“You always feel so good,” he murmured, gently kissing the corner of my mouth. “Always feel so soft,” he added, skimming his hand down my side.
I don’t know if his brain suddenly told him he wasn’t dreaming and that the woman of his fantasies wasn’t who was lying underneath him, but he opened his eyes with a lazy smile on his face as his hand came up to cradle my cheek.
“Ari…”
With no saliva in my mouth, I swallowed awkwardly, desperately trying to think of something to say or do. “Surprise!” didn’t seem right, neither did “Shift your penis an inch down.”
For the life of me, I couldn’t think of anything, but then the situation was taken out of my hands when he blinked and focused on me with eyes that were definitely awake now.
“Ari?”
Seeing as how he had a hand full of my right boob now, I really was out of my depth. “Uh, yeah?”
His expression changed from confusion and shock to horror as he pushed himself off me and almost fell off the bed.
“Shit, fuck, shit,” he hissed as he sat on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. “What the fuck?”
Although I’d known he’d have this reaction, seeing and experiencing it hurt badly. No, hurt didn’t cover it—it shattered something inside me.
“I’ll just…” I started, making my way to the other side of the bed, almost crying with relief when I saw my clothes right there.
Holding the sheet against my chest, I picked up my panties and slid them on, not letting any of my body show as I tried not to cry. The whole time, Parker stayed where he was, not saying a word or even acknowledging me.
How do you describe the feeling of being the source of disgust to someone? It wasn’t possible to put that pain and humiliation into words. To explain the devastation that the guy you had a crush on, that you knew you’d never have anything with, found waking up with you as awful as he did right now.
If anyone could find those words, I wanted them because the way it felt was too painful.
Finally, when I had my dress in my hands, I dropped the sheet and stood up to pull it over my head.
“Ari,” he sighed as the garment dropped into place, and I moved a foot to put it in a shoe. “This was a mistake. I don’t… I can’t…”
As he drifted off on the last word, I breathed in deeply and said ‘fuck it’ to my emotions. Fuck them all.
Turning to face him, I removed all emotion from my face, looking at him blankly.
“No one will ever find out about it, don’t worry.”
The frown line between his eyebrows was back with a vengeance as he stared at me. “That’s not what I meant. I mean—”
“That it’s embarrassing for you,” I nodded, shoving my foot in the other shoe and looking around the room for my purse. Spotting it on a chair in the corner, I moved toward it, planning how I was going to get all of my stuff and drive home.
It’s funny how some plans take forever to make or how complex some decisions can be, but when you’re in fight or flight mode, those plans and decisions come to you lickety-split.
Grabbing up my purse, I lunged for the door and opened it, running out into a hallway that wasn’t familiar.
Fortunately, there was a big staircase in front of me, and I could see a door at the bottom of it. So, with as much dignity as I could muster—which wasn’t much—I ran down it and out of the house.
ParkerFor years I’d buried my head in the sand, thinking life could just go on as it was. I did what I wanted when I wanted, I worked and gave my patients my all, and then I did it all over again. When the crawling in my skin got too much, I worked out until my muscles screamed, but on the whole, I had my life in a box, and it worked for me.
Which was me burying my head in the sand again because that was bullshit.
Life wasn’t working for me. My work was the only part of it that did. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror, and I scrubbed harder than I should in the shower. Female attention made me feel hunted until I took control, and I didn’t know what it felt like to be in a relationship because I couldn’t bear to be that vulnerable to someone. This wasn’t living, it was existing.
That was until Ariana Townsend came back into my life, bringing mischief and adding an element of excitement I’d never had. At work I’d check my phone and get a buzz when I saw a text from her, even though it was usually her teasing me about something. When I heard she was coming to visit her family, I cleared space with work, so I’d be able to see her. Yes, I’d known her for a long time, but with my past, age played a huge factor in the women I saw around me. I never let my head get close to even considering if a female was attractive unless they were around my age and well over the age of consent.