“That’s because of the magical wonders of underwear that hold it all in!” I was trying to act like I didn’t really care what we were discussing, but inside I was cringing and begging for a place to hide. I’d already covered my face with a cushion numerous times before now with this man, clinging to the hope that if I couldn’t see him, he couldn’t see me, but it was a lie. Unfortunately, unless I did a drop and roll under the bed, I had to tough this out. Or he could decide to just nod and walk away…Which of course he didn’t do, because he leaned against the doorframe and crossed his arms over his chest. “You realize there’s nothing wrong with you, right? You’ve had a baby, you know your body’s different, but to the rest of us you’re just as beautiful as you were before.”
Giving him a small smile, I thought hard about a response, but nothing came to mind. I appreciated what he was saying hugely, but like he said – I knew my body had changed, so did my pre-pregnancy clothes. Like he could see inside my head, he gave me a wink and went back to his reason for knocking on the door.
“I just wanted to see if you needed a hand with the princess, but she looks happy enough where she is.” Following where he was looking, I saw my baby fast asleep with her thumb in her mouth.
Getting a sleeping baby into her pajamas wasn’t easy. The sleeper suits had little feet and hand bits you had to wiggle her body into, and if she wasn’t in the mood to comply with that, you were screwed, and it took five times as long. There was only one word to describe what I was about to go through. “Shit.”
Bursting out laughing, he offered, “If you want to dry off, I can get her sorted out.”
It was tempting, but I had to feed her, too. She was at the stage where I was weaning her off the mammaronis and onto solids and formula, so I was cherishing these last feeds with her. “It’s ok, I’ve got this. I’ll just get her settled and I’ll be out.”
Humming, he rapped gently on the doorframe with his knuckles. “Ok, see you in the living room.”
As I went about getting her diapered, dressed, and fed, I rehashed what had happened today. I’d been calm when she was at the hospital, calm through the encounter in the diner, calm faced with Ellis’s ex, calm during the shit storm… I was just calm. For me, feeling like that came with being content usually, so while I got Liv settled, I started to break it down so I could look at it objectively. I was a thinker and understanding things went a long way toward my mental health because it meant I could use it going forward in life. That I was calm when Liv was at the hospital meant I was comfortable and confident being a mom. I’d known she wasn’t sick in a bad way, and I’d known what to do. Having it confirmed by two doctors was a relief, and I felt more in control of things, like I could fix it when she got sick like this instead of panicking and feeling lost. Technically, we couldn’t control when or how they got sick, but we needed to be able to differentiate between a common cold or virus, and a terrible type of sick. I’d been able to do that today, which was something I’d worried about while I was pregnant. At the diner, I’d been calm when I’d had to divulge my secrets to the other people in the diner, knowing full well that it would all get passed onto other people in town. By the end of next week most people would know what I’d said, they’d also probably hear inflated versions of it as well, but if there were still some who thought badly of me after that – well, that was on them. It had made me feel uncomfortable doing it, but sometimes the best things come from putting yourself out there, so I could only hope that this was one of those instances. That brought me to the issue tonight with Ellis’s ex-girlfriend. I couldn’t change that Ellis had a past, nor would I want to, it’s what made him the man he was today. I’d heard some rumors after he’d broken up with Evette, but I hadn’t paid much attention to them because of what was going on in my own life. Plus, there wasn’t one person in the world who didn’t know that breakups can be bitter, and from the whisperings I’d heard when I was at the store – that breakup had been so bitter it was acid. Whatever the reason for their relationship not working out, that was between them and should have stayed that way. Then again, no one wants to be faced with someone’s ex, especially not like that, and double especially not with the acidic ex throwing accusations at them. I was grateful to Ellis for letting me fight my own battle, although I’d seen Tabby shaking her head at him so I knew it hadn’t been easy for him to do, but it gave me back more control, and that was a trend with how today had played out. Control.