“Are you kidnapping me?” I coaxed, glancing at him.
“Can’t kidnap the willing.”
We drove for forty-five minutes when he got off at the exit for Ocean Island Beach.
“We’re going to another beach? You know there was one within walking distance of our houses right?” I joked.
“Can’t surf there.”
“I’ve seen you surf there almost every day since we met.”
He ignored me until he finished paying the parking attendant and pulled his Jeep in the parking space at the beach.
“I can surf anywhere,” he arrogantly asserted. “You on the other hand, cannot. The waves are less intense here. I don’t want you gettin’ hurt, babe.”
“I’m surfing?” I asked, taken back. “I don’t even have a board. I left it back in Cali.”
“We can rent you one,” he simply stated.
“Dylan, I haven’t been surfing in a long time, I don’t think this is a good idea.”
“It’s like ridin’ a bike, darlin’, you never forget.”
“Have you seen yourself surf lately? You can ride.”
He cockily smiled. “I do love when you talk dirty to me.”
I rolled my eyes, smirking. “I meant I won’t be able to keep up.”
“I’ll go slow. I know how you girls like it slow.”
“Whatever.” I opened my door and he caught my wrist before I could leave.
“I know you used to do this with your dad, suga’. I’m not trying to step on anyone’s toes. Just thought we could have a fun day together doing something we both love.”
That.
That’s w````````````hy I was falling for the boy who sat in front of me.
He always knew what I was feeling, what I wasn’t feeling, what I wanted to feel. It’s like he had a sixth sense when it came to me. He was unbelievably perceptive. I used to think it was just with me, but the older we got, and the more I was with him, I realized he was like that with everyone. You couldn’t keep anything from him. When you thought you did…
It was only because he let you.
I sighed, “Fine.”
He leaned back into his seat still not letting go of my wrist.
“I got all day, darlin’.”
I took a long, deep, sarcastic breath with a fake smile. “I can’t wait. I’m so excited.”
He caught me off guard when he pulled me toward him, lifting me to straddle his lap. He kissed the tip of my nose and tugged on the ends of my hair.
“Talk to me.”
Just. Like. That.
I knew he wasn’t going to let me go until I did. His eyes were glazed over, like they were every time he wanted to know something about me. Dylan was one of the most impatient people I had ever met, except when it came to me opening up to him. He would wait till the end of time to get what he wanted to know out of me. He wouldn’t give up until I did. He was relentless when it came to something he wanted, especially me.
At times I felt our relationship was more than just wanting to be together, it was more than the classic boy meets girl story. What we had wasn’t a normal high school romance. It ran much deeper than that. It had been that way since the very beginning, and the longer we were together, the more I realized he didn’t just want to know me…
He wanted to own me.
“Talk to me,” he repeated in a gentle tone. Rubbing my arm in a comforting gesture. I peered down into my lap not wanting him to see my weakness. I knew he wanted me to look him in the eyes.
That was another thing about McGraw…
He wanted to see the truths that most people tried to ignore.
I struggled like hell to let go of my resolve that I had been holding onto since we moved here. To bring down the wall I’d built so high, so thick with everyone except him. I never understood why he was the exception. I used to spend hours thinking about the connection we shared, the intensity of it, the way he looked at me, the way he spoke to me, the way he listened, every smile, every laugh. Every word that fell from his lips meant something.
It didn’t matter how big or how small.
It was there.
Etching it’s way into my heart where no one could ever come close to it.
Not that I had ever let them.
I wrapped my arm around my stomach trying to hold it together and tell him something I had never told anyone. Not even my aunt. Of course she knew because my mom told her, but I spent days locked in my room, holding my hands over my ears to drain the voices from that day out of my mind. I didn’t want to relive it again.
The first time was enough.
So when I opened my mouth and said, “My dad had a teacher conference at my school one afternoon,” I shocked myself with what I was about to openly share with a boy that would undo me.
“Except on this particular day, my mom was with him.” I bit my lip, trying to keep my voice steady. Already knowing it was no use, the inevitable was going to happen. I was going to break down in the arms of a boy I really liked. I released my arms, picking at the seams of my shirt for a few seconds before I could continue.
My mind was running a marathon, making it difficult to try and find the right words to express how much that day meant to me. “I remember being so happy. I was so happy I could have cried, Dylan,” I recalled, shaking my head, almost feeling that happiness again. “I wasn’t concerned about my grades, I’ve always been a good student, but I was thrilled my mom was there to hear my teacher talk about me. I was proud of my accomplishments and maybe she would be, too.”
My eyes blurred with tears threatening to surface. I pushed them back, having years of conditioning to do so. Dylan was so attentive, sweeping the hair away from my face and softly rubbing my cheek with his thumb.
Silently telling me it was okay to keep going.
“When my parents’ and I got in the car, I was just so grateful that they were both there. How fucking stupid is that?” I wept. I couldn’t hold it back any longer. The memory held me captive for so long. It overpowered me.
My emotions ran wild.
“Come here.”
He drew me closer, letting me melt into his chest. Rubbing my back, and whispering, “Shhh” in my ear. He allowed me to cry and let go of the dire anguish I’ve been carrying in me since that day.
“It’s not stupid, baby, it’s not stupid at all. It’s a strong part of you.”
I sat up, licking my lips not bothering to wipe away the stray tears. “I hugged my mom. I mean I full-on hugged my mom so tight for the first time in a long time. I wanted her to know what it meant to me that she was there with my dad. That she took an interest in my life, instead of just hearing about it from my dad, my aunt, or me.” I sniffled as Dylan caught another tear rolling down my cheek.
“I was hoping that if I showed her how much it meant to me, that maybe it could happen more often, you know, like she would realize how important it was to me for her to include herself in my life and stuff, like my schooling.” I shook my head, saddened. “I never said that to her though, maybe I should have. Maybe it could have changed something.”
I knew in my heart it wouldn’t have.
I paused, needing to take a deep breath. I closed my eyes, and I swear I could see the look on her face when I jumped into her arms. It was forever engraved into my mind, a memory I refuse to let go of. No one could take that vision away, even though it hurt me every time I thought about it.
“From school we all went to the ice cream parlor in town. The same one my dad would take me to when it was just us. I loved that he was trying to include her in our after school routine. Show her what we did together.” I let out a deep breath I didn’t realize I was holding, licking my dry lips and brushing my tears away from my face.
My mascara running everywhere.
“Walking back to the car, I stopped dead in my tracks when I noticed that our boards were on the roof. I eagerly looked over at my dad and he just nodded. Reaffirming what I already knew. They were taking
me to the beach. The day wasn’t over.”
I peered out the window with a sense of longing, looking at all the loving families on the beach, only reminding me that I didn’t have that.
That I never did.
“I rode wave, after wave, after wave. I swear it was like the universe knew. The waves would come in sets of two or three, spaced out every couple minutes. There were nice clean breaks. It made it so much easier to paddle when you’re not fighting against the current, and the winds were calm and clean,” I reminisced, imagining it like it was just yesterday and that I was still there. I could smell the saltwater in the air and feel the warm sun on my skin. Having an out of body experience.
“I know, darlin’, there’s nothing else like it,” he stated with dilated eyes.
My memory was clearly affecting him, too.
“The wave heights were overhead, five to eight feet. To be able to ride a clean wave face down in a long line was like bonding with earth. The power that pushed me right along was amazing. The excitement to get out there, again and again, to catch the next big wave with my dad by my side was awesome. To have my mom watching from the beach made it that much better. We rode the waves all day long, back and forth without a care in the world. Running around in the sand and water carefree and laughing. All I wanted to do was impress my mom, thinking that if I did she would come out to the beach with us all the time. We would be one of those families that I prayed for every night,” I paused to gather my thoughts, trying to put my emotions in check, but I was too far gone.
I was physically there, but my mind had checked out.
I was there…
But I wasn’t.
“The sun was setting as I sat on my board looking out over the horizon. California sunsets… there is nothing like them. The sky was like a painting of bold pinks, purples, and oranges, all of them meshing into one, getting ready to dive into the water and bring us night. The remaining sunlight sparkled on the water, glimmering on the surface. It was so peaceful. I didn’t want the day to end. It was one of the best days of my life,” I cried, getting choked up, wanting to swallow it back down, to bury it like I had done my memories and emotions.
“I rode our last wave of the day with tears falling down my face. The sadness that it was over was devastating. I hated feeling that way. I wanted to start the whole day all over again. Put it on constant repeat, so I could play it whenever I wanted to. When I grabbed my board and we walked back to where my mom was, she was smiling. Happy,” I wallowed, not wanting to get to the next part.
I fucking hated the next part.
It broke me.
“To have her be part of our family, to actually have a family that did normal things and spent time together, was all I ever dreamt of. It was the family I so desperately wanted.”
I failed at wiping all the tears away from my face. They were coming so fast, so hard, so unforgiving, like a faucet I couldn’t shut off. I swear he could feel my pain, it resonated that deeply all around us. Stabbing me over and over again, that the Jeep started to become confining, making it harder for me to breathe.
The space was closing in on me and I couldn’t move, I was suffocating in nothing but my own misery. My lungs felt as if they had nothing left in them, the air was gone, and I didn’t know if it would ever come back. My vision narrowed, and sounds became distant. My heartbeat echoing in my ears.
I needed to continue, to push on, and just when I thought that I couldn’t… Dylan grabbed my hand and put it over his heart.
It was so steady.
It was so solid.
It was so safe.
“Breathe, Aubrey. Feel my heart. Feel my breath. Just breathe.”
He watched all of this unfold, but he was willing to sit there and allow me to fall apart. Crumble to pieces in his arms. Shatter like glass in front of his eyes.
In hopes of maybe someday being able to put me back together.
I sucked in air that wasn’t available for the taking, laying my forehead on Dylan’s chest. It was all too much. To relive it all over again and knowing the outcome would still be the same. Nothing would change.
Not. One. Damn. Thing.
The pain…
The hurt…
The loss…
The sensation of my heart breaking all over again.
He rubbed the nook of my neck and I could feel him kissing the top of my head repeatedly, whispering, “Shhh…” again and again.
“Baby, you don’t—”
“We sat there for what seemed like forever, but it wasn’t nearly enough,” I interrupted, needing to get it out.
Needing to tell someone.
Needing to tell him.
Needing him to know I was broken.
“I lied to you, I fucking lied to you,” I uncontrollably sobbed, my vision blurred and my throat ceased, becoming so raw, so dry, so torn into a million pieces.
“I’m so fucking stupid, Dylan. So fucking stupid. I hadn’t noticed that my dad had barely said one word to us all day,” I bawled, shuddering against his chest.
I wanted to hit something, anything, to keep from feeling the emotions that were dragging me down, deeper and deeper.
He gripped my hand, pressing it tighter against his heart, willing me to keep going.
“There we were one, big, happy, fucking family,” I sobbed into his chest, his other arm steady around me.
“We went home and had dinner and my mom, my mom… she mirrored all my happiness, all of my joy, all my excitement for the future and the unknown possibilities. I went to bed that night happy, content. The next morning my dad took me to school. He never took me to school… He kissed and hugged me. Telling me that he loved me and I swear… I swear, Dylan, I heard him faintly whisper he was sorry.” I swallowed hard, choking back the sobs.
“My mom picked me up from school. It was like they had switched places, but she was so sad. Nothing like the woman she was the day before. Not one trace of her was left. On the way home, silence filled the car. My mom stared straight ahead with worry in her eyes. Something was eating away at her, something she couldn’t tell me. Something that would change the rest of our lives. The course of our future. I never saw it coming. When we arrived home, all my dad’s stuff… was gone. When I looked back at my mom, I just knew. My dad had left her. Not only her, he left me, too. He left us. My parents’ aren’t divorced. I lied to you… He just packed up and left without so much as a note. Just like that! It was so cruel what he did… so fucking cruel, Dylan!” I shouted as if he was sitting beside me, as if he could hear me, and it would change things.
As if shouting turned back time and it would make a difference.
As if shouting took away the pain and the hole I felt in my heart.
I tried to pull my hand away, but he wouldn’t let me. He held it tighter against his heart. Not one time did his steady beat change. It was so stable, so secure, so calm and serene.
So Dylan.
I shook my head into his chest instead, feeling like my skin was burning, as if it was on fire, searing from the inside out. Breaking down with his strong hold around me. Engulfing me with the comfort that I couldn’t feel, that I didn’t want to feel. That I felt I didn’t deserve.
“Why? Why give me hope and let me see what it could be like, only to just rip it all away? Why would he do that to me? Why would he hurt me like that? Why, Dylan, please tell me why? Why would he hurt us like that?” I choked out, the big, huge, ugly tears falling faster and harder.
They were merciless, every last one of them.
I cried so damn hard I was hyperventilating. I had never cried like that in my entire life. I couldn’t, I wouldn’t allow myself to, because I knew, I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop.
It would consume me.
And it did.
It was taking over me in the arms of a boy that I really liked. A boy I wanted a future with. I had never felt worse. Only adding to my tears and the hurt of a day I wanted to forget…
But
knew I never could.
She was in my lap crumbling to pieces before my very eyes.
I hugged her so tightly trying to hold what was left of her together. Comforting her the only way I knew how. I held her as tight as I could, wanting to mold us into one person, lift her up and take away her pain. I never allowed her hand to leave my heart, hoping that my steady beat would calm her. Whispering reassuring words in her ear with my leveled tone to provide her some security.
Some sense of something.
Anything…
I once read that it helped people in distress. It helped take away some of their agony, their grief, their suffering. It was the body’s natural way of finding stability, finding comfort, finding hope.
It shattered my heart.
She cried harder.
I had never seen someone sob like that before. Having her tangibly breaking down in my arms was almost too much to bear.
I felt so fucking helpless.
Her beautiful face was filled with so much despair and sadness that it caused a physical reaction from me. The ache that I felt in my heart was so foreign and unfamiliar. It was beyond crippling.
I was at a loss.
At that moment I hated her father for her.
I pulled the hair away from her face. She finally looked up at me with a huge hollow vacancy in her eyes. It chipped at my heart a little more. There was nothing left of the strong girl I had known for the last several months. I didn’t recognize the person sitting before me.
There was so much I wanted to say, wanted to do.
I wanted to do everything, but I felt as though I could do nothing. She was hurting in a way I never knew was possible. It cut me deep within my core, a place I hadn’t realized existed inside me. She was trapped inside her own head, held captive within the memories that she desperately tried to forget. I wanted to make her laugh. I’d kill to see her smile, knowing that in the end it wouldn’t matter. She’d let me see a piece of her that she had never shown anyone. The warm light of her innocence was gone, bleeding all over me and I didn’t know how to get it back.
Watching someone I cared about suffer wasn’t just painful, it was crippling. It took everything out of me. My own body felt unfamiliar with all the sensations she was causing. I never understood the concept of someone else’s pain, the way they feel, the harbored damage of one day that could change everything for them. How life might change with a few words, a few seconds, a few moments in time that you wanted to forever change but would never be able to get back.