I should never have slept with him in the first place. I should have known it wouldn’t work. No relationship will work if it’s only one person doing all the work. And that’s been me.
I want to be with Ryker. I love him. But he doesn’t want to be with me. Not really. While he’s said a lot of nice things, he’s never even once said he loves me.
Ryker doesn’t love me. Maybe he loves his brothers, and maybe even Joel, but he doesn’t love me. You don’t put the person you love last. You don’t make them wait. You don’t sacrifice their happiness.
Ryker doesn’t love me. So now, I have to stop loving him. I have to because it hurts too much to love him. It takes too much out of me.
I have to stop loving him. And I have to do it before the wedding.
The wedding. The stupid wedding. Everything in my life has turned upside down because of it.
I let out a deep sigh.
I love Joel and Natalie. I do. But right now, I wish they never thought of this stupid wedding.Chapter TwentyRyker
I wish I didn’t have to go to Joel and Natalie’s wedding, I think as I stand still as a mannequin in front of the full-length mirror in the corner of the clothing shop, waiting for the tailor to make the final alterations to my bespoke tux.
I wouldn’t be going if I wasn’t Joel’s best man, regardless of how long we’ve known each other. I don’t want to go. If I go, I’ll inevitably see Claire. No doubt she’ll be in the most beautiful dress. And I’ll just be kicking myself the whole time knowing I let her slip through my fingers.
No. She left. She grew tired of me. She no longer wanted to put up with me. And so she left. She walked out of that hotel room in Lake Forest and went back to Chicago all by herself, leaving me behind.
I’m sure she hates me now. She’ll pretend to smile at me and maybe even dance with me at the wedding because it’s what she’s expected to do, because she cares about Joel and Natalie, but the whole time, I know she’ll be hating me, wishing I wasn’t there.
So no, I wish I didn’t have to be there.
“Is this going to take much longer?” I ask the tailor impatiently.
“Just a few more minutes, sir,” he answers.
Joel comes out of the dressing room in his tux.
“What do you think?” he asks me.
“Good,” I answer.
I’m not really in the mood to elaborate.
“You think Natalie will like it?”
He stands in front of the other mirror and studies his reflection. He touches his tie.
“Hmm. Is it alright for me to wear a necktie with this?”
“It’s not that formal because it’s on the beach,” I answer. “You can wear a tie.”
“But I think it looks better with a black bow tie. Or maybe a white one so it matches Natalie’s dress. I think she’d like that.”
I roll my eyes at another mention of Natalie. Can’t Joel even decide on what he likes to wear?
See. It’s Joel who can’t decide things for himself. Not me. I consider what other people think. I don’t ask their opinion for everything. There’s a difference.
Why the hell does that make me a bad person?
“Or maybe I should just go with a white necktie,” Joel says. “Or a blue tie like the ocean. Or…”
“Just pick one!” I snap at him.
Joel falls silent. He turns his head and looks at me with confused eyes. I look away and scratch the back of my head.
Fuck. Why did I do that?
I know I’m not the kind of person who shouts at his best friend—or at anyone—simply because he has a hard time choosing what tie to go with his tux. When did I become like this?
Joel clears his throat. “Um, can you excuse us for a second?”
The tailor leaves. As soon as he’s gone, Joel speaks.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I answer as I get off the podium.
He shakes his head. “You’re not fooling me. You’ve been sulking these past few days.”
I look at him with furrowed eyebrows. “Me? Sulking?”
“Yes. You’ve been quieter than usual. You’ve been more serious than usual. The last time I saw you like this, you sprained your ankle and couldn’t run in the marathon you were training for. What happened now?”
I look away.
“I might be getting married, Ryker, but I’m still the guy you grew up with. I know when something’s on your mind. Now, spill.”
I sigh. I guess there’s no hiding anything from Joel.
“It’s about… her,” I tell him. “The woman I was seeing.”
Joel nods. “Uh-huh. And?”
I scratch the back of my head. “She doesn’t want to see me anymore.”
“Because?”
“She realized she doesn’t like who I am,” I answer. “I’m too… much for her.”
“Bullshit,” Joel mutters. “You’re the most understanding, most selfless person I know.”