“And how do you feel now? Do you still feel like there are parts of you that you don’t like or want to change?”
“No,” I shook my head, a genuine smile growing on my face. “When I was about to have the anesthetic, I told the doctor that any change was an improvement for me. Then, after it, when I saw the bandages, bruising, and swelling, I freaked slightly and was scared I’d ruined myself. The bruising and swelling went away and, even though it takes longer for your nose to heal and all of the swelling to disappear, I was blown away.
“My issue was just those two areas, and they were better than I’d imagined. I have no problems with the rest of my body and have no intention of changing myself again, but I’m also not blind to the fact things change. Accidents happen, so I can’t say definitively that I’d never have plastic surgery or something done again. You just don’t know what could happen.
“Before I had the surgeries, I’d started to cut back on my workouts and had gotten into a fitness routine that kept me healthy but wasn’t so over the top. My therapist had pointed out I was overdoing it—I was working out roughly seven hours every day—and that a fitness specialist could help me find a healthier workout and would work on the areas I wanted it to. I found a female fitness instructor who’s a genius, and every month she gives me a new routine to work on. Running relaxes me, so I still do that, but I’m not so intense about it. After I’d healed and was able to come home—”
“Wait, what do you mean come home?” he asked, interrupting me.
“I had the surgeries in California, so my brothers wouldn’t find out.”
Parker’s mouth dropped open as he absorbed this fact. “How could they not find out? Ari, you had your nose and chest changed visibly.”
Shrugging, I started to pick at my thumbnail now, needing to let some restless energy out. “They’ve never mentioned it, so I’m assuming they don’t know.”
Groaning, he scrubbed both hands down his face, leaving the hand of mine he’d been holding feeling cold without his heat. “Baby, I think your family’s the shit—like seriously, they’re the most awesome people I’ve ever met—but I kind of want to hit your brothers right now. How do you not notice something like that?”
I had no answers for that question, so I just lifted a shoulder. “It’s not the type of thing we’d discuss. Anyway, after I came home, I went back to my therapist and continued working on the problems that’d caused me to get the surgery done. I thought that because I’d had the problems fixed that I’d be fixed, too,” I tapped my head to indicate what I meant, “but that wasn’t the case. It was just the beginning.”
This he understood. “Yeah, it takes more than that. And how do you feel now when you look in the mirror?”
“Few people love everything about themselves, Parker,” I snickered. “But I’m genuinely content with what I see in the reflection. I run to burn off steam and stress, workout to challenge myself and my body, and I guess it’s made me want to heal people when I know they have problems that they don’t want to talk about, too. I’ve discussed it with my parents, and it’s almost like all the bad stuff I went through has made me desperate for other people never to feel like they have no other options.”
That’s how I’d felt when I’d gotten to know Bonnie and Beau at school, and then Sadie recently. I knew Beau and Bonnie’s stories, but Sadie hadn’t shared a lot of hers yet. It took time to dig deep down to pull the words out and gift them to people. No, mental health and the consequences of trauma weren’t a gift you gave people, it was the trust that it took to share them that was the gift. Many people nowadays didn’t see this, and the amount of gaslighting and betrayals I saw online were sickening. Once someone gave you that trust, it wasn’t your story to share. Ever. Unfortunately, social media and the internet provided some people with a feeling of power to do and say whatever the fuck they wanted, not realizing the consequences their actions had.
I’d recently discovered gaslighting was something to do with psychology—I thought it was just people being assholes. No, it’s far worse, and that’s what’d happened to Beau. The psychological manipulation of gaslighting is sickening, and the person involved had basically questioned her and fed her misinformation that’d led to her doubting herself. They’d also fed it to other people, which had ended up with her completely distancing herself from almost everyone except for Lily. She’d been polite and cordial to us, but that’s as far as it went. Because Lily was married to my brother, Tate, Beau had slowly let us back into her world and was regaining her ability to trust other people.