He sat there in silence as I went on.
“I’m sorry, Sebastian. I’m sorry that things aren’t easier. I’m sorry you lost your wife and that you go to sleep alone. I hope that someday you can be happy again. As much as I wish that I could have a chance at getting to know you on a deeper level, I also understand that the space for that in your heart is still taken.”
He was back to staring at my mouth when he said, “You make it very difficult to want to compartmentalize, Sadie.”
My heart raced.
“Do you want me to go?” I whispered.
He reached for my hand. “No.”
The feel of his big, warm hand intertwined with mine was just about the best damn thing I’d felt in a very long time.
“Then I’ll stay. As a friend. As long as you want me to say, I’ll stay. And when you’re ready to be alone again, I’ll leave.”
He looked down at our hands. “I really don’t like being alone. I hate it. I hate being here when Birdie’s not home. Because then I have to face what I’m left with. Which is nothing without my daughter. I don’t want my life to be like this. I want to be happy again. I just haven’t figured out how to achieve that.”
“I think it just happens on its own. Being happy is not really something people can make happen. It just occurs randomly while we’re living and not trying.”
What he said next broke my heart.
“Amanda never told me whether she would be okay if I moved on. And I think that’s part of what holds me back. I would never want her to look down and feel like she’d been replaced. And that haunts me.”
His eyes watered as he let go of my hand and said, “God, this is not what you signed up for tonight. Fucking hell.”
“Please,” I pleaded. “Please don’t apologize. Your honesty is breathing life into me. You have no idea how amazing it is to experience, through your love and respect for your wife, what true love is like. You’ve given me so much hope, Sebastian. Truly.”
He stared deeply into my eyes. “Wanna know the fucked-up thing?”
“Yeah.”
“As I sit here talking about my wife, I still can’t help wanting to kiss you.”
His words ignited what felt like a fire inside me. Talk about a roller coaster of emotions. “No one says feelings have to make sense,” I said, my chest heaving with need.
“You asked me what I was really planning to do tonight . . . ,” he said. “I told you half of the story. But what I didn’t tell you is that after you left, I couldn’t stop thinking about you, your infectious smile, and how sexy you looked. No woman in the world was going to stand a chance to get you out of my head tonight. And when you came to the door again, I nearly shit a brick. It was like you’d read my mind.”
I moved closer to him so that my face was only inches from his. The physical pull felt really intense. I normally wasn’t this assertive, but maybe it had to do with the fact that I’d never been into anyone like this. Yes, I would’ve loved more than a sexual relationship with Sebastian. But if he wasn’t ready for more, would I still want to experience being with him? The answer was yes.
Barely able to breathe, I said what I was feeling in that moment. “If you want me, you can have me. No questions asked. I need it as much as you do. We can just take out our frustrations on each other.”
He swallowed and let out a groan before he shook his head. “You’re intoxicated, Sadie, and so am I. We can’t go there.”
I nodded silently. I totally understood his point.
Therefore, given what he’d just said, you could imagine I was completely shocked when he seemed to lose control, wrapping his hand around my face and pulling me into him just seconds later. The heat of his mouth on mine sent shock waves throughout my entire body. Sebastian groaned into my mouth, and it vibrated deep in the back of my throat. He tasted like wine and the most amazing flavor I’d ever tasted. It was all man, all him, and I needed more. I didn’t care how buzzed I was, I didn’t care about anything other than experiencing every second of this. He pulled me onto him and I grinded down. I felt like I could come from merely the friction of his erection rubbing against me through his pants. Not to mention, it was clear from that limited contact that he was massive. My legs were quivering as his fingers raked my back.
“Fuck,” he muttered into my mouth. “You’re so sexy. I want to eat you alive.”