Healed (Scarred 2)

“It doesn’t mean that you couldn’t have asked him to invite me. How many times have you done that?”

“Anna, I don’t…” My voice trailed off as I heard her crying on the other line.

“I’m really sorry, Lexi. I really am, but I don’t think I’m the only bad friend here. And if you can’t see that, well, I don’t know what to say.”

“Anna, I don’t understand, we were always in this together.”

“No, we’re not, Lexi. You always say that we’re the invisible girls but we’re not. I am. I’m the only one who is invisible. No one sees me. Everyone sees you. Luke, Bryce, even Eddie. They all wanted you. Not me. No one sees me. I’m fed up of being a nobody.”

“But Anna—”

“—I know you think it’s shitty that I slept with Bryce and maybe it was. But I’m so fed up of this life. I’m so fed up of being the sidekick, here just to see you find love. What about me? When’s my time?”

I lay back on the bed, unsure of what to say and then Anna hung up on me. My eyes were dry, but I felt like crying. I wasn’t even sure what to think or feel about what she had said. Nothing could excuse her for sleeping with my boyfriend, but maybe she was right. Maybe I had been a bad friend to her. Maybe I had taken advantage of her friendship. Anna was just always there. I always knew I could count on her when I needed someone to talk to.

I sighed as I realized that I hadn’t really been there for her as much as she had for me. Even when it came to her liking Luke, I was pretty sure that she had a crush on him, but I’d never asked her. Never tried to pry and see if my thoughts were correct. And I wasn’t sure why. Maybe I was scared that she and Luke would get together and I would be the odd one out. Because that was what she was. She was the odd one out in the friendship. Or maybe they both were. Maybe I was the sun to their planets. Everything in my life revolved around me. Maybe the real issue was that I was selfish.

I wanted to call Luke. I wanted him to tell me that I wasn’t selfish. That I was a good friend. A good person. I had always thought that Anna and I were in it together. We were the invisible girls. But maybe only one of us was really invisible.

It’s hard when you recognize that you’ve been a bad friend. It’s really hard. I felt like I had blown my friendships with Luke and Anna. It seemed like there was no way to redeem myself now. No way at all. I dialed Bryce’s number, hoping he would answer the phone. The phone went to voicemail and I tried to ignore the pain I felt at his non-answering. I knew he had to be at Harpers creek. It was his go-to place, just like it was mine. But I didn’t know if he wanted to see me, I knew his demons must have been eating him alive right now.

More importantly, I didn’t know if I wanted to see him. How could he have cheated on me? Already? It was something that I had never thought could happen. I was going out of my mind as question after question ran through my head and I knew that I had to get out of the house.

***

Driving around Jonesville is something I have been doing since I have been able to drive. I like to watch people walk down the street as I drive past them, listening to music. It soothes me and makes me feel like I’m on top of the world. Even though I’m only driving a Ford Escort, I still feel like I have it made. At least, more than the people who are walking do. I know that, perhaps, some of them are walking because they are exercising, but I like to think it’s because they don’t have a car. It’s an odd way to feel good about oneself, but I guess I’m a bit of an odd girl. That day, though, I drove aimlessly, changing from radio station to radio station, nothing quite catching me: not the top 40, not the country music and not even the 80’s and 90’s hits. And I didn’t even bother looking to see if anyone was walking down the streets. That didn’t matter.

“Is Your Life In Tatters?” read the sign that caught my attention. I pulled over, parked and got out, hoping that I wasn’t about to venture into some scientology group or cult. I got out and saw that the sign pointed to a small cottage and the words ‘Psychic—Come and have your reading today’ were hanging above the door. I’ve never gone to a psychic before. I’ve never really cared to—I mean, who wants to fork over their money to someone who will just BS them? I don’t have a lot of money and I’m certainly not going to give it away to someone who’s a charlatan but, that day, I decided why the heck not?

I walked up to the door, slowly, trying to talk myself into going in. “If it’s over $20 you will walk out, Lexi,” I told myself. I had nothing to lose. Everything in my life was falling apart.

“Hello, my dear.” An elderly lady opened the front door and I peered at her in surprise. She was dressed normally, no veil around her face, or mountains of jewelry.

“Uh, hi.” I looked around, quickly. “I think I’m lost. Sorry.” I made to turn around, but her next words stopped me.

“It’s okay, dear, I’ve been expecting you.”

“What?” I felt a little scared at her words. “You’ve been expecting me?”

“Yes, dear.” She smiled at me, warmly. “Why don’t you come in? Let me offer you some tea.”

“Well…” I paused, not wanting to be rude.

“You won’t offend me if you go, but I do think I can be of some help to you in your dilemma, my dear.”

“Hmm okay?” Was she for real? How did she know I had a dilemma? But then I thought back to her street sign. Obviously, anyone who was stopping for that sign was having issues—anyone could guess that.

“I have chocolate chip cookies as well, Lexi.”

My mouth dropped open as she said my name and I stared at her, suspiciously. What was going on here? “How do you know my name?”

“All will be explained, my dear, all will be explained.” She opened the door wider and I decided to follow her in. She seemed so short and frail that I knew I could beat her in a fight if she tried anything funny.

“Would you like tea or coffee?”

“Coffee, please.”

“Have a seat, I’ll be right back.” And, with that, she waddled off to the kitchen. I looked around the room curiously as she left. It was light and airy with two big, yellow couches. I was sitting on one of them next to an old sleeping cat and it appeared as though she had been sitting, knitting, on the other couch. It looked like she was making a scarf, and I wondered who she was making it for. I looked at the walls and there were lots of pictures of different lighthouses, but no family photos. I wondered if her family had disowned her because she was crazy. I mean, she didn’t seem crazy, but if she was passing herself off as a psychic then she had to be.

“I brought some gingersnaps and chocolate chip cookies for you, my dear.”

“Thanks.” I studied her face as she offered me the plate of cookies. She had to have been about seventy-five. Her hair was pulled back in a bun and was pure white; she had sparkling blue eyes that belied her age and quite a lot of wrinkles on her face. She looked as normal as anyone’s grandma would look and not at all like I would have expected.

“The coffee will be ready soon, dear.”

“How did you know my name?” I leaned forward, anxious to understand how she knew.

“Well, dearie, I had a dream.”

“A dream?”

“I know you young folks don’t believe in religion and what not these days, but have you ever heard of Joseph?”

“The father of Jesus?”

“That’s good, my dear,” she smiled at me, happily, “but no.”

“Oh.”

“Joseph was the son of Jacob. He used to interpret the Pharaoh’s dreams.”

“The Pharaoh? Like Tutankhamen?”

“Read Genesis, my dear, you’ll understand.”

“Uh, okay.” Maybe this was a religious cult after all.

“I had a dream about you, Lexi. I always seem to have a dream about the girls who are coming to see me.”

“Only girls?”

“No. But more likely than not, it’s a girl.” She smiled and stood back up. “The pot must be ready. I’ll be right back. Milk and sugar?”

“Yes, yes please.” I watched her walk out of the room and felt a strange calmness in me. My brain was telling me to run, but I felt safe and curious. I wanted to know what else the lady had to say.

“Smile, dear, it’s not nearly bad as all that.” She brought a tray in and I jumped up to help her. It looked too heavy for someone of her stature to carry.

“Shall I take it?” I offered a hand and she shook her head.

“I may look old and frail, but I’m still a very sprightly woman.”

“Okay.” I took the cup she offered me and added three spoonfuls of sugar to my cup. “You don’t look like I expected you to.”

“Oh?” She laughed. “I suppose you expected a mystical looking lady in a dark room with a big crystal ball?”

“Something like that.” I laughed, embarrassed.

“We’re not all frauds, my dear.” She coughed. “Though some of them do have far-sight. Though they shouldn’t be using it.”

“What?” I frowned.

“Nothing to concern yourself with, dear. I suppose you’ve come for some answers?”

“Yes, yes please.” I nodded, eagerly, grateful that she was going to supply me with a way out of this mess.

“Your dad isn’t a bad person.”

“Ok, wait, what?” I frowned at her. “That’s not why I’m here.”

“We don’t always know the root of our issues.”

“I’m here because of a guy…”

“It’s always about a guy.” She smiled at me, gently. “At least, that’s what our heart tells us. Inside our soul we know differently.”

“No, I’m here because of these two guys.” I tried to interrupt her.

“He loves you, in his own way of course. It was your mom he was weary of. She’s not well.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” My chest was pounding and I didn’t want to hear what she was saying. “I want to talk about my boyfriend, well, I think he’s my boyfriend.”

“You went to look for him, yes?” She peered into my eyes with a soulful expression and I felt myself shiver.

“Yes, how did you know that?”

“Parents are so important in our lives. You know, there are many people who shouldn’t be parents. Many people who don’t have the emotional capabilities to look after themselves are now having kids. They—”

“—Sorry to interrupt, but how does this affect me?” I frowned at her and she sighed.

“Sorry, dear, I sometimes go off on tangents. Let me focus on why you came. You’re at a crossroads in your life, Lexi. This is an important moment. And it’s not because you feel yourself to be the latest damsel in distress. No. It’s because you realize that the you that you have been portraying is not the you, you want to be. Sometimes we see ourselves as a martyr, and we live our lives as if we are fighting the fight of the world. Unfortunately, many of us are just fighting the fight of our hearts, of our dreams, of our wishes.

“You know, I want to tell you a story about a man I once knew. His name was John and he was a baker. He had the biggest bakery in town. And every day he would bake fresh bread. And he would deliver it to all the families in his town, and these people all happened to be the men and women that he went to church with. And, every Sunday, he would provide free bread to the church and he would tithe ten percent of his earnings. Every single week.”

“Uh, okay.”

“Yes, John was a good man. In fact, everyone in town loved John and respected him. And he loved them as well. There was nothing John would have changed in his life, asides from the fact that his town sat next to a very poor village. The people in this village would follow John on his bicycle as he delivered his bread and he always complained to the families he delivered to that the people scared him. They were disheveled, dirty and smelly. He was always worried that they would try to jump him and steal his bread.”

I tried not to yawn as she continued telling her story. I had no idea what she was talking about, but I didn’t want to be rude and interrupt.

“And, one day, one of the men from the next village threw a rock through the window of his bakery and stole some bread and pastries. John was devastated and went to the police station to press charges. He couldn’t believe that something like that could happen to him and his store, as he was the nicest, and most generous guy in the town.”

“But if he was soo nice, why didn’t he give them some bread?” I asked.

“He didn’t know they were hungry.”

“But they were obviously poor. I mean they came from a poor village and they looked disheveled.”

“John didn’t see that. All he saw was some people following him around as he did his job.”

“Didn’t he ask them why they were following him?”

“No. He never asked them why they were following him. He didn’t care why they were following him. He was more concerned about his own wellbeing.”

“So, what happened next? What happened to the guy who stole the food?”

“The guy who broke the window and stole the food was put in jail and, a few days later, his baby daughter died.”

“What?”

“He had been stealing food because his family was malnourished and had no other way to get food. He had been following John around for years; yet John had never once spoken to him, never once asked him if he was okay or needed anything.”