Forbidden Gold (Providence Gold 5)

I sincerely doubted that.

“Okay, well, Elijah thinks he’s perfect.”

“I think you need to look a little closer at your cousin, baby. I’m not just saying that because I think you’re wrong, but I think he’s got something going on that’s eating at him and needs his family. It might even be why he’s not spending that much time with his parents and brothers—because they can read him more than he wants to be read just now.”

This wasn’t something I hadn’t thought about since Elijah had come to visit at Christmas, but now that Parker had seen it, too, I’d be making moves to help him out in any way I could.

“I’ve seen that,” I whispered, nibbling on my lip. “I was going to speak to Gramps about it.”

“Linda,” he suggested. “Speak to your grandmother about him. He has the same bond with her that I do, and speaking from experience, he might find it easier to talk to her about it.”

“Is that what happened with you?”

The smile he gave me this time reached his eyes. “Absolutely.”

Needing some answers from him about his situation still, I blurted out, “Why did you say what you did that morning?”

Groaning, he dropped his head and stared at his hands.

“I need… I need control. I didn’t have it for so many years, and when I started having,” Parker paused and chose his next word carefully, “consensual sexual relationships, I realized that I couldn’t do it without it.”

“What do you mean by control?” I could understand why he needed it, but I couldn’t understand what he meant by it.

“You have to understand, Ari, she took a lot away from me. My childhood, my security, almost my ability to say no, my dad, and pretty much my life, too. If I hadn’t been able to take Dale to stay with your family or the Montgomerys, it could have been a lot worse. So once I got to the stage where I could stand for someone to touch me without me feeling dirty, I approached it all in a way where I was the one controlling what happened.” Half of his mouth tilted up in a dry smile at my expression. “Don’t look so worried, I’m not saying I’m a dom or anything near that. I’m just saying that I have to be in control of what’s happening around me and what I’m doing with a woman. I refuse to be a victim ever again.”

That made sense to me, and I completely respected it, but I still had questions.

“But nothing happened that night?”

“I didn’t know that, Ari. After I shook off the panic I was feeling, I figured that was the case, but we’d woken up naked in bed together. I’ve never been in that situation.”

“You’ve never woken up next to a naked woman?” I scoffed. “That I find hard to believe.”

“Not once,” he replied, looking completely serious. “But that wasn’t what the problem was. I never have sex when I’ve been drinking—it leaves me too vulnerable, and I can’t cope with feeling like that. I also don’t sleep next to a woman because I don’t know what they’re going to do to me while I’m out cold.”

Chewing on my lower lip, I mulled this over.

“This all makes sense, but I’m still confused why you said what you did.”

“I panicked and meant to say I’d made a mistake, not that what happened—if anything—was a mistake,” he explained, making the hurt I’d felt since that morning lifted slightly.

“I appreciate you explaining all of this to me, Parker. It’s been something that’s hurt me for a while now. It just hit one of my triggers because of what happened to me in my past.”

He looked baffled and perplexed by this. “What do you mean?”

“I thought you meant you were embarrassed that we might have had sex and because I look like…” I whispered, trailing off because I just couldn’t say the words.

“Christ, Ari, no. It wasn’t like that at all. I’ve spent so long regaining control over everything in my life, and waking up next to you—unable to remember what we’d done—knowing I’d not only been drunk but had slept beside someone else in my bed… That was almost all of my no go areas all at once.”

Gauging how sincere he was, I saw nothing but honesty—and pain now that he knew how it had come across—coming from him.

“I feel much better knowing that. Thank you for taking the time to explain it to me.”

And I did feel better knowing it, even though I hurt hugely for what he’d gone through for so many years and how it’d affected him.

“Why do you look like that’s not actually the case, Ari?” he asked, my expression giving me away yet again.

“I just wish you’d be able to enjoy every facet of a relationship with someone,” I explained, holding my hand up when he went to interrupt. “I don’t mean with me, I mean with someone who’d love you and enjoy merging their life with yours. You have a stressful job, full of long days and hard work, and you deserve to have someone who’ll hold you up and support you when you need it, while at the same time being able to feel secure while they’re asleep beside you.”