Dahlia had insisted that I have a cup of coffee – which was the last thing I needed at this precise moment. Any more caffeine or energy in my system and I’d be shaking like one of those dogs outside the store that looked like it had been left on charge for too long. So now I was sitting with a cup of coffee, sipping it like it was poison.
“You okay, man?” Tate asked from where he was lying on the floor with the dogs around him.
Harambe was freakin’ huge and had more hair than a wig factory. He also shed like a mofo, so it wasn’t unusual for me to gag because a piece had gotten into my mouth. It also wasn’t unusual for me to pulling strands of it off my pants while I was at work, or wherever else it had stuck to. We had to vacuum three times a day – something which got me a glare from his mother each time.
How was I to know he’d shed constantly?
Baileys was the canine leader of the house. He truly was tiny and the funniest thing, apart from when he was shitting in my Nikes. He adored Bonnie and graced her with little ‘chocolate-covered raisins’ every time she came around, like it was a present. Bonnie found this hilarious and would give him a treat each time and then follow it up by giving the other boys a treat too. Their party trick was to knock her down with excitement and then lie on top of her until someone came to rescue her. Admittedly, both Dahlia and I took our time when it happened meaning that she had roughly one-hundred-and-seventy pounds of dog on top of her. I’m not gonna say that ‘sorry, not sorry,’ shit that everyone says because it annoys the fuck out of me. But suffice it to say, I wasn’t sorry, it was fucking hilarious.
What I hadn’t done was propose. I’d been waiting for the perfect moment and it had been torture. Every time I got ready to do it, something would happen, and the moment was gone. I’d been planning tonight for a couple weeks and it had been hell waiting for five o’clock to come around so I could get home to her and just do it.
Of course, the Townsends had to choose tonight of all nights to show up. Fucking A! And fucking frittata Friday. I didn’t even like them, and the biggest irony was – we weren’t even having them. Nope, they’d all decided that it was fajita Friday, with extra salsa Verde of course for the little addict.
“You almost done?” Dahlia shouted as she poked her head around the kitchen door and looked pointedly at the mug in my hand.
Shaking my head, I took another sip of my coffee and then called the dogs away from Levi as I reached for the bag I’d hidden down the side of the couch.
Making eye contact with all the Townsends I growled, “Do not say a word.”
Pulling out the three collars I’d had made, I put them around each dog's neck, and then held up Baileys and gave the crucial orders. “Don’t eat it. If you do, I’ll make sure you have to shit it out. Seeing as how it’s three times the size of your normal poop, it’ll be the biggest lesson of your life. Do I make myself clear?” When he yapped, I figured it was good enough and made my way to the kitchen with them all following – dogs and Townsends.
Lining the dogs up in order of size, I kept a distance of roughly six feet between us and the door. When they were all in place, I shouted out to Dahlia to come and help me.
As usual, she grinned at the dogs, and then she saw their collars and the grin turned to confusion.
On Bing’s collar was the word ‘Marry’. On Harambe’s was ‘Me’. And on Baileys was a ‘?’ along with the ring that I hoped the woman in front of me would wear for the rest of her life.
I saw the moment it sank in, and dropped down to one knee, picking up Baileys and holding her and the ring out.
“Well?”
“Yes,” she wailed, as the women screamed around her. “Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!”
“Congratulations!”
“She said yes!”
“What a waste!”
“Cheater! You told me I was your special tickle butty!”
I stored away the last two away in the revenge memory bank. I didn’t know when, but I knew that Tate and Levi would get their asses kicked.
Right now, I had more important things to do – like kissing my wife-to-be. Which is what I did!Twenty minutes later…
I hated cold coffee with a passion. It was one of the most disgusting things in the world. And don’t even get me started on people buying iced coffees – it’s not a coffee, it’s a coffee milkshake for fuck's sake.