“I know this shouldn’t make me happy given our circumstances right now, but shit, Half-Pint, I’m ecstatic that you haven’t been with him. That you’re still—”
She grimaced and didn’t even try to hide it. “Bo…”
I shook my head in disbelief. “No.”
Our eyes locked. “I was so upset and hurt after you turned me down. I didn’t see it that way. You didn’t tell me any of those things. All you said was that you couldn’t do it. That I was drunk and I needed to sleep it off, that I wasn’t in the right state of mind to know what I was asking. We barely talked the next morning. You kissed me goodbye and left. That was it.”
I could see the whole night replaying through her eyes, making me relive it all over again.
“After you had left, after all you boys left, I went to work and Cole was at the restaurant. After my shift was over, we went back to his house. His parents were gone.”
I shut my eyes not being able to hear the rest but also needing to know.
“We were in his room. I don’t even know how it happened. One second we were talking and then the next we were kissing. One thing led to another, it just happened,” she bellowed, regret evident in her tone.
“Did he know?” I asked, opening my eyes. “Did he know you were a virgin?”
“He figured it out before it actually happened.”
“Cole’s not as fucking stupid as I thought.”
My eyebrows lowered.
“You’re connected to him, Alexandra. In a way, I will never be to you, and he knows that. He’s known that all along.”
“I didn’t want it to be him. I wanted it to be you.”
He didn’t say anything, but he didn’t have to, his expression spoke for itself.
“Why did you need me?”
“What?”
“That night. You said you needed me. Why?”
He looked everywhere around the room but at me, and when he realized I noticed it he once again met my gaze.
“It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change anything. As much as we want it to,” he simply stated, sweeping my hair from my face with a sad smile.
“You’re going to be a father. You’re going to have a baby. Wow,” I breathed out. “I knew this day would come, except I always imagined that I would be the one carrying it.”
He caressed my cheek as a single tear rolled down his face.
“I can’t—” I steadied my voice for what I was about to say. “I can’t do this with you anymore. Love shouldn’t hurt this much. All you’ve ever done is complicate me.” I declared with a stern face, bracing myself for what I was about to do.
I clutched onto my shark tooth necklace, holding it between my fingers for a few seconds to take in the feel of it around my neck. I hadn’t taken it off since he gave it to me on my 11th birthday, and the mere memory of it almost brought me to my knees. I roughly yanked it off my neck before I could back out of what I was about to do.
His eyes followed the steady movement of my hand as I placed the necklace in his front pocket, which happened to be on top of his heart. I allowed my hand to linger for a few moments, wanting to remember the feel of him against my hand as his heart beat rapidly, mirroring mine. They had always been in sync with one another. Time, regrets, lies, mistakes, misunderstandings, hadn’t made it any less true.
I took one last look at him, wanting to remember him just this way, and sucked in a breath I didn’t realize I held. “I’m done, Bo, I’m done,” I repeated as more tears fell down his handsome, broken face.
For the first time…
He knew.
That what I said…
Was. True.
“Damn, man, you sure you want to do this?” Dylan asked as I packed the last of my things.
“What other choice do I have?”
“You don’t have to move back home, Lucas. I mean yeah, she’s pregnant, but you can finish the school year. Your son’s not going to be born until April, it’s January.” He had just got back from Christmas break. I only went home for Christmas day and then came right back to start packing and take care of any loose ends.
“It just makes sense, man, I need to go. With my mom being sick and Stacey being pregnant, it’s the right thing to do.”
“Fuck…” He sat on the edge of my bed. “Jacob is barely ever around and Austin is moving in now. He got kicked out of the dorms, and I think he’s losing his shit. Did you see him at the kegger? He was on something, that wasn’t just weed and booze as he claimed.”
“It’s his problem.”
“He’s failing almost all his classes. He never goes.”
“Again. It’s his problem. Not yours,” I stated.
He nodded. “Yeah, I hope he gets his shit together. I’m not going to deal with it when he’s living here. Neither will Jacob.”
“Austin’s going to do what he wants. It is what it is.”
“Have you talked to Stacey? Does she know you’re moving back and transferring to Wilmington?”
“For the most part.”
“She must be happy, she got what she wanted.”
“She’s the mother of my kid, Dylan.”
“Which is why I’m not saying what I really want to.”
I zipped the suitcase, placing it on the floor.
“How’s your mom?”
“They’re going to start the first round of chemo next month. She’s as good as she can be. I wish I could say the same for my dad and Lily.”
“Yeah, Half-Pint told me.”
I glanced over at him. “Alex? She knows?”
“Of course she does.”
“Who told her?”
“Your parents over Thanksgiving break. She went home with Cole.”
“Cole?” I squinted.
“Yeah, she didn’t take the news well. I’m actually glad he was with her.”
I hadn’t gone home for break. I needed to get all my documents in order for the school transfer.
“Are they together?”
“Not that I know of, but she moved to California, Lucas. You think she did that for shits and giggles? I’m sure he had something to do with it. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were together. He’s been around for years, like a poor sick puppy dog following her around. At least he’s proved himself.”
“Fuck him,” I roared.
He shook his head. “She deserves to be happy, Lucas. She deserves that more than anybody. If he makes her happy, then that’s all that matters to me.”
“I should have made her—” I stopped myself from saying what I wanted to.
“You didn’t. You never did,” he said, already knowing what I wanted to say.
He was right, there wasn’t much left for me to say after that. I rolled my suitcase out of the room and placed it by the front door.
“You coming home for spring break?”
“I think the boys and I are going to California. Alex has been begging us to come check it out.”
“Aubrey?”
He shrugged. “She’s just a girl I used to fuck.”
My eyebrows raised, but I quickly wiped the surprised look off my face. “I’ll see you.” I patted his back.
“Take care, brother.”
“Talk soon.”
I drove my truck the entire way home listening to Brown Eyed Girl.
On repeat.
“Wait, what? Straighten that out for me.”
“Cole, that doesn’t even make sense,” I laughed with Aubrey.
“Oh, it doesn’t make sense? I’ll show you making sense.” He tugged my foot from across the floor, pulling me to him to tickle all over my ribs and under my arms. I shrieked, kicking and laughing all at the same time. He finally stopped his assault with a proud look on his face. I rolled my eyes with a playful smile as he kissed the top of my head.
“I’m going to go order some pizza. Pineapple?” he questioned.
“Duh,” I simply stated as he walked out of the room.
“It’s nice,” A
ubrey grinned.
I sat up and went back to the coffee table, where our textbooks and notebooks were spread out. We were all studying for midterms that were only a few days away.
“I know I love pineapple pizza!”
“That’s not what I’m talking about. It’s nice to see you laughing and smiling again, Alex.”
I bowed my head, looking at my notebook.
“I’m serious. I know it’s been a rough year for you.”
“Yeah,” was all I could say.
“Have you talked to him? Have you talked to Lucas?”
I shook my head no.
“That’s probably for the best. How’s his mom?”
“Fighting.”
She nodded in understanding.
“Lily is… she’s… she’s really bad,” I stuttered. “You know how she is, such a free spirit, happy go lucky kinda girl. She’s fifteen and should be worrying about boys and her learner’s permit. Her life’s completely changed. I think it’s killed some of her spirit.”
“Lily is resilient, though. She’s a lot like Lucas in that sense. It’s a Ryder trait.”
“My mom… I mean my parents in general. They’re not dealing well with it either. I guess it hasn’t really hit me yet. I mean I know she’s sick, but I’m not there seeing it happen. I’m here and I feel really guilty about that.”
They had told me over the holiday break and as soon as they did. I had a gut wrenching feeling that Lucas was coming to tell me the night he found Cole and I in our abandoned house. Especially after him not sharing it with me during our last encounter at his apartment. He didn’t want to add to the pain I felt already, knowing I would find out eventually.
“You being there will not change anything, Alex. Your parents want you here. They told you several times.”
“I know that. But she’s like a mom to me,” I breathed out. “I can’t imagine life without her. I don’t ever want to imagine it.”
“She’ll be okay. You just have to have faith.”
“I am. I’m trying.”
“It’s okay for you to be happy. I hate to say this because you know I’ve always been team Lucas, but Cole he’s a good guy. It's obvious he loves you. I think a part of you loves him, too. You have to move on, Lucas has.”
My mind processed what she said to me, knowing she was right. “He is a good guy and I do love him, Aubrey. I just don’t know if I'm in love with him yet.”
“Well, you’re never going to find out if you don’t try to see what’s there. You've kept him in the friend box and maybe it’s time for you to take him out of there. I mean you lost your virginity to him. That’s got to mean something.”
Before I could answer, Cole walked back into the living room clapping his hands loudly, making Aubrey and I jump from the sound.
“I am ready to conquer Physics. Who’s with me?”
We both looked at him like he was crazy.
“All right,” he stated with a serious face. “Nobody.”
We spent the rest of the night laughing, studying and eating entirely too much pizza. Cole crashed on our couch, and for the first time I almost told him to come sleep in my bed.
With me.
The boys were coming in a few days to visit me in California over spring break. I bought a few air mattresses after I asked Aubrey if it was okay that they stayed with us. She said it didn’t bother her and that it was fine. Dylan said the same.
I didn’t understand either of them, after this trip I would understand them even less.
“Are you going to help me clean up or you just going to sit there and play Xbox?” I asked Cole who hadn’t moved from the couch.
“I knew I shouldn’t have let you bring that thing over here.”
“Darlin’, the guys are coming and you will be very grateful when they’re not bored out of their minds because they don’t have shit to do. Trust me, they don’t want to watch your Pretty Little Liars and Vampire Diaries.”
I shook my head. “That’s definitely not me, that’s Aubrey. I hate it as much as you do. Modern Family and Family Guy are more my style.”
“And that’s why I love you, Darlin’,” he stated as he enthusiastically moved about the couch shooting people.
He said it all the time now, like him telling me he was in love with me on the beach opened the door for him to say I love you whenever he wanted. I would be lying if I said it didn’t warm my heart every time I heard that sentiment coming from his lips. I had been giving us a lot of thought since Aubrey and I talked, but I just hadn’t worked up the courage to say what I wanted to yet.
“What are you stewing about over there?”
“How do you know I’m stewing?”
“Because you’re playing with the seam of the pillow and you only do that shit when you’re nervous.”
I smiled, laughing to myself. He wasn’t even looking at me and he still knew what I did, which helped ease the anxiety I felt about having this conversation with him.
“We need to talk.”
“Four words every man loves to hear.”
“Cole…”
“Okay.” He clicked save on the game and put the controller on the coffee table, turning to face me.
I moved from the armchair to the couch, sitting beside him with my legs tucked under me.
“What’s up?”
I took a deep breath. “I’ve been thinking.”
“About?”
“Us.”
He grinned, his dimples protruding profusely. “What about us?”
“I think that maybe we could hang out and stuff.”
“We do that all the time.”
“I mean… in other ways of hanging out. Like dates and stuff.”
He chuckled, beaming. “Are you asking me out, Darlin’?”
“Cole,” I whined, embarrassed and hiding my face in my hands.
He laughed again but this time it was much bigger and huskier. “Stop,” he ordered, pulling my hands down but not letting go of them. “Tell me.”
“I just did.”
“Why you being so shy?”
“I don’t know. Girls aren’t supposed to ask guys out, Cole.”
“Ah. Well then, let me rectify that. Alexandra, would you do me the honor of going out on a date with me?”
I smirked.
“And then letting me come back to your apartment to make out with you on your couch?” he added.
I giggled, “Maybe.”
“Maybe, huh? God, Darlin’, I had no idea you’d move so fast. I don’t know if I’m ready for this.”
“In all seriousness, I want to start fresh. I know that may be hard for you to understand, especially because we’ve already been intimate, but it’s what I need. I don’t want to talk about the past, I want to date and see where this goes. Can you do that?”
He thought about it for a few seconds before responding with, “Can we talk about it now? Then never speak of it again?”
I nodded. I owed him that.
“That night, it meant everything to me, and it still does. I know it didn’t happen under the best circumstances and a part of me feels shitty about taking advantage of you. I wish I could tell you I was sorry, but I’m not. Not even a little, I’m not going to lie to you, Darlin’. I’ve dated and I’ve been with other girls, but it’s never been anything serious. It’s always been you.”
I swallowed the saliva that pooled in my mouth, my heart bursting with the devotion and adoration he always had for me.
“I love you. I’m in love with you. I’ve known that since the first time you basically told me to eat shit.”
I laughed and he smiled. “But I’m not stupid, I know you’re doing this, moving on because of Lucas.”
I bowed my head and he placed his index finger under my chin and brought my gaze back up to him.
“And I don’t care. I’ll take you any way I can, even if I know I’m the second choice. It’s his loss and my gain.”
“I do love you, Cole, and t
hat’s why I want to see where this can go.”
“I want to kiss you so fucking bad right now,” he groaned.
I didn’t give it any thought. I leaned forward and kissed him.
His lips were soft and smooth. When his tongue beckoned my mouth to open for him, I did, feeling the silkiness of Cole. Only Cole. Our kiss became heady and intoxicating. I felt him everywhere, even though he wasn’t touching me and it left me craving more. I never had that feeling with anyone but Lucas, and for the first time it didn’t scare me.
I didn’t want to push him away. I didn’t feel bad. I didn’t need to stop.
As our connection deepened, I realized for the first time there was love outside of Lucas, and I was ready to experience that.
With Cole.
It was spring break and I knew the boys were in California with Alex. I hated that I wasn’t there with them. The jealously that radiated inside of me was enough to make me go crazy. I busied myself with helping my mom and Stacey. Getting ready for my son that was due in a few short weeks, my life it didn’t seem real. It was like I lived in someone else’s life or something, barely recognizing myself in the mirror anymore.
I rented a condo near my parents that overlooked the water. I started working for this construction company that had been established since before I was born, my dad knew the owner. I had a little less than a year before I graduated with a bachelor’s degree in engineering. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with it. I figured construction was a good place to start.
“Hello!” Mom announced from my front door.
“I’m in here,” I yelled out, hearing her footsteps on the wood floor.
“Wow! Look at this,” she said, walking around the baby room. “You’ve gotten a lot done.”
I stood, looking around with her. “I don’t have anything better to do and he’ll be here soon.”
“I really love these colors, Lucas, the brown with the soft blue.”
I had painted the walls a light blue color and with her help I purchased the dark brown furniture. For someone so small he sure needed a lot of stuff. The baby shower helped Stacey get a lot of things and since my mom had helped her put it together, most people knew our situation and bought double of everything. I was fortunate that there wasn’t much more I needed to buy.