Thankfully, Sadie came to the rescue. “Can goats see colors? I mean, dogs are color blind, and they say that bulls are as well—which is weird because they hate those red cape things. But maybe goats are the same?”
Clearing my throat, I typed it into the search on my phone and then blinked when I read the answer.
“Apparently, goats can see a variety of colors, including yellow, orange, green, violet, blue, and red. The one they can see the best, though, is orange, and the worst is blue,” I read off the screen. “Huh, how about that.”
Looking offended, Levi’s wife, Charlotte, huffed, “So why can’t dogs see colors? That’s unfair.”
Just then, Tate stood on the bar top and shouted, “Hear ye, hear ye! Welcome to this week’s edition of The Lush Diaries. Feel free to order food, and I’ll be operating the bar for this episode, so be gentle with me. For now, though, enjoy the viewing.”
Images of me strangling him—and not gently—flashed through my mind. I seriously thought about it.
Hopping back down, he walked over to the laptop attached to the projector and hit play.
And thus commenced another two hours of hell for the three of us.2h 59m 36s time stamp on the video
“Just a heads up,” Sadie warned during a conversation about period pains. “I turn into the grumpiest wench in the wicked west during my period. My friends said it wasn’t fair to call it PMS or PMT for me. More like PBW—Psycho Bitch Week.”
“I never get period pains or PMS,” Beau admitted, dodging the chips we threw at her. “I got an IED put in.”
Both Sadie and I paused, probably trying to figure out what didn’t sound right about what she’d said.
“An IED?” I asked carefully.
“Yup.”
Slowly, both of our heads looked down at where Beau’s vagina would be under the table like we could see it through the wood.
Sounding as confused as she looked, Sadie asked slowly, “But an IED?”
Not giving her a chance to reply, I squeaked, “If you pull the string, it stops you getting pregnant? Like a grenade?”
“Ain’t nothing happin’ up in there,” Beau snorted, tipping back the slush in her glass.
At the same time, we pushed back from the table—our chairs making a screeching noise on the floor—and jumped up, taking big steps away from where Beau was watching us through one eye, with the other one covered by her clenched fist.
Brain freeze, a margarita drinkers biggest foe.
“That’s a bit bloody extreme, isn’t it?” Sadie stuttered. “Why not just go on birth control?”
“I did,” Beau mumbled, sounding confused as she took in how on edge the two of us were now. “Would you mind not staring at my honey pot?”
“You have an exploding pussy,” I snapped. “What do you want us to do? Whisper sweet nothings?”The people watching in the bar went from chuckling to laughing their asses off as Beau covered her face with her hands.“Who told you my pussy was explosive?”
Looking at each other with confused expressions, Sadie and I turned back to her. “Uh, you just did when you said you had an IED put up your nunney,” Sadie pointed out.
Beau’s face scrunched up. “My what?”
“Your nunney. You know, your…” Sadie pointed at her crotch with her finger.
Looking even more confused, Beau looked between the two of us. “Is it called something different in England?”
“Um, it’s called something very different here,” I pointed out. “If you’re talking about the contraceptive, it’s an IUD.”
“That’s what I said,” Beau huffed exasperatedly.
“No,” I said slowly. “You called it an IED—an improvised explosive device.”
Wincing, Beau reached for the fullest glass on the table and swallowed a mouthful. “That explains why I failed a project in my senior year about Uncle Alan getting injured by an IED in Iraq. It also explains why he has it framed next to his desk and sent copies out to the rest of his former unit.”The loudest one laughing in the bar now was, in fact, Beau’s uncle as he nodded his head to confirm that was exactly why he’d done it.
“It’s also sent out to boost the morale of some of the troops,” he shouted loud enough for everyone to hear. “What makes them laugh the hardest is finding out she was eighteen when she wrote it.”
Looking at him out of the corner of her eye, Beau lifted her hand and rubbed her eyebrow—with her middle finger.3h 02m 01s time stamp on the video
“I hate bats,” I shuddered. We’d moved onto the subject of phobias in the time it took for us to retake our seats. “Have you seen them? They have rat bodies, Pomeranian faces, and ears like a Chihuahua. And their wings—what is up with those things?”
Snickering, Beau told Sadie, “Her cousin Cole has a phobia of periods.”
“As in the punctuation one or the evil one?”