I would lose.
"What are you doing?" he asked, laughing as I straddled his lap on my bed with my phone in my hand.
We had just finished making love. We were doing that a lot more now. It was the only time my mind stopped spinning and I allowed myself to just feel.
To be with him.
I was wearing my bra and panties and he was only in his boxer briefs.
"Taking a picture of you," I said, looking adoringly in his eyes.
The eyes I wanted to remember.
"Why?" he asked, gripping my waist, rubbing his thumbs back and forth along my lower stomach.
"Just in case," I simply stated with a tone I barely recognized.
He noticed it immediately. There was very little that Dylan didn’t notice and he often called me out on it, which led to us fighting. I squealed when he unexpectedly flipped me over instead, caging me in with his body and locking my arms above my head like he knew I loved.
He hovered above me and looked deep into my eyes and rasped, "Try to leave."
Everything fucking changed.
The irony was not lost on me.
I went from having meaningless sex with every girl, to making love to the one girl that meant everything to me and it still went to shit. I couldn't catch a break. If I knew sex would have changed things between us I would have never been intimate with her. I was eighteen and about to graduate from high school. All I wanted to hear her say was that four letter word.
Stay.
We fought. We argued a lot.
Over nothing.
Over everything.
I pushed her and pushed her and pushed her and yet I still couldn’t say what I truly needed to. The truth. “Ask me to stay. Please, just fucking ask me to stay.”
Pride was a very powerful thing, especially for a man like me.
“So, I hear Lucas and Jacob got accepted into Ohio State,” Aubrey coaxed as we sat on a blanket at the beach. She was pressed under the nook of my arm, her head lying on my shoulder, snuggled in just the way she loved.
“Mmm hmm,” I simply replied, trying to avoid another argument with her.
“When were you going to tell me that you got accepted, too?”
“Since when do you care where I go?” I retorted back at her.
She tried to pull away from me, but I held her tighter.
“Can we just sit here and enjoy the evening, Bree?”
I started to call her Bree more often, suga’ and darlin’ were few and far between. She didn’t say anything, but she didn’t have to.
“Do you want me to go to Ohio State?”
“I want you to go wherever you want. I’ve told you—”
“No shit, I have it fucking memorized now,” I snapped.
She sighed and I glanced at her. “I’m sorry, okay?” I kissed the top of her head.
“I figured you wanted to be with your boys, Dylan. That’s all. I mean you’ve never left this town. Ohio State seems like a great opportunity for you to explore.”
“Explore what exactly? What do you think I’m missin’ out on that I need to see, Bree?”
She shrugged only pissing me off further. She did that a lot, started an argument and would never finish it, leaving me to feel like the asshole for wanting to.
“What is going on in that beautiful mind of yours?”
She peeked up at me with defeat already appearing in her eyes.
“What do you want to do with your life, Dylan? You graduate in a few months and you’ve already missed several deadlines from your college acceptance letters. What are you waiting for?”
“Maybe I want to stay here. Would that be so bad?” I finally admitted.
“That’s not what you want,” she bit in a tone I didn’t appreciate.
I roughly pulled my arm away, missing her warmth immediately.
“Jesus Christ, Bree, enough with the vague responses. I’m sick of this shit.”
She stood, hovering above me. I placed my arms on my knees, looking out at the water.
“Just go! Go to Ohio State! That’s what you want. Don’t stay here for me! You know you don’t want to.”
Her bare feet kicked around the sand nervously, as her eyes looked everywhere but at me.
I snidely nodded. “It’s fucking funny how you seem so damn sure of what I want, but you have not a clue what you want.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” she yelled back, throwing her hands in the air.
“Nothing, fucking forget it.”
My blood started to boil. I couldn't take much more of this conversation with her.
“What? Now I’m not worth an argument? Where’s my asshole boyfriend, Dylan, huh? When did he get replaced with such a goddamn pussy?”
I stood so fast she never saw it coming, getting right in her face. She folded her arms over her chest, arched an eyebrow in a challenging gesture.
“If you fuck with the bull, sweetheart, you’ll get the horns. Want to try that again?” I warned, taking another step into her personal space.
“For fucks sake, just go to Ohio State, Dylan. Go be with your boys. Leave me here. We can do the long distance thing and see what happens, okay? That’s what I want. That's what you need,” she answered in a neutral tone, shocking the shit out of me.
The force of her words, causing me to step back. “Is that right?” I gritted out.
“Yes, that's right, McGraw." She dug her finger into my chest, pushing me backward.
My head jerked back, stunned and I blurted out for the first time, “Promise?” out of nowhere.
She held her head higher, knowing if she said the following it would be the end. The decision would be made with or without my consent. She took a step toward me, her intense gaze never leaving mine and then whispered,
“Always.”
It was a lonely school year for me.
My world wasn’t the same anymore and I felt like I was just going through the motions of day-to-day life. My parents were now officially divorced. I saw my mom less than I did before. She drowned herself in work, to appease her heartache. I talked to my dad here and there. He tried to be more active in my life, but it wasn’t the same.
Nothing ever was.
Dylan, Jacob, and Lucas were all at Ohio State experiencing college life and Alex was going through her own shit, as was Austin. The school year was almost over and I had seen Dylan maybe three times. Each visit was only a few days long. He came back home for his nineteenth birthday, for my eighteenth birthday and then again for the holidays. We talked on the phone almost every other day, but the conversations were short. Texting became our normal way to communicate. I had applied to a few colleges including Ohio State and to my surprise I got accepted. I still hadn’t told Dylan that bit of information. I didn’t want him to think I applied there to follow him, or pressure him to be committed to me.
Our relationship changed, like most long distance ones did. I didn’t know how to talk to him anymore or maybe I did and I was just scared. I spent most of my time by myself thinking, contemplating, and drowning in everything that was around me.
I was shocked as shit when Alex texted me saying she was going to one of Charlie’s infamous parties with Austin. She never went to parties. In fact, the last one she went to, she ended up throwing up. I had to cover for her with the boys while Lucas took her somewhere to tend to her. I stayed home instead and watched television late into the night. When my phone rang bringing me out of a dead sleep, I realized it was only early morning.
“Hello,” I groaned, wiping the sleep from my eyes.
“Aubrey,” my mom’s worried tone screeched through the phone.
I instantly sat up. “Mom. What’s wrong?”
“Honey, a taxi is on its way to come get you, okay? I will tell you what’s going on when you get here.”
“What? No!” I panicked, jumping off the couch. “Tell me now, what’s going on? Is everything okay?”
The line went silent except I could hear her breathing. She sighed
. “I can’t leave or I would come pick you up myself. It should be there in a few minutes. Come into the ICU.”
“ICU? What’s going on? Just tell me, please. Are you okay?” My heart was pounding out of my damn chest, anxiety coursing through me.
“I’m fine. Your father is fine. I’ll see you in a little bit.” She hung up.
I stood there in shock listening to the silence for a second. My mind was reeling, trying to grab onto something, anything. I ran upstairs, having fallen asleep on the couch. I brushed my teeth and threw on a hoodie with some jeans. By the time I was done the taxi was honking in my driveway. I sat in the back seat with my heart in my throat the entire ride to the hospital. What should have taken minutes, felt like hours.
I came barreling through the ICU doors.
“Where’s my mom?” I yelled out to the receptionist who looked at me with sympathy.
What the fuck is going on?
“Aubrey,” Mom called from behind me.
I ran to her side. “What’s going on? You just hung up on me.”
She looked all around the open room and then back at me.
“Honey, last night…” She rubbed her forehead and then at her temples. “There’s been an accident. Austin and Alex have been in an accident.”
My eyes widened. “Oh my God,” I breathed out. “Please don’t tell me…” I couldn’t finish my sentence. My heart felt like it had broken into a million different pieces, only being able to think of the worse.
“They’re alive, but they’re in bad shape,” she explained.
“Are they going—” I stuttered, tears started rolling down my face.
“Austin is in much worse shape than Alex, he flew out the windshield. We had to put him in a medically- induced coma after we operated on his brain with the hope that it would help the swelling decrease. He’s suffered severe trauma to the head, honey, with several broken ribs, burns and deep cuts on his face and chest from the airbag and windshield. He’s going to need a lot of therapy, but it’s not impossible.”
My hand went to my mouth, my eyes filling up with tears.
“And Alex?” I asked, my voice breaking.
“Alex’s brain was swollen from her head busting the window, but we didn’t need to operate, it should go down on its own. But she’s still in a coma and should eventually wake up. We just have to be patient, head trauma is very serious and both of them will be under close watch for a while. She had to get some stitches on her forehead and lip. Other than that, she suffered minor cuts on her face, her arms and around her body. She’s bruised everywhere, along with a few broken ribs. I’m telling you all this because I don’t want you to be surprised when you walk in and see them,” she warned.
I shook my head not believing what was happening. “I don’t understand. How did this happen, Mom?”
“Austin was driving drunk and he ran into a tree. His alcohol level was .092, and Alex’s was .16, they’re lucky to be alive. It’s just a waiting game now. They have the best doctors taking care of them.”
“Are the boys—”
“Yes,” she interrupted.
I didn’t know what hurt more. That my friends were both fighting for their lives or the fact that Dylan didn’t even call to tell me. He obviously didn’t need me here to support him and that was the hardest pill to swallow.
“Lucas is in Alex’s room. He hasn’t left her side and Dylan and Jacob have been going back and forth between rooms. I believe they’re all in Alex’s room right now.”
“Is Lucas’ dad—”
“Yes, Dr. Ryder is here. His wife took Alex and Austin’s mom to get some coffee. They’re in room 702.”
I nodded. “Okay.”
“Come on, I’ll take you down there.”
I nodded again not able to form words. I barely felt it when she wrapped her arm around me and we walked side-by-side to Alex’s room. The boys didn’t even notice that we were standing at the doorway. Lucas was sitting in a chair in the back corner, Jacob leaned up against the wall and Dylan was sitting by her bed holding her hand.
I cried harder, seeing them all torn up with my best friend lying on a hospital bed, nearly unrecognizable. I couldn’t imagine what Austin looked like.
They all looked in my direction when they heard my sobs, Dylan didn’t even bat an eye that I was there.
“I’m so sorry,” I wept. I didn’t know what else to say.
“She’s going to be fine,” Lucas stated with a stern tone, I don’t know if he was trying to convince me or himself.
“Of course she is,” I replied, hugging my arms around my torso, trying like hell to hold it together.
“I’m going to go check on Austin, honey, I’ll be back. Talk to Alex, she can hear you even though she’s not awake,” Mom coaxed, trying to break the tension in the room.
“Okay,” I replied, but stayed put in the doorway.
She left and I just stood there as if I was an outsider looking in and not one of them anymore. I wondered what Dylan had told them, what they knew.
Dylan stood, nodding toward me to come sit. I swallowed hard, my heart beating faster with every step I took. He gestured toward the chair not breaking eye contact with me. He didn’t try to hold me or kiss me, nothing of what I expected him to do.
I sat, looking at the girl who I considered a sister, immediately feeling guilty for alienating her. I had barely spoken to her that whole year. She probably needed me the most this past year since she was just as alone as I was and yet I had shut her out. I had been too lost in my own mind and problems to care about hers. The thought that I might not ever be able to talk to her again, that something could go wrong was too much to take and I broke down. My upper body gave out on me, and falling over to her side.
“I’m so sorry, Alex. I’m so sorry that I haven’t been a better friend to you,” I sobbed, holding her hand tight in my own. “I promise I’ll make it up to you. Please just give me the chance,” I cried so hard into her hand. My body shook with each sob.
It was then that I felt Dylan’s strong hands press against my shoulders, rubbing at the tense muscles. I hadn’t felt his hands on me in such a long time. I couldn’t remember the last time we made love.
“She’s going to be fine, suga’.”
I also couldn’t remember the last time he called me that and it only made me cry harder.
“Promise?” I murmured loud enough for him to hear.
He crouched down beside me, whispering, “Always” in my ear.
I don’t know how long I stayed like that. My arms wrapped around her with his arms wrapped around me. It could have been seconds or hours. Time just seemed to stand still and from that moment on I knew I would hate fucking hospitals. I never wanted to see one again. Nothing good came from them. I had no idea how my mom could do this everyday. How she chose this over her family.
When Alex’s mom walked back into the room, I let her have my chair. I hugged her tight before she sat down to hold her daughter’s hand exactly how Dylan and I had.
“I’m going to take her to see Austin.” Dylan put his hand out waiting for me to follow him toward the door.
They nodded, looking back and forth between us.
“It’s good to see you guys. I miss you,” I said out of nowhere, needing them to hear it.
Jacob pulled me into a hug and kissed the top of my head, Lucas quickly followed. It felt like old times but under horrible circumstances.
“He’s not as strong as he pretends to be, Aubrey,” Lucas whispered in my ear, catching me off guard. “He needs you now more than ever. Don’t fuck with him if he’s not what you want.”
What was that supposed to mean?
I pulled away as our eyes locked, he smiled and kissed my forehead. Dylan grabbed my hand and I looked down at the ground not being able to face him after what Lucas just said. Dylan took me into Austin’s room and I didn’t have the same breakdown as I did with Alex. His mom was in the room and I wanted to stay strong for her even though
I was massively hurting on the inside.
My mom went home to rest up for her next shift. When she returned to work, it was well into the night and she found me in the exact same place, as I was when she left. Sitting in the waiting room for something to change.
Any news.
I felt like I was getting in everyone’s space, the boys, their parents, and the staff. I thought it would be easier if I sat in the waiting room to stay out of the way. Dylan came out a few times to check on me, but never stayed long, not that I expected him to. He had barely said more than a few words to me and as much as I tried not to take it personally, I couldn’t.
Which only made me feel worse. I should have been thinking about my friends, but there I was thinking about my relationship.
Proving that I am selfish.
I really was my mother’s daughter.
We took the first flight out after our parents called. None of us even grabbed clothes. I thought about Aubrey the entire time. I wanted to call her and tell her I needed her, but every time I started to dial her number, I stopped. I knew her mom would take care of it and she would show up eventually. Things were tense between us. I didn’t even know where we stood half the time anymore. All I wanted was for my friends to be okay. I didn’t need any more problems than the ones that were already lying in comas struggling for their lives.
I was so pissed at Austin, I could barely fucking see straight. We all were. All we ever asked him to do was protect Half-Pint.
It was that simple.
Each one of us told him that he needed to step up and watch over her, while we were gone off at college. He looked all of us in the damn eyes and swore he would. I couldn’t say one damn thing about how I felt, because that would only provoke Lucas more to walk into his room and take him off life support, if I did. Jacob and I kept our mouths shut, knowing that nothing between them was ever going to be the same after this.
Especially if…
I pushed the thought away from my mind before it even fully formed. Terrified it would take over and I would be the one walking into Austin’s room. Although, Jacob was the oldest by a few months, I always felt like I was. These boys and Alex, they were my life. If I could trade places with either one of them, I would in a heartbeat. No questions asked. I couldn’t help but feel responsible for both of them fighting for their lives.