PROLOGUE
DAMIEN
I stood at the end of Amira’s bed watching her sleep through dark, tainted eyes. The void in my heart once again spreading from leaving her warmth. She moaned, as if she could feel my absence too, even in her sleep. I chose to spend the last few minutes I had left with her by taking in everything; from her long, messy, unruly hair partially covering her face, to her pouty, pursed lips swollen from my relentless and insatiable assault. Her flushed, naked bare skin only a reminder of how many times I lost myself inside of her. The scent of sex hanging heavy in the room only fueled the memories of how many times I’d made her truly mine.
Her beauty held me captive.
She was glowing.
Serene.
Fucking breathtaking.
The sun slowly started to appear through the window. Each ray of light fell across her beautiful face mimicked the ticking time bomb in my body. Only reminding me I didn’t have much time left with her.
I needed to go.
I had to leave.
Finally walk away from the only love I’d ever known.
We never stood a chance together. Not a moment, not a second, not one stolen kiss or caress brought on by my lips.
By my touch.
By my love.
By the fire inside of me that would only ever belong to her.
My core seized up more and more the longer I stayed there. Tightening all around me, producing a piercing pain I would carry with me for the rest of my life.
More guilt.
More memories.
More. Fucking. Demons.
I was certain about one thing and one thing alone—when I walked out of this room, I would be taking her love…
Her devotion…
Her innocence and virtue…
With. Me.
Every story had an ending…
And this was ours.
This would destroy her.
I. Would. Destroy. Her.
In a way, I never thought I
could.
I stood there battling the desire to hold her, to tell her I loved her over and over again, and to make love to her one last time even though I spent the entire night inside her sweet pussy. Fucking worshipping her, fully conscious of the fact I was ruining her for every other man, and not giving a flying fuck while doing so. But it wasn’t enough… it would never be enough. Nothing between us ever was.
“Mmm… Damien,” she stirred as if she sensed my unforgivable intentions.
I crouched down by her face, murmuring in her ear, “Shhh… it’s me, Muñeca. I’m here, shhh... I’m here. I’m always here.” Inadvertently closing my eyes, I felt my remorse swallowing me whole. Taking me captive. It would be the only demon I’d seek comfort and refuge in.
Amira.
I slowly opened my eyes, following through on the real reason I came back into the house in the first place. Grabbing onto Yuly from the inside of my jacket, I walked to the side of the bed where I’d just been laying and softly set the doll beside her. Placing a note on top of Yuly, careful not to wake Amira. Before I knew what I was doing, the backs of my fingers were caressing the side of her face. My hand gravitated toward her like it was being pulled by a force neither one of us would ever understand. A force that had always been much greater, much more powerful than us.
A connection brought on by darkness became the only light in my life.
Even in her sleep, she melted into my touch as I murmured, “I’m so fucking sorry, I will always love you, Muñeca. Always fucking love you.” Touching the end of her nose, I took one last look at her still frame, and right when I was about to turn and leave, she mumbled back, “Always love you too,” in her sleep.
I grimaced, pain rippling through me as I experienced a dark torment settling over me. It coursed through my veins, pumping through my blood as I turned my back and left her asleep with her goddamn virtue spread on the sheets. For better or for worse, it now belonged to me along with her heart.
“Always love you too.” Would be the last words she’d ever say to me. A constant reminder of what would always be mine.
Her.
The darkness in my soul consumed me, overshadowing our love I so desperately wanted to hold onto.
Now, all that was left of us were memories. Memories were what consumed me now, life-shattering reels of images in my head.
“Amira, my name is Damien. Can you look at me please? I need you to look at me… Can you do that for me?”
“Yuly?” she finally spoke. Her eyes welling up with fresh tears, not believing what she was seeing. The sight of the small doll restoring a little piece of what was left of her heart.
The same heart I’d just broken beyond repair when I was the one who’d put it back together for her to begin with.
Next thing I knew, I was slamming my car door shut, shifting the transmission into first, and getting the hell out of there. I tried to shake off my unrelenting thoughts, blaring the music as loud as it would go. The sound system blasting “Carol of the Bells” through the speakers. Thumping loud and hard into my mind, mimicking the pounding of my heart and the ringing in my ears. I was going over fifty miles per hour, pushing sixty, pissed at what I had just done. Fucking furious I allowed this to happen again. I couldn’t get away fast enough.
Not from my mind.
My actions.
My fucking life…
Amira.
“We have to go.”
I brought her attention back to me. “Where? Where do I go?” she whispered loud enough for me to hear.
“You let me worry about that.” I stood, extending my hand for her to take.
“You promise… you promise you’re not going to hurt me? I’m safe with you? From the monsters…”
For the third time tonight, it felt like I took another bullet to my goddamn heart. So I simply replied, “You’re safe with me, Muñeca.”
She was never fucking safe with me. Not one day had she been safe with me.
Or… from me.
I flew by car after car through every intersection. My foot heavy on the gas pedal with each passing second, going faster and faster until everything I sped by was simply a big blur. I switched lanes, dodging and barely missing the vehicles in my way. Horns blared from every direction, but they didn’t stop me.
Nothing could fucking stop me.
Not then.
Not now.
Not ever.
“You know it as much as I do… she’s not a little girl anymore. The older she gets, the more she’s going to learn the truth. One day soon, I won’t be the man who saved her. I’ll just be another fucking monster that haunts her dreams.”
I took a sharp left onto a back street, causing my car to fishtail. Nearly taking out a pedestrian as I sped up the hill to avoid morning rush hour traffic. My tires kicked up gravel as I took a curve, not letting up on the accelerator. Shifting into neutral, drifting sideways into the straightaway where I drove the gear stick hard into third then fourth gear. Speeding my way out of my own personal goddamn Hell. The music doing nothing to drown out my merciless thoughts.
I tried, I tried so fucking hard to get her to safety. Knowing she never stood a chance by my side.
No one did.
“I promise I will listen to everything you say and order me to do. I swear I’ll stop teasing you. I’ll stop waking you up in the middle of the night. I will do whatever it takes to make you not send me away,” she pleaded, her voice breaking profusely. Gasping for her next breath.
“Jesus Christ, Amira. That has nothing to do with it.”
“Then why? Why are you doing this? Is it because your father knows about me? He’s not going to tell. And if he did, it doesn’t matter. I’ll hide! That’s what I’m good at, you said it yourself! I won’t leave the house. I’ll stay in my room. I don’t care!”
“What kind of life would that be for you?”
“One that’s with you! And Rosarío! The only life I know!”
“Motherfucker!” I roared until my throat felt raw and my chest burned, slamming my fists into the steering wheel. “Why couldn’t you have listened to me? Why couldn’t you ever just fucking listen to me?” I seethed to myself, shoving my foot deeper onto the accelerator.
Sixty-five miles per hour…
Seventy…
Eighty…
Eight-five…
Ninety…
“Please,” she panted.
Baiting me. Tempting me. Breaking me.
I growled, crashing my mouth onto hers. Clutching the side of her face with my hands for the first time, biting her bottom lip. Unmercifully slamming her hard into the wall behind us, causing her mouth to fly open from the pleasure and pain of my touch. Seeking out her tongue with mine.
The taste of her.
The feel of her.
The scent of her.
Was all around me…
“Jesus Christ, it won’t stop! It won’t ever fucking stop! Just make it stop!” I pleaded for I don’t know what, remembering all the times I hurt her. One right after the other with no end in sight.
“Were you this needy with your Papi? Always up his ass, begging for more fucking attention? Don’t I give you enough of that already? All I do is provide for you...”
“It’s my birthday, Damien,” she informed, hoping for an ounce of warmth.
“To me it’s just another day for you to want something. So, what the fuck can I do for you now…”
As soon as I reached Evita’s ear, I sucked it between my teeth and growled, “I love you, too, mi luz.” Calling her my light.
Pulling the trigger into Amira’s heart.
Finishing her off completely…
“Why? Why do you keep doing this to me? What have I ever done to you, to make you treat me like this! I’m not your fucking doormat, Damien! Stop treating me like one…”
“I hate you, Damien! I fucking hate you so much!” she seethed, tears falling down the sides of her face as she started to slam her fists into my
chest…
Ninety-five miles per hour…
Breaking triple digits…
I drove, battling the saint and the sinner on my shoulders like I’d been doing my whole fucking existence. Contemplating the life I wanted, the one I deserved, and the one I lived in.
“How the fuck did it come to this? How could I fucking do this to her? What the fuck?!”
I loved her with every last breath in my body, every piece of my dark and fucked up heart, every last part of my being belonged to her.
I. Belonged. To. Her.
“Turn around, just turn the car around and make this right! There is still time to make this right!” I shouted, slamming my fist into the steering wheel again. “Shut the fuck up! You’re no good for her! You’ve never been good enough for her! You’re nothing but a fucking monster! It’s who you are!”
Another sharp turn, another curve, another hill.
Faster…
Faster…
Faster…
I left Rosarío’s house last night with every intention of never looking back. Finally leaving Amira behind to set her free. As far away from me as humanly possible, where she always belonged. I went to her for one reason.
To say goodbye.
Like everything with Amira, the visit took its own path. Its own life, its own goddamn destiny. For the first time ever, I told her I loved her. I apologized for all the shit I put her through, and all the regrets I could never change. All the moments between us would forever be a part of me, carved so deep into my mind, exactly where they belonged. I repented for my sins, meaning every last word spoken, and left her behind.
Except, fate stepped in and put a halt on my plans. Even though I tried everything to avoid the ruthless, unforgiving motherfucker.
It was already set in motion, the fucker knew what I wanted, needed, and couldn’t live without.
“I came here to wish you a happy birthday, to give you your gift, and to tell you I fucking love you, Muñeca. I will always, no matter what, love you. I need you to remember that. You think you could do that for me?”
After giving her my gift and saying goodbye, I made it a few blocks down the road before slamming on the brakes, skidding across the wet pavement when I remembered I still had her doll, Yuly. There was no way in hell I was going to take Yuly away from her too. I turned the car around with a heavy heart and a guilty conscience. Silently praying I wouldn’t have to see her beautiful face again.