My Big Fat Fake Honeymoon

The wedding is . . . idyllic. The crowd’s not too outrageous, only about three hundred people, which sounds like a lot, but for this degree of celebrity, it might as well be a small, intimate affair.

Standing off to the side, I look around and can place face after face. Either they’re beautiful people, women and men from Claire’s set who’ve turned their good looks and charisma into social media fame, or they’re from my set like Cole. Hell, I’m surprised Ross isn’t here. Cole and he weren’t close in school, but sometimes, high-society isn’t about how well you know someone but just that you do.

Janey sounds wistful as she whispers, “Have you ever seen the water more beautiful?”

She’s right. Somehow, the clear blue Caribbean has become even more jewel-like, the sky even more dauntingly blue. Everything looks like it’s been fed through a photo filter and maximized to its best settings. I think even the sand’s somehow made whiter and more sugary.

The musicians start up, and first to march down the aisle is Cole with his groomsmen. He looks handsome in his white tuxedo, tropical and cool and just a little nervous. It humanizes him somehow, and a small chuckle works its way through the crowd when he repeatedly adjusts his tie as we wait for Claire.

The Wedding March starts, and all breaths are taken away as Claire comes out. Her dress is stunning, a simple satin gown with a deep V, a lace back with tiny buttons, and a full skirt that swooshes along the sand making it seem like she’s floating. The veil, the sandals that let her walk on the sand, the music . . . I’m not the only one sporting real tears as she walks by smiling eagerly.

“Friends and family, we’re gathered here today to join this man, Cole Kennedy, with this woman, Claire Johnson,” the minister begins, and somewhere along the way, I lose myself. I’m so tired and the minister has this pleasantly droning voice, almost meditative, causing my eyes start to sag . . .

“Ow!” I hiss as Janey digs a thumb into my ribs, waking me up. “What—”

“Wake up before you start snoring!” Janey growls in my ear.

I nod, pinching the hell out of my armpit until I see tears, and focus on the lovely couple under the beautiful arch. Thankfully, the minister is making quick progress, and we’re at the main event . . . the vows.

“And now, if anyone should have any reason that this man and this woman should not be joined in matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace,” he says.

I have a moment where I imagine being that person who calls out, ‘I object,’ but I just can’t. I’m too unsure and don’t really know anything other than that I heard a suspicious phone call. I send up a silent prayer that I’m doing the right thing.

The rings are brought out, and Claire takes her vows. “Cole,” she begins, looking into his eyes, “I never thought I could find someone who’d see the real me. The girl who’s scared and lonely sometimes. The girl who likes to sleep in on Sundays, watch old horror movies at midnight, or who thinks that Pop-Tarts are pretty much heaven in a foil wrapper. You’ve taken me at my best, seen me at my worst, and held me when everything was falling apart. You’re my other half, the piece that completes my puzzle. All I can think of now is going forward step by step with you, together. I vow to be your wife, your friend, your love, and the mother of our children. I love you now, and I will love you forever. C2K, honey.”

That’s what I want.

Cole’s vows aren’t as poetic but are just as heartfelt. “I promise you, with everything I have, to be the man you deserve. I will support you, surprise you, and live every day to the fullest with you. I vow to be your husband, your lover, your protector, and your partner, from now to eternity. C2K, always.”

They kiss, and moments later, the minister announces, “May I present Cole and Claire Kennedy, or as they’ve dubbed themselves, ‘C2K’.” He chuckles, as does the crowd, but then everyone cheers and applauds.

The reception goes off just as well, with everyone eating Lorenzo’s delicious food, giving toasts, and watching with teary eyes as Cole and Claire do their first dance as husband and wife on a white dance floor that has a laser light show dancing around a C2K monogram in the middle.

Janey and I have divided, standing on opposite walls, to watch over the tablescapes and arrangements, at the ready in case anything goes awry. Meredith finds her way over to my perch along the wall. At least she doesn’t scare me this time. I see her coming a mile away and stiffen, but a quick scan tells me all the tables and flowers look great.