My Big Fat Fake Honeymoon

“For real?” She looks up to the ceiling as though considering. “You know, I kinda hope I don’t. That would ruin the magic of it. As it is now, I don’t know if he’s a guest, a local, or even a real mermaid man. I can just enjoy the memory for what it is, not see him in an ugly Hawaiian print shirt and jorts or find out he’s on wife number four and has a drinking problem. Though I might find my way back to that little stretch of beach to see if I can get a repeat performance.” Her smile makes me guess that she’ll do just that. “You?”

I look to Lorenzo to check his state of awareness, but his face is relaxed, his breaths rhythmic.

“He took me to couples’ yoga.”

“Ooh, score one for Chef Boy!” Janey teases.

I nod. “It was great. Not yoga like I’m used to but sexy as hell. Except Emily was there.” I roll my eyes. “But I almost—” I look down to Lorenzo to check once more. “I almost came in the middle of class and so did he.”

Janey claps silently as she does a happy wiggle.

I wave my hand to get her attention back. “I said almost. Lorenzo said he wanted our first time to be just us. He wanted it for himself.” I fan myself with the memory of how hot that was.

“So he took me to the beach last night, and let’s just say that we didn’t stop with oil rubdowns.” I smile, knowing that will drive Janey crazy.

As expected, she starts dancing again, but this time it’s more of a pelvic thrusting move alternating with some ass smacking the air. Courtney would be proud of her, probably snatching Janey up to make her the latest addition to her favorite Zumba class.

I can’t help but laugh, but I try to keep it quiet. So instead of being loud, my whole body shakes from the laughter, which makes the bed bounce. That makes Janey even more excited.

“Yass! Bounce that bed with your fat ass. Show me what you’re working with.” Though she stage-whispers it, Lorenzo makes a snort of noise.

Janey and I freeze in horror, sure that we’ve been busted.

But Lorenzo rolls over, facing away from us to curl into a fetal position with his hands up by his cheek. Freaking adorable! And yes, I know how ridiculous it is to describe this big, tatted up bad boy who rocked my world as adorable, but that’s what he is right now.

“Quick, before he wakes up—” Janey babbles lightning fast as she ticks off questions on her fingers. “How is he? Did he dine at the Y? Did you come? How many times?”

“Whoa!” I exclaim, holding up a hand. “Okay, in order: The best by far, yes, oh yeah, and I lost count at six. Or maybe just lost the ability to count because my brain melted to pudding?”

“Holy hot spicy meatballs, woman! I’m so jealous!” Janey says before sighing wistfully.

“Uh, sounds like you had a pretty stellar day too. I think we both came out winners this time. Get it, came?” I tease, even though it’s a bad joke.

Janey grabs a pillow off the floor and throws it at me. “That was awful.”

The pillow makes its target, my head, but it rebounds and bounces into Lorenzo’s back. We go still and quiet once more.

Clear as can be, with no trace of sleep, Lorenzo says, “Should I pretend to ignore that too so you ladies can continue discussing your sex lives?”

Oh, my God! He heard all of that!

I grab the pillow and smack him myself. “You were listening?” I accuse.

He laughs, half turning his head to show off that smirk that’s already melting my heart. “Of course. You aren’t exactly quiet with your screeching . . . ‘oh, my God!’ . . . ‘Janey!’” He mimics my voice, throwing his deeper one high and loud and Americanized.

“You suck!” I’m laughing, not really angry but more embarrassed at being caught talking about how he was my best ever.

“And lick,” he adds. “I think we’ve established that, haven’t we?”

My face blushes furiously, the embarrassment giving way to the sexy memories of last night. Oh, yeah, he licks and sucks, that’s for sure.

Before we delve any deeper into that, my phone goes off with a FaceTime. Leaning back to the nightstand where I set it, I’m hoping to see it’s Violet who I could really spill the tea with right now. Especially about her smart-mouthed cousin.

The universe laughs at that wish, reminding me that it’s not my luck because the call is from Meredith.

“F-M-L,” I groan.

My phone dings again, and Janey looks at me with trepidation. “Whatever it is, you have to answer. It could be important. Besides, if you don’t, she’ll use her dark powers to track you down and send her minions for your soul.”