The longing.
The sadness and sorrow.
She was me.
THREE
NOAH
I tried to shake her off, but it was no use. I thought about her for most of the evening, and I knew I was headed to the bridge at the same time tomorrow, silently praying and hoping she’d be there. Counting down the hours until I could talk to her, find out her name, and who she was. I wanted to know everything there was to know about her, but more than anything, I wanted to hear her sing again.
Hear her sing for me.
And only me.
I finally shook off the reminiscent thoughts, focusing on yet another attempt to apologize to Luke. After the third time of being blown off, I gave up and went into Pops’ room in the back of the clubhouse. It was the only room I was really allowed to hang out in. Ma tried to set up the private living area as a game room for Luke and me, claiming she wanted us to feel at home and comfortable. Buying us video games and whatever else we were into at the time. We knew she was full of shit, she was just trying to keep us away from the bullshit. Probably praying if we were there, she could be too, keeping a closer eye on the prez and everything he stood for.
“What’s up with you and Luke?” Creed asked, following me into Pops’ room.
“Don’t worry about it,” I replied, sitting on the couch. Turning on the TV to play Mortal Kombat.
He snatched the controller out of my grasp. “Don’t gimme that shit. I saw ya tryin’ to play ball wit’ him out back. Luke don’t turn down basketball. So what’s up? What happened? I’m guessin’ it got somethin’ to do wit’ that shiner and busted lip on your face? Luke knows better than to put his hands on you, yeah?”
“It wasn’t him.”
“Good. Now, tell me who it was so I can return the favor.”
I scoffed in disappointment, shaking my head. If I thought anyone would understand, it would be Creed. He hated being babied and talked down to as much as I did. “The fuck?”
“Noah, watch your mouth.”
“Why? So Pops can knock me out for spittin’ like a pussy.” I learned cusswords before I could even talk. Swearing was a normal way of speaking around these parts. Our father made sure of it, slapping us around if we weren’t cussing.
Creed narrowed his eyes at me, fully aware it was the truth. “He do that to you?”
“Not this time.”
“Noah—”
“What?! You don’t think I can handle myself either? I don’t need you or Luke to protect me!”
“Hey…” He put his hands up in a surrendering gesture. “I’m on your side, no need to come for me. Ya feel me?”
“Yeah.” I nodded.
“This about a girl?’
Our eyes locked.
“Ah.”
“It ain’t like that.”
“It never is, baby brother.” He grinned, leaning forward to place his elbows on his knees. “This the same girl Luke was tellin’ me about earlier?”
“No.” Luke was into some Barbie doll at his school. Big tits with a pair of long legs was all I saw in her.
“Damn. That woulda been some shit. Two brothers fightin’ over the same tail.”
I breathed out a chuckle.
“Your balls dropped earlier than Luke’s. You’ve always been an old soul, though. Don’t surprise me you already wanna get your dick wet. Like I told him earlier, I was your age when I first did, thanks to our old man. Only good thing he ever did for me too,” he chuckled, remembering God knows what. “I know you can fight, but that ain’t gonna stop us from tryin’ to protect you, and that’s just the way it’s gonna be.”
I didn’t say anything, because what could I say to that.
“You know Luke had good intentions.”
“It’s why I’ve been tryin’ to talk to him all night.”
“Give him some time. He’ll be over it by tomorrow.” He stood, making his way toward the door. “Ice that eye, yeah?”
I laughed, “Just can’t help yourself, can ya? You’re worse than Ma.”
“Where do ya think we get it from?” he joked, looking back at me one last time before closing the door behind him.
I went back to playing PlayStation for the rest of the night, avoiding the clubhouse and its usual festivities of booze, drugs, and women. As the night progressed, more and more people started showing up. I could hear them scattering around the hallway like cattle, knocking into walls and laughing at shit that wasn’t even funny. I’m sure the clubhouse was busting at the seams beyond capacity with people, most of which were corrupt. Everyone shooting the shit, dancing, playing pool and darts, and getting messed up on their drug of choice.
I started getting tired just after one in the morning when the party was in full swing. My eyes weighed heavy with each passing second I was awake, my face burned, and my body ached. I felt like shit inside and out. I began dozing off with the controller still in my hands when the door flew open and in walked Luke, looking just as tired as I felt.
“Hey.” I nodded to him, but he ignored me. “Come on, Luke, aren’t ya a little old to be givin’ me the silent treatment?”
“Ain’t got shit to say to you.”
I stood, blocking his way to the bathroom. “Well, I got plenty to say to you.”
“Get out of my face, Noah.”
I cocked my head to the side. “Or what? What are you gonna do, huh? My face is already jacked up thanks to you.”
“Just gonna keep rollin’ wit’ that?”
“It’s the truth, but I shouldn’t have—”
“You’re still givin' me shit when you woulda gotten your ass kicked if it wasn’t for me. Instead, you just got a black eye and a cut lip. Boo fuckin’ hoo, I saved your ass today. As much as you think you had ‘em, all you were doin’ was diggin’ yourself into a deeper hole. If I hadn’t shown up when I did, they were probably gonna land your ass in the hospital, and kickin’ that fool in the face only proves my point more. You crossed the line today comparin’ me to that son of a bitch, but you wanna know what really fuckin’ hurts… you tellin’ me we weren’t brothers no more. Those are fightin’ words! Now get the hell out of my face before you get your ass kicked for the second time today.”
I jerked back, caught off guard. He’d never been this pissed at me before. It was a whole different side of him, and I hated it was directed at me. I was wrong for taking my anger out on him, I knew that. Especially when it had nothing to do with him. I was mostly peeved about the girl, getting caught staring at her like I was some jerk off and then biffing it right in front of her. Followed by her probably watching my ass getting handed to me. It was one thing after another, and I hated not having control.
He stepped back, never taking his eyes off mine as he walked toward the door. “I wanted to crash, but I don’t wanna be around you right now. So thanks for not only ruin’n my day, but for ruin’n my night too.”
“Luke, I’m sor—”
“Save it for someone who gives a damn.” He turned, taking one last menacing look at me. “You know, you’re right, we ain’t brothers because my brother woulda never said that to me.” With that, he turned around and left, slamming the door behind him.
I breathed out a heavy sigh, frustrated as all hell that he wouldn’t even let me explain myself. I resisted the urge to follow him and make his stubborn ass hear me out, regardless of the consequences. If he needed to hit me to feel better, then so be it. We could beat the shit out of each other in front of everyone and go back to being brothers after. It wouldn’t be the first or last time these walls had seen blood. Pops would probably get a kick out of it too, seeing his sons throw down like we’d been raised to do.
Ma and Creed, on the other hand, would be shooting daggers at us, involving themselves by breaking us up, and it would cause more problems than it was worth. So I stayed put, laying down on the couch and staring up at the ceiling. Throwing on some headphones to tune out my thoughts and feelings of being a piece of shit brother.
/>
I hated that Luke was beyond pissed at me, I hated that the girl caught me staring at her, and everything that followed. I just hated how everything went down today, but mostly, I hated that I had no control over it. All I could do was lay there and wait for I don’t know what. Nothing would change, at least not what mattered. My life was jaded and ugly, and all sorts of fucked up. I turned the music higher, drowning myself in the lyrics she was singing today, not in what I was listening to. I closed my eyes, seeing her face.
Thinking about tomorrow.
Everything would be better tomorrow. Luke would get over our fight and what I said to him, I’d see her again, and for the first time in my life, I looked forward to the next day. It was all I had to hold onto.
A few lyrics to a song.
Her voice.
And the thoughts of tomorrow.
I must have dozed off again because the next thing I knew, I jolted awake, shooting straight up on the couch to look around the room. Through the music that was still playing loudly in my ears, I could hear commotion outside the room. Throwing off my headphones, I tried to figure out where it was coming from, dazed and confused. Not fully awake. My hazy eyes quickly darted to the door as fast as my body jumped off the couch, rushing my way toward the screaming coming from the halls.
“What the hell?” I said to myself, swinging the door open. Only to be met with crowds of people running in all directions. “What’s goin’ on?”
No one answered, no one even looked at me as if I wasn’t even standing there.
Was I dreaming?
I didn’t recognize anyone, just their panic-ridden stares. I shook my head, more confused, then started to move, walking in the direction most of them were running from. Pushing my way through the swarms of people. I was still so out of it, exhausted from the day that had me moving on autopilot. My feet stepping left to right and vice versa, my eyes shifting in the same momentum while my mind tried to keep up with what was going on around me.
One step.
Two steps.
Three steps.
Four.
Slower and faster I went, almost being knocked over several times like I was a ghost. Failing miserably at maintaining a steady pace as I tried to find the source of the ruckus. Feeling more disoriented with every passing second, navigating the dark space with only multi-colored lights bouncing off the black walls. Loud music still blaring from the speakers but not loud enough to drown out the screams. It was almost like I was walking through a dream within a dream, knowing that didn’t make any sense. I felt like I was swimming against a current, pushing, shoving, forcing my way through the waves of people.
Till suddenly I heard, “What the fuck did you do, boy?” Pops roared, and I followed the direction of his voice.
“It was an accident! I swear to fuckin’ God it was an accident!” Creed shouted in a desperate tone, barely able to get the words out.
I walked into the room next to the makeshift bar where Pops was standing with Creed right in front of him. Ma was on the floor with her back to me, and I couldn’t see her very well because a few brothers were crowding around her.
“Momma, what’s going on?” I asked, making everyone turn to look at me with wide eyes and terrified expressions marring their faces. My heart sank as I realized there was someone in her arms, and for some reason I instantly let out, “Where did Luke go?” Like my conscience already knew the answer.
Diesel acted fast, scooping me in his arms and rushing me backward into the hallway I had just come from. He held me against the wall to block my view, but I could still see Ma looking over her shoulder as she solely concentrated on me being escorted out. She turned around when she thought I couldn’t see her anymore, but I could.
I saw everything.
Diesel firmly grabbed ahold of my face. “Noah, look at me!” he ordered, trying to get my eyes to focus on him instead of the scene unfolding in front of me. “Noah! Look. At. Me!”
“Let him call 9-1-1, Jameson! It was an accident! Where the fuck were you?!” Ma yelled, turning her frantic attention to Pops.
“Accident or not, we can’t call the cops! You want your son to go to prison?” he replied, ignoring her question.
Prison? Why would Creed go to prison?
She shook her head violently, finally understanding something. “No! Not Creed! I can’t—”
“Noah! Goddamn it, look at me!” Diesel rumbled, but I was too far gone.
Watching.
Waiting.
“It was an accident!” Creed shouted at Pops, reaching for the phone in his hands.
He jerked it away and shoved him, causing Creed to stumble. “We will all go to prison over this!” he added, looking at everyone with his dark, cold, calculated stare.
“Where’s Luke?” I found myself asking out loud again.
“Noah!” Diesel held my face harder, but I couldn’t feel anything other than my rapidly beating heart.
“Where’s Luke?” I repeated, my vision zeroing in on Ma.
“Look at me, pay attention to me,” Diesel countered, trying to jerk my intense stare to him and not to the room that held the answer to my question.
Ma shook her head. “You fuckin’ bastard,” she wailed, her usually strong frame breaking into pieces.
“I’m tryin’ to save all our asses! Do you want to lose another son?” Pops argued, his eyes meeting hers.
The floor suddenly felt like it came apart beneath my feet, and I started to fall. Deeper and deeper into the ground, faster and faster into the hole where I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
Why couldn’t I breathe?
“Noah! Stay with me! Stay here with me!” Diesel stressed, but his voice sounded so far away, even though he was right in front of me.
There was a loud, overbearing ringing in my ears taking over every last part of me. “Where’s Luke, where’s Luke, where’s Luke?” I called out, over and over again. Lost in an alternate universe where I was suffocating.
Where I felt like I was dying, slowly and rapidly and all at once.
I watched as Creed stepped away and his back hit the adjacent wall. The truth of our father’s words was too much for him to bear. Too much for all of us to bear.
“Where’s Luke, where’s Luke, where’s Luke?” Was I still talking? Was that my voice?
Around and around my mind spun. Up and down, and in and out, it whirled and tumbled, taking me on the ride of my life. Slowly sinking further and further into the corner of my soul, seeking refuge from this hell. From the truth, from the brutal reality of our world.
“Noah, please, man… don’t do this to me… look at me… please just fuckin’ look at me,” Diesel demanded in a tone I’d never heard before.
I couldn’t move.
I couldn’t breathe.
I couldn’t take my eyes off the lifeless body Ma was cradling in her arms.
“Where’s Luke, where’s Luke, where’s Luke?” Tears fell from my eyes, and my knees couldn’t hold me up any longer. I slid and fell down the wall, losing every ounce of control that I had left in me.
All my will was gone.
All my fight had vanished.
I was there, but I wasn’t.
“No one fucks with my brother and gets away with it!” I heard Luke repeat from this afternoon.
I couldn’t tell what was real or what was an illusion. It all blended together, forming more truths, more lies, more demons.
“Noah, I got you. I got you, boy,” Diesel coaxed, gliding down to the floor with me.
“Try my brotha again and next time it’ll be real bullets goin’ through your bodies.”
Blood.
There was so much blood.
All I could see was blood.
On Creed’s hands and body, on Ma’s hands and body. Blood everywhere. Puddled on the floor beneath them, splattered on the walls behind them, in my eyes, right in front of me. Caging me in with memories from this afternoon.
It w
as my words I heard this time. “We ain’t brothers right now. You’re just another bully who made me get my ass kicked, just like Pops,” I heard viciously spewed, regretting it immediately. “Where’s Luke, where’s Luke, where’s Luke?”
More chaos.
More shouting.
More pain.
“NO! You can’t do this! You can’t take my baby!” Ma screamed with everything inside her as they pried the lifeless body out of her arms. “Please! Please, God! Just bring him back! Bring my baby back!”
She prayed.
She sobbed.
She fell apart.
And I died a little more inside.
“Look what you did, boy! You did this, Creed! You shot and killed your brother!” Pops yelled, getting right in his face.
I jerked back, desperately repeating, “Where’s Luke, where’s Luke, where’s Luke?” Pops’ words not making any sense to me.
Not when I could hear Luke restating, “You crossed the line today comparin’ me to that son of a bitch, but you wanna know what really fuckin’ hurts… you tellin’ me we weren’t brothers no more.”
With wide, dilated eyes, I continued to watch as Phoenix picked Momma up from the floor. “Give me my baby! You let me hold my baby!”
She kicked.
She screamed.
She fought.
For me.
For Creed.
For Luke.
“I wanted to crash, but I don’t wanna be around you right now. So thanks for not only ruin’n my day, but for ruin’n my night too.”
Luke left the room because of me…
“Noah! Talk to me, Noah! Please just talk to me,” Diesel urged in what sounded like an echo, far, far away.
“Where’s Luke, where’s Luke, where’s Luke?” I weakly whimpered, shuddering, shattering, stumbling.
It was when I saw a black body bag being laid on the floor that I finally found Luke.
His dark eyes stared back at me with no life, no warmth, no love.
No soul.
“You know, you’re right, we ain’t brothers because my brother woulda never said that to me.”
I realized right then and there that Luke was right, we weren’t brothers anymore.
Because my brother…