and stumble when I pick myself up. Jas reaches for me, but I shake my head, signaling that I'm fine. He rises to his feet too, keeping a safe distance from me, probably in case I attack him again.
"You're the only one who's ever managed to calm me down after an anxiety attack," I mutter.
"Really? What about your parents?" he wonders out loud.
Instantly, my expression is replaced by a grimace and I motion for him not to go there.
"Sorry, Petal."
"It's fine." I sigh, my voice still broken and my throat sore from the crying. "Jas, I need you to leave."
"I don't want to leave when you're feeling like this."
"I'll be fine," I promise him. "I've dealt with it plenty of times before. Thanks for your help, but I can handle it from here."
"As you wish. I'll see you soon."
"Jas..." He looks at me and I stare at the floor. It's too fucking painful. "It's over."
"What the fuck do you mean?"
"I mean I can't do this anymore." My voice is trembling, and I'm scared of his reaction, but I force myself to go on. "It's over, Jas."
I expect a reaction from him. Anger, jealousy. But there's nothing. He merely smiles and nods before grabbing his clothes off the bed and getting dressed again. I watch him with crossed arms, my heart beating fast as I quickly blurt. "I just want everything to go back to the way it was before."
"Of course," he replies, his voice so calm it cuts through me. "I'll give you what you want, Petal."
I watch in silence as he gets dressed, then walk him to the door. He doesn't say a word as I open it, and he leaves without looking back. He never says goodbye, and I lock the door behind me, wiping off a stray tear.
That's it, then.
Over.
Just the way I wanted it.The next morning, it feels like I have a piece missing.
I go about my morning routine, but my mind is elsewhere. I'm thinking about him. Jasper. I miss him, and it hurts.