Only One Kiss (Only One 1)

“Oh my God.” That’s the only thing I can say. “Oh my God.” I wipe my hands.

“Listen, Candace.” And the way he says my name makes my heart stop, and it also gives me chills. “You’re amazing,” he says, and I want to cringe. “And I totally crossed the line before with the kiss. I know this, and I am really, really sorry.” He looks down and then back up again. “But I can’t date you.”

“Oh my God.” my voice goes low and he doesn’t give me a chance to say anything else.

“Even if I could, I don’t have the time or the energy to add one more thing on to my overflowing plate,” he says, looking down at Ariella. “She’s my priority.” I hold up my hand now.

“Okay, well, first off,” I start to say, ignoring the burning on my neck and the fact that I feel like I’m going to throw up. I don’t know if it’s because he told me that he can’t date me or if it’s because he heard me discuss his size on a fucking baby monitor. “Thank you for thinking I’m amazing, because I am.” I look down at the shrimp and add it to the pan. “And for apologizing about the kiss, it was out of line. I didn’t want to say it before,” I shrug and look at the pan, “but even if you wanted to date me I don’t date my clients.”

“Ever?” he asks, almost surprised. “Wow.”

“Ever,” I say. “It’s a rule I made when I started, and well.” I trail off, not wanting to talk about it.

“What happened?” he asks, and I haven’t told anyone, not even Evan.

“It was stupid.” I say and turn to cook so I don’t have to see his eyes. “I got hired by my first client. I met him at one of the parties I went to with Evan. Let’s just say he was using me to get closer to my brother. He thought because my brother was a big deal that I would make him big with social media.” I close my eyes, blinking away the tears. “But he wasn’t smart enough; he was sending dick pics on his Instagram that I managed. I should have known.” I put the spoon down and turn to look at Ralph. “He was a ten, and I was a six.”

“What the fuck?” he says, and I laugh at his expression.

“I was the DUFF in that relationship,” I say, and he looks at me with his mouth hanging open.

“It’s fine. He’s now married to a model who hopefully cheats on him every single chance she gets,” I say, and I have a sudden need to chase this whole conversation down with a shot of tequila. “Fuck, that was rough.” I look up at him. “I haven’t told anyone that story,” I say. “Especially not Evan.”

“Who is it?” he asks, and I shake my head. “Also, you know he’s stupid, right?”

“It is what it is,” I say the truth, ignoring the last part of what he said. “Anyway, that is why I won’t date my clients.” I turn back and, putting on a pot of water for the pasta.

“Will you tell me who it was?” he asks, and I shake my head.

“What about you?” I turn and ask him. “How did you know Cassie was the one?” He looks down, then at Ariella. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.”

“It’s not that,” he says. “It’s just something I have never spoken about to anyone.”

“You don’t have to now either,” I say, trying to keep my hands busy. “It’s probably too painful to talk about. Let’s talk about something else.”

“I don’t know if she was the one,” he says in a whisper, and I turn around to see the horror on his face as he holds a now sleeping Ariella in his arms. “The more I think about it, the more I know she probably wasn’t. But who the fuck knows.” He looks down at Ari, his voice going into an almost whisper. “She will never know any of this. I will never admit it to her.”

I walk over to him, putting my hand on his arm. “Do you love Ariella?” I ask, and he just looks at me. “Then you love Cassie,” I say. “Just in your own way. People love in different ways.”

“That is what I tell myself,” he says, avoiding my eyes and stepping out of my touch. “It’s what I have to tell myself.” He walks out of the kitchen. “I’m going to go put her down. I’ll be back.” He doesn’t wait for me to answer, and even if he did, I don’t have anything else to say. His words have left me speechless, and the pain in his eyes, the anguish has left me heartbroken.