Until Fools Find Gold (Providence Gold 1)

The arguing continued with Vlad growling, backing his mom up, but my dad distracted me when he joined me where I was to watch them too.

“Ever see the You Can Call Me Al by Paul Simon music video?” He asked as he looked between the siblings.

“It rings a bell.”

“Well, Paul Simon is standing next to Chevy Chase in it. Paul is roughly five foot two, Chevy is almost six foot four…”

At that mental image, I burst out laughing. This was apparently the straw that broke the camel’s back for Luna, who finally told her brother what her issue was.

“Stop calling it math, it’s not freaking math,” she yelled, leaning into him on the last word for another chest poke. “Algebra is a freak of nature. It’s numbers having sex with the alphabet, and some kinky asshole decided that it was math. Why is that even taught at school? Do you know how perverted that is?” It was an empty question if ever there was one, and even her behemoth brother didn’t have an answer for it. Snapping her head in my direction, she continued, “Our precious babies aren’t going to a school where they teach perverted shit. It’s mathematical kink, pure and simple!”

“Well, I guess we did slip a into b and multiply,” I snorted, forgetting that her Leviathan sized brother was right there, as was her pit bull - also known as my brother.

A quick look at their faces clued me into the fact I needed to run, and fast!

I’d been looking for Luna to give her back her phone she’d left on my desk. So, before I ran for my life, I tossed it in her direction.

“Catch it!” I yelled, turning for the door. At the sound of a thud and that sickening ‘I’ve just shattered my screen’ noise, I spun around and looked back at her. “What part of ‘catch it’ didn’t make sense?”

“I thought you said, ‘cat shit,’” she explained, looking down at her phone.

When she looked up, she had tears in her eyes and all four of us visibly melted– the thoughts of death forgotten. For now.

“Didn’t it sound like cat shit to you too?” we all nodded and made the right noises as she started crying.

It had been an easy pregnancy– apparently. She hadn’t been sick, she hadn’t had any bleeds, she wasn’t swelling anywhere she shouldn’t be… people said it was easy. What those people didn’t see were the tears.

Couldn’t wear a pair of panties she wanted to? Well, they were her very favorite pair of panties and her kooka wouldn’t feel right not wearing them. So, she started crying and apologizing to her vagina.

Couldn’t wear a pair of shorts she’d wanted to? Well, they were her very favorite pair of shorts and her legs were going to feel like she hated them. So, the tears came, and she was apologizing to her vagina.

This continued with everything– everything. There was only one piece of toilet paper on the roll? The toilet paper hated her and didn’t want to be part of the wiping process. Cue the tears!

It was the strangest shit ever, but our doctor had said not to worry and that it was just hormonal.

I’d found out what her deal with the washing machine had been through a sheer fluke. I’d gone to put a load in to help her out, and something had blown inside it when I’d turned it on. Fortunately, no water had gone in, so we got the clothes out without any mess, but she had been almost inconsolable. When I’d asked her why she liked the machine so much, the story of their ‘affair’ as she called it had all come pouring out.

I will never admit to the reason for my bruised foot that afternoon being the hard kick I’d given it as we took it to be disposed of, but I got my revenge. And when the new one arrived, I announced that I was in charge of laundry, and she hadn’t argued.

Yeah, fucking right!Three months later…

LunaI’d heard all the horror stories about giving birth. I’d also heard all the funny ones from Noah’s cousins’ wives about the effect it has on a man.

Apparently, I was one of the lucky ones because my husband didn’t faint, nor did he throw up. I didn’t tell him I hated him, and apart from the one punch to the balls during a contraction, he’d dodged every other hit I’d aimed at him.

“Why won’t she come out?” I wailed, pulling the top of my body up to try to push the baby out.

She was just stuck. Stuck! How did you get stuck in a straight tunnel?

I’d been pushing for two hours and they were threatening a C-section, which I did not want. I’d seen the videos, I’d also seen videos of fish being gutted– the similarities were too much for me. No flipping way.