Then there was the time in chemistry when the experiment Mr. Perkins was doing caused the sprinklers to go off, or at least try to. A couple drips of water had fallen, and then a deluge had burst through the ceiling above us because the pipe had burst. It was nigh on impossible for it to happen they’d explained afterward, but it had.
For my eighteenth birthday, Dad had flown us to Montego Bay, in Jamaica, for a vacation to celebrate. I’d been leery of flying in case we went down in a winged inferno, but that hadn’t been what had happened. No, all the toilets had backed up and had to be locked down. Hundreds of passengers, hours of flying, sewage stuck in the bowl and no useable toilets. Men just did not understand how lucky they were that they could pee in empty bottles.
That was just the tip of the iceberg on my luck.
Which led me to right now.
On the day I’d originally been due to fly home on, there had been an accident that had made me miss my flight, even though I’d given myself four hours to get there. I hadn’t been able to get on another flight for three days – no surprise there – so I’d stayed at a hotel and entertained myself in the Big Apple. Gotta make lemonade out of lemons, right?
Yesterday, I’d decided to get out of the center of the city on an adventure and had passed a tattoo place. Ever since I was little I’d wanted to get something done so, on a whim, I’d gone in to see if they did piercings. Now that I had the chance and the time, I was going to do it.
There had just been a cancellation, so they’d booked me in for this morning. Because it was on a road that led out of the City toward the airport, I put my name down, and that was it! I’d turned up just as they flipped the sign to open, and I hadn’t screamed or passed out throughout the whole appointment. Score for me!
I was doing okay, as well – until I checked in at the airport and realized how swollen my tongue was after having a poker shoved through it and then a metal skewer bolted in place. I also realized that my belly button, which had received the same treatment, was rubbing against the waistband and button on my jeans and it was freaking agony.
When I’d gotten on the plane, I’d frantically asked for ice because that was meant to help swelling – right?
As we took off, I resigned myself to the fact I’d be crunching ice and fanning my tongue for the duration of the flight, so I’d tried to get as comfortable as possible, praying that it would pass by quickly.
Unfortunately, ice was made of water. Consumption of water created urine. Hours of crunching the ice equaled lots of pee. So, with my bladder feeling like it was going to explode, alongside my tongue, I’d gone to stand up and head to the bathroom.
Of course I’d forgotten to unbuckle my belt, which made it tug on my skewered belly button. It had also made me clench my jaw, which tugged on the big fat brisket which was now my tongue. I don’t think there was anyone in the world who wouldn’t have screamed at the dual bolts agony that both of those sensations caused, me included.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, a big behemoth had come bearing down on me like an angry gorilla and had then decided that I was having an allergic reaction to something.
Which brought me to now – my fat ass being literally carried off the plane while everyone watched on. Well, not fat per se, more like pleasantly rounded. I was a size ten and made no apologies for my love of food, so long as it wasn’t red meat. If I could only live on red meat, I’d be the size of a twig. That shit was nasty and my body reacted strongly whenever I ate it.
I kept trying to tell the big silverback gorilla I wasn’t sick, but he just ignored me.
Which is exactly what I was doing at this exact moment, again.
“Ndot thdick!”
“Honey, I don’t think now is the time to even be thinking about dicks,” he muttered, putting me onto the gurney that was waiting for me. “I know we got close to that at the party, but we need to focus on getting you better before we revisit it, okay?”
What the hell was he talking about?
What party? The only time I’d gotten close to his dick was when he’d rudely smashed it into my face while I was sitting down. I know that it was down to the selfish asshole in front of me who’d been trying to insert himself on my lap for the duration of the flight, but it had still been a full-frontal face dicking.