I could feel her physically crumbling, breaking apart in my very own arms, every part of her collapsing into a pile of nothing through sobs that will forever haunt me. I grabbed her face, needing to look into her eyes, trying to have her find her way back to me. She tried to push my hands away, moving her face around.
“Look at me. Stop fucking fighting me,” I ordered.
“I can’t,” her tone flat and desolate.
“Look at me, Lillian.”
Our eyes locked, except for the first time there was no light in hers. My Lily was gone and all that was left was her soulless body.
“I need you. Do you understand me? You can’t leave me. I won’t make it without you. I love you, Lily. I love you so fucking much it physically kills me,” I whispered into her mouth.
She closed her eyes as if what I was saying was causing her even more pain.
“No!” I shouted. “You don’t get to hide from me. Do you hear me?”
She shook her head not opening her eyes. I gripped her body, tighter like I was trying to mold us together.
Into one person.
“Open your eyes. Open your eyes and look at me. Look at my truths, look into my eyes, everything you want, everything you’ve known for years is there. Just fucking look at me.”
She bit her lip and reluctantly opened her eyes.
“I. Love. You,” I repeated and she sucked in air, her breath shuddering.
“Do you hear me? You. Have. Me.”
I kissed her forehead, her cheeks, her neck, I wanted to kiss her everywhere all at once. I wanted to keep her there with me. When I kissed her lips, she let me, her mouth opened for me. I felt the silkiness of her tongue and the salty taste of her tears. I didn’t feel her, my Lily. She was just giving me her body. I placed my forehead on hers and looked deep into her eyes. I didn’t see it anymore, the light, the love, the happiness, that was for me, and it was fucking gone. Her eyes were just as beautiful as every time I looked into them, they were just no longer alive and full of life.
They were no longer for me.
I had ruined it.
I ruined everything.
“Please, don’t do this,” I whimpered in a voice I didn’t even recognize, I was on the verge of tears. “My sweet girl…” I pleaded, grabbing her cheek.
Nothing.
Not. One. Fucking. Thing.
“I want to go home now.”
I nodded with tears in my eyes.
“Okay, baby, I’ll take you home.”
I kissed her head one last time and took her home.
It had been ten days since my mom died, I know because I had been counting. My brother wouldn’t let me out of his sight, barely leaving me alone for more than five minutes. My dad threw himself back into work, and all I tried to do was keep breathing. Jacob left to go back to school a few days after the funeral, saying that the last thing he wanted to do was leave, but his leave of absence from school was up and if he didn’t go back they would fail him out of his classes. I didn’t care. I barely paid him any mind while he was here after the funeral anyway. He was as bad as my brother and at least now I only had one of them on my ass. I withdrew from my college classes the second the doctor told us about my mom’s prognosis, and I had no intention of going back anytime soon. My mom’s life insurance policy paid out in the next few weeks and my dad didn’t want any of the money.
Not one dime.
She had a million dollar policy that was being split between Lucas and I. To be honest, I didn’t want the damn money either, and I knew my brother felt the same. At the end of the day, it’s what my mom wanted. She was adamant that we take the money and do what we wanted with it. All I knew was that I was donating fifty thousand of it to breast cancer awareness and so was my brother. My dad was setting up an appointment with a financial advisor for us, and I would just let them handle it. He was upset I wasn’t going back to school, but I was an adult now and there wasn’t much he could do about it. Being in my house was becoming suffocating, I had even crashed at Lucas’s a few times with the hope that it would take away some of the ache.
It didn’t.
I didn’t know anything anymore. For the first time in my life…
I felt lost.
“Lily, you have to get off this couch today,” Lucas announced, walking into the room with Mason.
“Lee Lee.” He ran to me.
“Hey, little dude.” I picked him up and sat him on my lap, hugging him tight. He scooted off my lap to go to his toys on the floor.
“Lily, you know you can crash here as long as you want, but you have to move from the couch every day. Your ass is leaving a permanent indent in it,” he laughed, I didn’t. “You have to do something, anything.”
I shrugged, changing the channel to Elmo, and Mason crawled back up on my lap. We watched Elmo for the rest of the day together.
Much to my brother’s disapproval.
“Hello,” I answered my cell phone.
“Hey, man,” Lucas replied.
“How are you?”
“Been better.”
“I know, bro, it’s going to take some—”
“It’s not me,” he interrupted. “I can throw myself into work, into Mason, I have stuff that can keep my head occupied. I can keep going. It’s my baby sister, man. My dad’s kind of lost in his head, and I guess he’s doing what I am. Lily is… fuck I don’t even know.”
“I know. I’ve been texting with her on and off, but she doesn’t answer or return any of my calls. Alex says she’s getting the same non-response from her.”
“Yeah, Dylan too. But it’s actually why I’m calling. I need your help. Do you think maybe she can come to San Francisco, stay with you for a few days? Maybe it will help take her mind off things.”
“Have you told her about this?”
“Not yet. I’m sure she would love it. She needs to get her ass off my couch. You know she loves to be around family. You’re like another brother to her, Jacob. It’s not going to be a problem, I know it.”
Yeah… some brother I am.
“Alex and I… we’re umm… do you think you could tell her? That way she can spend some time with Alex too while she’s there.”
I wanted to ask Lucas what happened between him and Alex. They seemed to be attached at the hip during the days leading to the funeral.
I didn’t. Hell, it was none of my damn business, and I was going through my own shit.
I already felt guilty enough for ruining both Ryder’s lives.
“You know Lily is welcome here anytime. You don’t have to ask.”
“Thanks, man,” he sighed, relieved. “I’m just going to book her flight, pack her a bag, tell her we’re going to dinner and drop her off at the airport instead. I’ll carry her on the fucking plane if I have to.”
I nervously chuckled. “I thought you said she would love to come.”
“Under normal circumstances yes, right now? I don’t fucking know anymore.”
“Text me her flight information, and I’ll be there.”
“Sounds good. Thanks again, brother.”
I hung up.
Excited to see Lily but never expecting the girl that got off the plane.
I sat on the plane fucking livid.
I had never been so pissed before.
Lucas stole my wallet, only giving me my license so I couldn’t take a taxi back home. There was no one I could call. I had to take the damn flight. He said Jacob would be picking me up from the airport, he said this would be good for me. He said a whole bunch of bullshit that I didn’t listen to because I tuned him out after he said Jacob’s name. The plane landed at four pm, I purposely took forever to get down to baggage claim.
Jacob was already standing there looking fucking handsome as ever with my bag already sitting by him.
“Hey, Kid,” he greeted as I walked up to him.
“Hi.”
He pulled me into a hug, but I kept my arms down by my sides, I didn’t want to be there.
I didn’t care if I was acting like a child. I was mad at both of them for doing this to me. Especially without my damn consent.
“How was your flight?”
I shrugged, walking beside him out of the airport.
He glanced over at me. “Are you hungry?”
I shrugged again and he grabbed my arm, turning me to face him.
“Is this how it’s going to be for the next week?”
“I don’t know, Jacob, you tell me. Since you and my brother are so great at planning my life, you can tell me how I’m supposed to act.”
His eyes widened like he wasn’t expecting me to lash out, but it was quickly replaced with a small grin. “Dinner it is then.”
“I’m not hungry,” I immediately replied.
“Kid, stop being a little shit. Just let me fucking feed you.”
“Fine.” I smiled. “It’s your money, Lucas took all of mine.” I opened the door and got in his car.
She didn’t say one word at dinner.
I tried to initiate several conversations with nothing more than a shrug in response. She played around with her food, rolling it around her plate with her fork. She looked thinner than the last time I saw her, her eyes still vacant of life but full of sorrow. She looked empty and all I craved was that little piece of light that I loved so much about her. I rented movies for us to watch, thinking maybe she would let me hold her, try to comfort her, but she sat on the furthest couch from me. She passed out pretty early into the movie, and that’s when I remembered Lucas said she hadn’t been sleeping. I carried her to my bedroom and she had never felt so light before. She didn’t stir when I laid her on the bed, placing the blankets on top of her. I sat on the edge of the bed, staring at her for I don’t know how long.
The next thing I knew it was light out, and I’m brushing the sleep out of my eyes to find Lily looking at me with an unrecognizable stare.
I looked around the room, realizing I had fallen asleep at the bottom of the bed. She was still tucked in the same place I laid her in last night. At least now she looked somewhat rested, but the glow she always had about her was still gone. I was beginning to wonder if I would ever see it again.
“I must have passed out. I had every intention to sleep on the couch,” I let her know.
“It’s your bed.”
I ignored her snarky comment, looking at the clock on the nightstand. “Damn, it’s noon. You slept for fourteen hours, Kid.”
“So.”
“I just meant that’s great. Lucas says you haven’t been sleeping.”
“You have a comfortable bed. It has nothing to do with you.”
I sat up, shocked as shit by her reply. “Excuse me? Want to try that again?”
“Why? You heard me the first time.”
I scoffed. “Who are you talking to, Lily?”
“You. You’re the only person in the room.”
I opened my mouth but quickly shut it, keeping my temper at bay. I had to remember she was still in mourning. She had been through a lot. I needed to cut her some slack when I wanted nothing more than to throw her over my knee and remind her who she was speaking to.
I stood. “I’m going to take a shower and make some breakfast. You’re free to join me if you want.” I walked away.
“To the shower or the breakfast? Because neither sounds very appealing.”
I froze. Now she was just fucking provoking me.
Take a breather, Jacob, she’s hurting. Her mom just died. Breathe… it’s not you. It’s her pain.
I spun to face her. “Kid, you need to eat. You’re rail thin. After you eat, you can come back and lay in bed, I don’t fucking care. But I will feed you while you’re here. Do you understand me?”
She narrowed her eyes at me in a destructive kind of way. “What about the other thing? Or does my rail thin body not do it for you anymore? At least I’m not a kid anymore. Or do you just find excuses not to be with me? What, Jacob, do I need to gain weight for your feelings to come back?”
“Come back? What the fu—”
“If you’re not going to take a shower then I am.” She jumped out of bed and went right into the bathroom, ending our argument as abruptly as it started.
The rest of the day she barely spoke to me. She carried on like that for the next three days. It didn’t matter what I did or what I said, her behavior didn’t change. I had to keep reminding myself that she was hurting. That it was her pain spewing out hurtful things and that it had nothing to do with me. I was allowing her to take out her frustrations on me and as much as she fucking provoked me to reply, I played nice.
For now.
Alex came to hang out with her while I was at school. She said Lily hadn’t really been talking to her much either. No one seemed to be able to get through to her so I decided to try something different. I ordered her favorite kind of pizza, pineapple and pepperoni. I couldn’t stand that shit, but I would try anything at that point. I rented an obscene amount of chick flicks and even picked up some of her favorite ice cream, mango apricot sorbet. It took three different stores to find the damn thing, but I was hoping it would all be worth it. I wanted to see her smile. Once. That would be enough for me.
I was sitting on the couch with everything laid out on the coffee table when she came out from my room after she took a shower. She froze as soon as she saw the spread on the table, but her expression didn’t give away anything she was feeling. She just sort of stood there.
“I thought we could hang out tonight like we used to,” I said, breaking the silence between us.
“Why?”
“I miss you. I’m worried about you.”
“Of course. That’s always your motive.”
“Kid, if you’re finally going to talk to me, I’m going to need you to not speak in fucking code.”
“Fine, then I won’t talk to you at all.” She spun and I was over to her and turning her to face me before she even took her first step.
“Enough of this bullshit. I have been giving you space, time, letting you be. But there’s only so much I can take. I have reached my goddamn breaking point with you. I get it, okay? You’re hurting, Lily. Everyone is. But you don’t see all of us shutting people out and saying shitty things. I don’t know what more I can do for you.”
“I didn’t ask to come here. I don’t need you to babysit me. I don’t even want to be here.”
“Then what do you want, Lily? Because no one fucking knows, not even me.”
“Especially not you! You never know anything about me! So that’s nothing new.”
“Is that right?” I gritted out.
“Yes.” She tried to pull her arm away, but I wouldn’t let her, only holding her tighter.
“Let go of me!”
“Not until you tell me why you’re acting like a little shit.”
She didn’t falter. “Fuck you.”
I immediately yanked her toward me and she lost her footing. I grabbed both of her arms and sat her up on the counter, placing my body in between her legs. She tried to move away, but I held her firmly down with my hands around her waist, she wasn’t going anywhere unless I wanted her to.
“Let’s try this again. Stop testing me, little girl, because I promise you it won’t end well for you. Now, what the hell is your problem? I know this can’t all be about your mom.”
Silence.
“For fucks sake, Kid, just tell me,” I urged.
“You can’t do this!” she yelled. “You can’t—”
“Try and stop me, Lily.”
She tried to shove me away, tried my hands, my body, anything for her to be able to break free and run away. “You always do this. You always manhandle me, it’s not fair!”
I gripped her hands, locking them by her sides and she screamed out in frustration, whipping her body around.
“What’s not fair, Kid? That you love it? Is that what’s not fair?”
“No!”
“We can do this your way or we can do it mine? But either
way, you’ll fucking tell me.”
She thrashed a little bit more until she realized she wasn’t going anywhere. “You’re being a dick!”
“Unlucky for you… I don’t give a fuck.” I gripped her inner thighs, right in the middle for the first time, exactly how her mom told me to do, and she immediately stopped. We locked eyes, the realization of what I was about to do was clearly written across her face.
I grinned.
Squeezed, and she lost her shit.
I kicked, my legs flaying everywhere, my body shaking uncontrollably. I bit my lip so damn hard I thought it was going to bleed.
I would not laugh. I could not laugh.
Which only made him squeeze harder, twitching his fingers right on the muscle to the point of pain. It was like when you hit your damn funny bone, it hurt like a son of a bitch, but it made you laugh from the sting. I couldn’t take it anymore and I squealed, laughing hysterically and screaming all at the same time. His body firmly locked on mine, the counter giving him the advantage to torture me mercifully and with no remorse.
“Spill it and I’ll stop.” The enjoyment in his tone was evident.
He pressed harder, my throat burned and my voice sounded hoarse.
“You have five seconds to stop being a stubborn little shit before I really have no mercy on you at all. Five… four…”
I fought harder and laughed louder.
“Three… two…”
"I waited so long,” I screamed out, trying to catch my breath, and he finally fucking stopped.
“For what?” he impatiently added.
I breathed heavily, in and out, my chest rising and falling with my heart pounding out of my chest. My body hot all over with sweat forming at my temples. I swallowed the saliva that had pooled in my mouth.
“For. What?” he repeated, gripping my sore thighs just a little. The expression on his face quickly turned heated.
“God, Jacob, for someone who is going to be a lawyer, you sure can’t catch a clue.” I took a deep breath, my lip quivering from what I was about to say. “I waited so damn long to hear you say those three words to me, and when you finally do it… when you finally say it to me… I’m at my lowest. I don’t need your pity. I was hurting enough. You didn’t have to add to it.”