My Big Fat Fake Honeymoon

“So, you’d thought about it enough that you talked to my dad, had plans to get your grandmother’s ring, but then decided on a whim to just go for it and ask me tonight?” I clarify.

I can see Lorenzo teasing through the words, mentally translating them to Italian and looking for any errors. My family is utterly still and quiet, not even breathing. Well, besides Carly, who’s babbling away, happily oblivious.

“Yes,” Lorenzo says finally.

I jump up on him, my legs going astride his waist, and he catches me easily. “That’s so sweet! You were all ‘gonna do this right’ but got carried away because of me?”

I feel his smile against my lips as I pepper him with kisses.

“I do tend to do that with you, mia rosa.”

I wrap my arms around his neck and lay my head on his shoulder, squeezing him tightly. God, I love this man who’s somehow as rooted and as wild as I am.

“We can get rings later. But you’re totally getting a tattoo wedding band from Reno tonight. I’m leaving my mark on you,” I tell Lorenzo, leaving no room for argument.

His smile is soft as he lets me slide down his body until my feet hit the floor. His hands release my hips to cup my face gently. “You already have.”

“Okay, I think I get it now,” Vi says. It’s like she didn’t even know that her cousin was the best thing since Betty White or sliced bread.

“Are we really doing this?” Courtney whispers to Mom.

Mom turns to me. “Abi, are you really doing this?” She looks worried. I think any mother would be, so I understand, but yeah, I am.

“I can do the whole white dress situation later at a celebration reception, okay?” I know how important those moments are to my mom, but this is my wedding and I want it like . . . this.

Dad’s always got my back, though, and truly has only ever wanted his children’s happiness to surpass his own. “Works for me. A party is cheaper than a ceremony and reception.” He wraps his arm around Mom’s waist, squeezing her hip, and she sighs.

Her nod means everything.

Vi hands me the flowers. “You are crazy as f-u-c-k,” she says, spelling out the curse word so Carly doesn’t learn bad language. Newsflash, she’s my niece and Ross’s daughter, so it’s fairly written in stone that her first words are not going to be scrapbook-worthy.

“Yep,” I agree. “Good thing I found a man who likes me like that.”

On cue, Reno walks out from the back with a guy in a leather vest. “What the hell do y’all want?” Reno barks. He definitely wasn’t expecting to find a dinner party’s worth of fancy people in his lobby.

I raise my hand to wave. “Hey, Reno!”

His gruff demeanor melts. “Well, hey there, Abi. Who you got with you tonight?”

“My family. Remember when you were distracting me and told me how you do weddings for your friends?” I bat my lashes, knowing this might take a little finesse. Maybe even more than it took to get my mom on board.

“Yeah.”

“Can you marry Lorenzo and me? Like now? And tattoo our wedding rings?”

“Uh . . .” He looks to Lorenzo, his bushy brows asking if he’s okay with that. I think if Lorenzo blinked twice in rapid succession, Reno and his buddy would probably grab Lorenzo and run out the back door with him, hostage rescue style.

Lorenzo takes my hand and nods. A smile teases at his lips. “Please. I need to . . . what’s the expression?” He searches his mind and says with a bigger smile, “Lock her down before she learns what a degenerate I am.”

Reno laughs at that.

But he’s no dummy, either. He sees my dad—hell, probably all of us—and knows money when it’s standing right in front of him. He might even know who Ross is from his early tabloid-cover days.

“Thousand bucks sound fair? For the ceremony and the tattoos?” Dad offers first.

I think Reno’s eyes are going to bug out of his head, but he blinks and rearranges his face into something closer to his usual scowl. “Yeah, I guess I could stay open a little late tonight for that. You ready now?”

We organize ourselves—Violet with Carly on her hip, Courtney, and Mom on my left, and Ross, Kaede, and Dad on Lorenzo’s right—and then we nod to Reno.

“’Kay, we’re gathered here tonight to witness these people joining together in marriage . . .”

I can’t stop the smile from getting bigger and bigger as joy fills my entire being. I’m nearly bouncing with happiness at this weirdly wonderful wedding. One I never thought I’d have, with a man I never thought I’d find.

Reno does the typical ‘do you take this man’ and ‘do you take this woman’, and Lorenzo and I both say, “I do.”